[St Nicholas Church]
Lily: Do you know the speech?
Paul: I know the gist of it.
Lily: You memorize entire homilies.
Paul: Homilies are poetry. A plea before the city council is demeaning.
(Paul and Lily exit the church, walking past a statue of St. Nichols)
Paul: Esteemed councilmen, in a few days, St. Nicholas Church will be torn down. I have come before you for the
fourth time to beg for your condescension...
Paul: ...which you have never shown before, to block the sale of the church. Because we're not just losing a
building, we're losing a sacrament, the communion with our neighbors is our mass. Not bad, huh?
(several gang bangers come up and begin beating Father Paul, knocking him down and kicking him.
Lily: Help! Somebody help! Somebody, please! Father Paul! Help, oh! (pulls phone and makes call) We need an
ambulance, please send an ambulance!
Eliot: Hey. Sophieís here. Man, what do I tell her?
Hardison: Anything but the truth.
Sophie: Thank you so much for coming to my play last night.
Parker: Last night was awesome.
Sophie: Thanks, Parker.
Parker: Yeah, it was like a horror movie. "Attention must be paid!"
Hardison: Yeah, I mean, you're not the first person I would think of to play Willy Loman, but you-you worked it out.
(Sophie exits followed by Parker)
Eliot: That was the worst night of my life.
Parker: Come on, man, you've been in worse situations.
(money is thrown on the table while a man loads one bullet in a gun and spins the barrel. He points it at Eliotís head and pulls the trigger. Eliot flinches, but the gun does not go off)
Eliot: No. no, that was the worst. (walks away)
[Leverage Conference Room]
Nate: Mm! How great were you? I mean, they ought to call it, uh, "death of a saleswoman." What a great commentary on the glass ceiling for women in corporate America.
Sophie: Nate, I-I played the part as a man.
Nate: Yes, and brilliantly.
Nate: Yeah, I mean, you wereÖ huh? (phone rings) Hold on. I have to, uh... Oh. (answers phone) Hi. Maggie? Is everything okay?
Parker: Whoís Maggie?
Sophie: Nateís ex-wife.
Paul: Hey. If I thought Iíd get you to visit, Iíd have gotten my ribs
kicked in a little sooner.
Nate: How you doin', Paul?
Paul: I got my shots in. I popped the first guy in the shoulder before I blacked out.
Nate: Yeah. I know. I-I read the police report.
Paul: You read the police report?
Nate: I do that.
Paul: You talk to Maggie?
Nate: Do you think it was a coincidence that you got attacked on your way to beg the city council to save your church?
Paul: No, I don't. You talk to Maggie a lot?
Nate: Yeah, when is the sale final on the church?
Paul: Escrow closes Monday. Why?
PA System: Code blue. Pediatrics. Code blue.
(people go running down the hallway)
Paul: I know hospitals are tough for you.
Nate: Paul, have you tried legal action? I mean, maybe an injunction --
Paul: With what money? I thought it was god's plan for me to save the church, Nate. I was wrong. But we're gonna have one last mass on Sunday, and I plan to make the most of it. You should be there.
Nate: Itís not gonna be your last mass, Paul.
Paul: Hey, what are you gonna do? Nate?
Nate: Just... move god'sÖ plans along. (exits)
[St Nicholas Church]
Parker: Thatís St. Nicholas?
Parker: Santa Claus has a church?
Eliot: Heís not Santa Claus.
Nate: I know this is not our usual kind of case. I reali-- but before you say anything, Paul is an old friend of mine, and he has helped the poor parishes --
Nate: More than you could ever --
Sophie: Nate, Nate. Weíre taking the case.
Nate: Oh. Great. Good. Oh. All right. Well, uh, this is obviously a strong-arm maneuver that's happened here -- get rid of the activist priest and the sale closes on Monday. Do we know anything about who bought the church?
Hardison: The sign outside said it was sold to Cannity Corp. (holds up signs to illustrate)Now, Cannity Corp is a wholly owned subsidiary of STB International, which is a parent company of Akai diversified, which is the U.S. subsidiary of Cannity Corp.
Sophie: That is a lot of trouble to go to for buying an old church.
Nate: Yeah, so, Cannity Corp -- that's obviously the front. Parker, check all the addresses for the realty companies.
Nate: Eliot, Hardison -- find the Local talent that attacked Paul. Um, he messed up one of their shoulders, if that helps. So...
Hardison: No, no.
Eliot: Let's go, come on. (goes to leave)
Hardison: I don't do gangs.
Eliot: Come on. We got some fresh air. Get off the computer.
Hardison: I rappel.
Eliot: Come on! (leaves)
Hardison: Did no one see me rappel? (follows Eliot)
Sophie: Oh, I heard about it. (pauses)
(Nate holds his son during Samís Christening while Paul anoints the child)
[St Nicholas Church]
Sophie: You gonna be okay?
Nate: He's an old friend. I owe him.
Hardison: You think that we just gonna walk into some random tunnel and find some cholos just all yoked up? You know?
(gang bangers follow Eliot and Hardison into the tunnel)
Hardison: "Yo, holmes, let me fix my do rag..."
Eliot: Dude, quiet. Listen. (turns around) Boys. We don't want any trouble. All right? We just want some answers.
Gang Leader: How's this answer?
(the Gang Leader holds his shirt aside to show the gun tucked in his waistband. Eliot reaches out and puts his hand on the gun, cocking it)
Eliot: Gentlemen, I'm asking on one of your colleagues, somebody who rolled a priest. Who was it?
(another gang member pulls a gun and points it in Eliotís face)
Eliot: You seeing this, Hardison?
Hardison: Yeah, the--the situation has my attention, yes.
Eliot: You see that's why I don't like guns. They have a specific range of efficacy. See, most guys make one mistake. They get too close.
(Eliot grabs the gun and head butts the gang member, emptying the gun and dropping it on the ground)
Eliot: Who rolled... a priest?
Gang Leader: We didn't beat up no priest. We are not monsters.
(Hardison notices a third gang member moving restlessly. He hits the man in the shoulder, and the man goes down in pain. Eliot grabs the gun from the Gang Leaderís waistband))
Hardison: Dislocated shoulder's a biatch. Priest gave him that.
Gang Leader: You beat up a priest? (looks at Eliot) Do you mind?
Eliot (hands him the gun): Be my guest.
Gang Leader: (points gun at gang member) You got a long penance ahead of you. Start by answering the man's questions. Now!
Eliot: Who hired you?
Gang Member: I don't know. I got a call on my cell with an offer, and I called him back after the job was done. He paid me. That's all I know. I swear.
Hardison: You got a number?
(Gang Member pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to Hardison)
Eliot: Can you do something with that?
Hardison: Seven digits. I could find you on Mars.
Eliot: Gentlemen, we'll leave you to your internal affairs. Come on.
(they walk away, out of the tunnel)
Hardison: How 'bout that? Man, you-you see me?
Eliot: He was injured.
Hardison: Well, somebody got to fight the injured. Shoot, that's my niche.
[Leverage Conference Room]
Hardison: When I ran a trace on the gangbanger's call, it routed through this dude's number from a pay phone.
Eliot: So we got nothing.
Hardison: Hold on. Hold on. The pay phone is located here -- The Residences at 8th. Luxury condos brought to you by Andrew Grant.
Sophie: Yeah, I know this guy. He built the Meadow Mall on the west side, you know, the one with the monorail.
Nate: Now, this guy doesn't happen to own any of the shell companies that bought the church, does he?
Hardison: Well, I-I can't prove that, but, let's just put it this way, those shell companies have their daddy's lyin' eyes.
Eliot: All right, what do we know about this Grant guy?
Hardison: Well, the man's a media whore. He went through like nine publicists last year alone. He's, uh, cutting the ribbon on this place tomorrow. (shows building on screens) Also, Grant survived a Helicopter crash last year. Checked out his pharmacy account. The man pops anti-anxiety pills like Pez.
Nate: Well, publicists are like priests. You got to tell them all your secrets. So that's our way in. The question is, how?
Sophie: What are you thinking?
Nate: If this guy beat up a priest we're not going easy on him.
Grant: I got a dozen reporters waiting for me downstairs, and the backdrop for my ribbon cutting is scaffolding?
Tomas: It was a miscommunication.
Grant: Isn't that what I pay you for, Tomas? To communicate? Stop screwing up.
Sophie: Mr. Grant? Kristi Connelly. I'm a reporter with The Ledger. (holds out recorder) I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.
Grant: Miss Connelly, I don't know how you got up here, but the press conference is down in the lobby. It starts in 10 minutes.
Sophie: No, no, I understand. I just wondered if I could have a moment --
Grant: Where's the foreman?!
Sophie: Of your time.
Sophie: Willy Wonka's here.
(elsewhere on the floor, Eliot is pushing a wheelbarrow)
Eliot: Good. His ride's almost here.
Grant: Okay... show time. All right, did you remember the big scissors this time? Did you remember 'em?
Parker: oh, oh! Oh. Oh, my god! Are you okay?
Grant: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Parker: I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to do that.
Grant: That's ok. That's all right. Just be more careful next time. Okay.
(Eliot hits Tomas with the wheelbarrow and knocks him down, delaying him)
Eliot: Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, man. I apologize about that.
Tomas: What the hell are you doing?!
Eliot: I had a lot of tequila last night. I'm sorry.
Tomas: Watch your focus, Cuervo. All right?
Eliot: I feel really bad.
Tomas: You know what? Feel bad, all right? Just get back to work.
(Grant gets on the elevator. Sophie gets on just before the doors close)
Sophie: Oh, thanks.
(Sophie watches Grant, then grabs the rail on the inside of the elevator. A moment later, the elevator grinds to a stop)
Grant: Oh, I don't believe it! (pulls out phone)
Sophie: They're fixing up this lift, right? There's probably a few bugs to work out.
Grant: Unacceptable. I'm calling the contractor. (looks at phone) Oh, seriously? No signal?
(the elevator begins to move)
(the elevator jerks to a stop)
Sophie: Oh, wow.
Grant: Okay. That's...weird.
Grant (pacing): I'm not crazy about heights. Or enclosed spaces. (takes some pills)
Sophie: What is that you just took?
Grant: For my nerves.
Parker: Actually, caffeine. With a dash of dextroamphetamine.
(Hardison looks at Parker in surprise)
(Grant takes off his hat and jacket, hyperventilating)
Grant: Are you getting any air at all down there? (loosens his tie) God, I think they've sucked all the oxygen out of here. They're torturing me. (waves his hands to get more air) It's like the witches' oven in "Hansel and Gretel" or something. They're just roasting us like a turkey!
Eliot: You gave him speed?
Hardison: He beat up a priest.
Grant: Get me out of here!
(reporters milling around waiting)
Grant (in elevator): For godís sakes! Can anybody hear me?
Grant: I'm gonna fire every one of you! Every single one of you! You are so fired!
Sophie (crouches): Mr. Grant.
Grant: Is anybody even listening?
Sophie: Mr. Grant.
Sophie: The press. They're still down there. We've only been up here for half an hour.
Grant: Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, they're gonna Have a field day with me. I mean, look at me.
Sophie (stands up): Send us home. (elevator begins moving, Sophie crouches again) Oh! See?
Grant: No. No, no, no, no. I can't, I can't --
Sophie: Come on. You've got to Stand up and pick me up. Yes. Yes, trust me. Come on. Trust me. (helps Grant to his feet)
Sophie: Trust me. And pick me up.
Grant (in elevator): Someone! Get me out of this cage! Someone get these doors open!
(reports run over to the elevator and open the door)
Grant: Oh, thank god! She fainted! She fainted! She fainted! Come on! Come on! (carrying Sophie into Lobby) Move out of the way, would ya? This woman needs medical attention! Okay, come on. Come on! Come on. (lays
Sophie down on the floor) You'll be okay. Stay with me, sweetheart. Stay with me. Stay with me. Get some -- would you Ė
(someone hands Grant an oxygen mask, he breathes deeply for a moment then puts it on Sophie)
Grant: Okay. Okay, okay, sweetheart. Okay. Youíll be okay. (looks at reporters) Miss Connelly, you just got yourself an interview. Okay, back off! No more pictures, okay?
(Sophie pretends to faint)
Sophie: So, um, what would you say has been the key to your, umÖ Oh, thanks. (sits down) Ömeteoric rise?
Huh? An appetite for risk? Hard work? A bit of luck here and there?
Grant: This interview is over.
(Grant snaps his fingers, Tomas goes to a sideboard to pour drinks)
Sophie: Iím sorry?
Grant: Kristi. How did you know what to do in there?
Sophie: Oh, that. Iím a reporter. You have to understand, reporters, we're lazy by nature. All we want is a story, a narrative. And if you don't like the story they're writing, just give them a new one. Theyíll thank you for it.
Grant: I don't want you to do a story on me.
(takes glasses from Tomas and gestures for him to leave the room)
Sophie: I don't understand.
Grant: I want you to make sure everyone else is doing a story on me. I saw the way you handled the press back there. I want you to be my new publicist.
(Hands Sophie a drink)
Sophie: I don't know what to say, except... when can I start?!
Grant: How 'bout tomorrow?
Sophie: Of course if Iím gonna be your publicist, Andy? Iím gonna need complete access to your business. There can't be any secrets between us. None.
Grant: Let me show you something. (gets up)
Parker: Heís building another mall on the site of the church.
Sophie: Itís not even a mall. Itís a bloody "lifestyle" center. Eat, work, shop, play, all in one place.
Eliot: I don't like this guy. I hate him.
Hardison: He doesn't want the closing of the church connected to him? Iíll bet he's got the city council in his pocket and got the land for a song. Once this deal closes, he's free and clear. By the time they break ground on this mall, he'll be untouchable.
Sophie: Forget St. Nick. Weíd be better off with the Patron saint of lost causes.
Nate: No, no, no. he trusts you. You can hook him.
Sophie: Yeah, I know I can, Nate, but there's no time. I mean, we need a long con for this job, right? In three days, he owns that church.
Nate: Alright, so we got to hit him hard now, indirectly. You know, stall the closing. and buy enough time to bring him in for a longer game.
Eliot: You really think he's gonna fall for that? This guy? I got to be honest with you. Weíre gonna need a miracle to save this church.
Nate: So let's, uh, go steal ourselves a miracle.
(Nate walks through the hallways followed by Eliot and Parker)
Nate: When that church miracle as the work of god, usually through the prayers and intercessions of a saint, for some specific purpose, frequently the conversion of the unbelieving.
Eliot: How do you know all this stuff?
Nate: I went to school with father Paul. to, uh...seminary school.
(they enter Nateís office. Eliot hands Sophie a cup of coffee)
Eliot: So you dropped out of priest school to become a -- an insurance cop? And now you're the leader of a band of thieves. Nice.
Hardison: Y-you-youíre a catholic who wants to fake a miracle. Iím pretty sure that puts us in moral-sin territory.
Eliot: So now you're religious, too?
Hardison: No, no, Iím not denominational. Itís just, I never do anything my nana said "don't do." This, what we doin', it just don't seem right.
Nate: What doesn't seem right? Let me get this straight. Weíre trying to save a church, right? So, faking a miracle, to me, seems like the quickest way to do that.
Sophie: Even Andrew Grant's not gonna build a mall on a holy site.
Nate: Right, so we need three things. We need a miracle, we need publicity, and we need to keep Father Paul out of the way. He can't be involved in this at all.
Sophie: Reporters follow Grant around in packs. Letís-let's use him as bait.
Parker: Use his own publicity to wreck his project.
Nate: Thatís elegant. Okay. Parker, we need you to go to the hospital and keep father Paul there no matter what, up to a point. But keep him in the hospital. Eliot, you're the retrieval specialist. Give Hardison anything he needs.
Hardison: As long as I don't have to do anything immoral.
Nate: Ah, absolutely not. No, I just need you to figure out, you know, how to fake a miracle.
Hardison: We all going to hell.
Paul: You know Iím getting out of here in a couple hours.
Parker: Yeah, it's just a few last tests to be on the safe side.
(Sophie looks at a newspaper with Grant and Bibletopia on the front cover)
[Leverage Conference Room]
(looks at same article on the monitors)
Nate: You leaked this?
Sophie: Theyíre calling for his head.
Sophie: Itís a P.R. nightmare. Trust me, he's rattled, vulnerable -- aww, just right for me to kiss and make boo-boo better.
Tomas: Heíll be a minute. Itís busy today.
Sophie: It certainly is. So, what's your take on all of this?
Tomas: The new mall? I mean lifestyle center? Weíre building right around where I grew up. I figured it would sweep out the gangs.
Sophie: Good on ya. Youíre a company man.
Grant (entering room): Yes, maíam, thank you for your opinion. (hangs up) Ok, I just received a threatening phone call -- from a nun!
Sophie: Well, Mr. Grant, the problem is the reporters have their story.
Grant: Yeah, "Andrew Grant, neighborhood wrecker." Like there's even a neighborhood there. Itís a bunch of losers and burnt-out buildings.
(Tomas looks away)
Sophie: The problem is, they have the wrong story. And what do we do when reporters have the wrong story?
Grant: Give them a new one?
Sophie: You need to take control of this. Make an official announcement. Give them the other story.
Grant: Yeah, sure. Of course.
Sophie: The church. Do it at the church. The church's doors are closing Ė aww, boohoo -- but you're opening new doors. Opportunity for all!
Grant: Yes. Yes. Tomas? Weíll make the official announcement down on first! Huh? Call every reporter in the city!
Tomas: Wonderful. Iíll set it up.
Grant (leaving room) Come on, Tomas, where are you?
(Tomas pauses to look back at Sophie)
Grant: Come on, we gotta go! What are you doing, Tomas?
Tomas: Iím coming, Mr. Grant.
(Paul putting on his jacket)
Nurse: All right, father, I got your test results right here. Mm. High cholesterol, elevated SED rateÖ and it looks like you're pregnant. Iím gonna need you to stick around and re-test.
[Leverage Conference Room]
(conference room table has been cleared out and Hardison has three St Nicholas statues in the room)
Hardison: Behold! I have made the statues multiply.
Nate: Well, I got to say, it looks pretty good, Hardison. I meanÖ yeah. Itís, uh... (knocks on statue) polystyrene?
Hardison: Amongst other things. Donít eat it, or breathe near it.
(Eliot and Nate back away from it)
Nate: All right. Show us what you got.
Hardison: Test subject number one.
(Hardison hits buttons on remote and blood starts dripping from Statue 1ís ears)
Nate: Yeah, no, yeah, I said bleeding tears, not--not bleeding ears.
Hardison: Look, look, look, man. Youíre lucky, on this deadline, I didn't give you a baking soda volcano.
Nate: Yeah, this-this isÖ Okay, what else you got?
Eliot: Looks ridiculous.
(Hardison walks over to the side of the room and picks up a paintball gun)
Hardison: Stigmata paintball gun.
Nate: Well, no, no, no, no. no.
Eliot: Now, ho-how does that work?
Hardison: Iíve been practicing. Check me out.
(Hardison takes aim and hits the window just as Parker is walking by)
Nate: Okay, Hardison, would you just make the statue cry without melting St. Nick's head?
Parker: Donít melt Santa!
Eliot: Itís not Santa!
Hardison: Itís not Santa!
Eliot: What are you, 10 feet from there? How can you miss that? Youíre standing right here.
Hardison: Everybody can't be Eliot.
Hardison: Shut up. Shut up.
Nate: Grant lined up?
Sophie: Uh-huh. Yeah, he'll be there, with the press. Oh, um, Iíve been, Iíve been meaning to ask you. Uh, how was it, you know, talking to Maggie again?
Nate: Uh, good. Y-yeah, strange. Good. Yeah, I still feel, uh...
Sophie: What? Guilty? About Sam?
Nate: No, no, not that. Well, yeah. I mean... yeah, and other things-things, but...
Sophie: You never cheated on her, Nate.
Nate: I know. I know. Tempted.
Sophie: No, no, you weren't.
Nate: I was.
Sophie: Not really. Youíve always been the good guy. Thatís, uh, that's what made it fun. Well, part of what made it fun between us back then.
Nate: Back then, yeah. And what about now?
Sophie: I don't know. What about now? Thatís what we have to figure out. By "we," um, I mean "you" of course.
Nate: Of course. Of course.
Sophie: Just, um... don't take too long.
(Grant is making his announcement on the steps of the church)
Grant: A lifestyle center to revitalize the life of this neighborhood. a pulsing heart of opportunity and commerce in the center of the community.
Lily (bursts out of the door): Everybody, come quickly! You have to see this! Itís a miracle!
[St Nicholas Church]
(nuns are kneeling praying in front of the statue, people rush in and gather around, looking up)
Man: Itís a miracle.
Woman: Itís a miracle.
Man: I wouldn't believe it.
Parker: Not too bad.
Hardison: It was nothing, really. Itís just basic chemistry. An oil polymer that reacts with a secondary chemical in the candles. No candle smoke, absolutely no evidence. Light a candle.
Nate: Local news will pick up the event, Grant will crawl back into his hole for a while, and, well, at least for the time being, it will stay open to the public. Whoa.
(they approach the front of the church see huge crowd gathered within the fence, including news crews)
Parker: Whoa. Thatís a lot of public.
Hardison: Iím very good.
Eliot: Yeah. A little too good.
Sophie (joining them): What did we just do?
Hardison: The weeping statue of St. Nick is on youtube.
Eliot: Good. This church will never shut down.
Sophie: Thereís just so many people here. I mean, what if they find out it's a... fake?
Hardison: Hell fire, damnation, et cetera. You know what? Iím gonna step over here, so when the good lord throws down on all of y'all, I don't get hit by the lightning.
Parker: Wasnít Zeus the one with the lightning?
Nate: Guys, guys, this is still a big win. Sophie, uh, find out where Grant is, and make sure he's Ė
(Paul comes up and grabs Nateís arm, dragging him away)
Paul: What did you do?
Nate: Uh, what -- what do you mean?
[St Nicholas Church]
Nate: What, y-y-you don't believe in miracles?
Paul: The word "miracle" does not appear anywhere in the old or new testaments.
Nate: What about the wedding at Cana? Huh? What about Lazarus?
Paul: Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Nate: I had nothing to do with this.
Paul: Nate? Youíre lying to me, right to my face. In church! Thereís a fake miracle in my church.
Paul: You know there's a reason you didn't become a priest.
Nate: I do what I can.
Paul: You can't play god, Nate. Just tell me what's going on, and we'll try to fix it.
Nate: Paul, listen to me. For your own good, I can't tell you what's going on here. But I can tell you that IÖ that I got it covered.
Sophie: Theyíre in spin mode. Itís a mess. Iím gonna put a nail in his coffin right now.
Nate: Well, make it 10.
Nate: I don't want that son of a bitch crawling out.
(Sophie enters the inner office)
Sophie: So... ugh. St. Nicholas. A miracle. Obviously we can't--
Grant: Yeah. I know. Iíve been up all night with this.
Sophie: I figured as much. I do have a spin on it.
Grant: No, no, no, forget it. Iíve killed the American town. This miracle, it gave me a real crisis of conscience.
Sophie: Excellent. Yeah, that's good! We can--we can work with that.
Grant: I looked into my heart. I paced. I cried. But by dawn I had my answer. Bibletopia.
(gestures toward a table that has a model of Bibletopia)
Sophie: Itís a theme park?
Grant: Ah ah! Lifestyle and recreation center. Here, let me give you the tour. So, the church stays. I mean, at least the statue stays, and maybe that one wall with the stained glass. but the rest -- gone. Now, flanking the statue -- two food courts, so, the original pews -- they're now outdoors, for mealtime seating, holy contemplation, whatever. Shops aplenty on the perimeter, but thisÖ there will be a sea, an actual sea surrounding the park, that will part every 30 minutes.
Grant: And then while people are waiting to come in, they can enjoy previews, food, and souvenirs at the tears of St. Nick Cafť. Come to pray, stay to shop. We also got these, St. Nicholas bobble-heads. There you go. Mm.
Sophie: Youíre serious about this?
Grant: Come on, Kristi. You and I both know, this is not a real miracle. "A," because miracles don't exist, and, 2, because this pain-in-the-ass priest will do anything to keep his church open. But, hey I owe him a debt. I mean, I never would have thought of Bibletopia without his divine intervention. This stupid priest, he's gonna make me millions.
Sophie: The man cannot be stopped!
Parker: Itís like everything we throw at him just makes him stronger.
Eliot: Kind of admire him, though. My nephew would like Bibletopia.
Hardison: Oh, no, see? This is what happens when you mess with god. He raises up your enemies with his right hand, and he smites you with his left.
Nate: No, no, no, no, no. So I can--we can use this. Just me a second to--I just need --
(A long black car pulls up to the curb and several older priests step out)
Nate: Apostolic visitation.
Hardison: Come again?
Nate: Itís the Vatican.
(Parker, Hardison and Eliot walk away)
[St Nicholas Church]
Nate: Apostolic visitation. Itís like the Pope's CSI. They come, they investigate a miracle. They determine whether it's real or a hoax.
Sophie: If they find out the truth, they're gonna close this church down, and blame father Paul for fraud. I don't like this, Nate. I mean, even Grant, okay? He was hooked. Ordinarily we'd have him under control by now.
Nate: Weíll get around him. Weíll save the church, and we'll take out Grant Ė
Sophie: You screwed up. Youíre gonna have to undo your own con.
(Paul enters the church and approaches the investigative priests)
Nate: Ah! Father, Father! Excuse -- I am having just big spiritual crisis. You guys could understand more than anybody. I need to talk to you right now. You are the only one... (pulls Paul away) I hope you weren't gonna do what I know you were just about to do.
Paul: What, tell the truth? You bet I was. Nate, no more lies! The Vaticanís here! You and I both know what that means.
Nate: Yeah, break out the grappa.
Paul: Does my getting defrocked amuse you?
Nate: No, listen, listen, I just-just let me explain this to you, okay? I just--this isó(looks around and sees the confessional) in here.
(Nate: enters one side of the confessional and gestures for Paul to enter the other side)
Paul: Oh, there's always a loophole with you. Thatís my side!
(Paul enters the other side of the confessional as Sophie approaches the investigative priests)
Nate: I get immunity, of course. Nothing I say can be repeated to anyone, nor is it admissible in a court of law.
Paul: Start it right.
Nate: So, the statueÖ
Paul: Bless me, father...
Nate: "Uh, bless me, father, for I have sinned." it has beenÖ
Paul: "2 years, 3 months, and 15 days since my last confession." I was at the funeral.
Nate: So, the statue. We faked a miracle.
Paul: I know.
Nate: Now, I had no idea that it would get as much attention as a-a-and Grant--that he would turn around and he would try to profit from it.
Paul: "I have committed a string of selfish and hurtful acts... father."
Nate: Wrong acts, right reasons.
Paul: Oh, the ends justify the means? Is that it, Nate? Is that it? The details. God looks at how we do a thing, and he judges.
Nate: Hey, Iím out here helping people. I mean that...
Paul: Are you? Or are you trying to kill yourself? Maybe take a couple of bad guys down with you.
Nate: I-I am trying to save your damn church.
Paul: Save my church? You faked a miracle! My parishioners, my flock, my church, they-they believed in that miracle. And now you are ripping out that faith and replacing it with a lie. Maybe, maybe Iím not here to save this church, Nate. Maybe I need to lose this church to save you. (sighs) Go and sin no more.
[St Nicholas Church]
(Grant, Tomas and a photographer enter the church. Sophie sees them and stands)
Sophie (to priests): Excuse me. (walks over to Grant) Andy, um, there's a bit of trouble, nothing alarming. Itís just, um... the Vatican's here.
Grant: I know, isn't it great?
Grant: If they think it's real, we go forward with Bibletopia. If they expose it well, then I get good press for closing this fraud parish. You see, when people say "controversy," I hear "attention."
Sophie: You are shameless.
Grant: Oh, god, you get me so well. (to photographer) Hey, come on, get a picture with these guys.
(Grant and the photographer approach the investigative priests while Sophie and Tomas look at each other)
Grant: Padre, how are you, nice to meet you, Andrew Grant. Itís a real pleasure to have you hear in my church. I hope it will be my church someday soon)
(Sophie walks away to join Grant)
Grant: Itís good to have you here. Was your flight over okay? Oh, itís most senior, Iím sorry, I donít know the properÖ
(Tomas walks over to where Hardison is standing looking at the back of the church)
Tomas: Iím going to confession. (enters confessional)
Hardison: Iím right behind you.
(later the investigative priests leave the church. The team comes out of the confessional)
Hardison: That's great. As soon as that van full of Vatican CSI equipment gets here, we're screwed.
Parker: That's what I was trying to say, but you guys wouldn't let me talk while we were all in the closet!
Sophie: If we leave it here, they're gonna find out the statue isn't really crying and blame father Paul for fraud.
Eliot: Sophie, if we steal the statue, he's gonna get blamed for covering up a fraud.
Nate: Huh. (starts laughing)
Hardison: This ain't funny. As soon as they run a scan or a pH stick over that statue, they're gonna see those aren't real tears.
Nate: You're right. It's only a matter of time, you know, father Paul, he can't help but tell the truth. He's gonna flip on us.
Hardison: I hope this is the part where you suggest prayer.
Nate: No, the weeping statue of St. Nicholas is not gonna be stolen. It's gonna miraculously disappear in the middle of tomorrow's mass.
Sophie: Iím sorry?
Nate: In front of the priest, the Vatican, the entire congregation.
Sophie: Have you learned nothing, Nate?
Nate: How much does the statue weigh?
Hardison: About 900 pounds.
Hardison: I am so sorry, nana.
(the next day during Mass)
Paul: The lord be with you.
Congregation: And also with you.
Paul: A reading from the gospel according to Luke.
Congregation: Glory to you, lord.
(Grant, Tomas and Sophie enter the back of the church)
Paul: "A man had a fig tree in his vineyard, but it did not bear fruit. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ďfor three years, Iíve been looking for fruit on this tree, and for three years, Iíve found nothing. Itís a waste of my land. Cut it down!Ē
(Nate is standing amongst the congregation)
Paul: "Sir,Ē the worker replied, "leave it alone for one more year. Let me dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, all is well.Ē
(Eliot climbs a ladder and looks around as Hardison and Parker come to the bottom of the ladder)
Paul: ďIf not, then cut it down." The gospel of the lord.
(Eliot comes down the ladder as Hardison attaches Parkerís gear on her)
[St Nicholas Church]
Paul: Repent or perish! That's Luke 13. Tough to swallow, huh? But like all parables, this one's open to interpretation. Was the worker just being lazy? Stalling? "Iíll get to it, boss, next year. manana."
(Hardison and Eliot continue attaching gear on Parker)
Paul: Or did the worker have a secret?
[St Nicholas Church]
Paul: a secret, that only our faith sustains us over time. The owner (gestures at Grant) doesn't have his hands in the soil. Only the worker is there every day in the dirt, with the tree. He has faith in his skill and faith that god will support that skill, and maybe, in a year's time, the tree will bear fruit.
(Parker climbs the ladder. Eliot walks away while Hardison stays at the foot of the ladder)
Paul: He doesn't look for the easy way out.
[St Nicholas Church]
Paul: He doesn't say, "Oh, why would the lord do this to me? If only he would give me a sign. If only he'd give us a miracle." But the worker doesn't ask for a miracle. He has faith in himself and faith in god, and he only asks for time. (looking at Nate) Let us proclaim our faith.
(Congregation stands and bows their heads to pray)
Paul and Congregation together: We believe in one god, the father, the almighty, the maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.
(Sophie looks around to see Parker lowering on a rope toward the statue)
Paul and Congregation together: We believe in one lord, Jesus Christ, the only son of god.
(a little girl turns to see Parker hugging the statue)
Paul and Congregation together: Eternally begotten of the father.
(Parker gestures for the little girl to stay silent)
Paul and Congregation together: God from god, light from light, true god from true god, begotten, not madeÖ
(Parker and the statue rise toward the ceiling)
Paul and Congregation together: Öone in being with the father.
(Eliot carries a statue of St Nicholas on his shoulder and sets it on the statueís base)
Nate: Ok. Thatíll do it.
(Nate and Hardison move a much heavier statue out of the church)
Nate: Whoa! Yeah.
[St Nicholas Church]
Paul: For us men, for our salvation...
(Paul opens his eyes and sees that the statue is missing)
Girl: I saw what happened! An angel took it away!
(the congregation looks, alarmed, at the place the statue once stood)
Paul: Calm down, people! Thatís not what's happening!
(Paul looks out the window and sees Parker leaning against a van, out of breath)
Paul: I know what's going on here.
(Paul heads for the door, followed by the congregation)
Paul: There is no miracle! Somebody stole the statue! (opens the back doors of the van to reveal the statue lying inside) And I know who it is!
(Paul looks at Nate, standing nearby. Hardison closes the front door of the van and walks toward Father Paul)
Hardison: Andrew Grant.
Eliot: Hey, that's the guy that bought the church!
Grant: Thatís not my van!
Hardison: What kind of monster fakes a miracle for a profit? You sicken me.
Grant: The priest is desperate. Look, he hid the statue in the van. He forged the registration papers to frame me!
Eliot: I don't believe ya!
Grant: Look, look, look. (grabs Tomas and pulls him forward) Right here. See? My assistant, he was with me the whole time. Okay? Now, look. We bought this property, we're gonna fix up the neighborhood! Right?
Tomas: No! He got the land under this church the same way he got the rest of the neighborhood, the same way he gets all of his properties; by bribery, intimidation, and violence! Andrew Grant... sent a bunch of thugs to beat up father Paul!
(Tomas sitting in the confessional talking to Nate)
Tomas: If I go to the police with what I have, I could put him in jail. And me, too, probably. Father, what can I do to make things right?
Nate: You have to do the right thing???
(Police cars pull up)
Man: Big bully!
Grant: Youíre gonna have to think very hard about this. Weíre gonna have a long discussion.
(cop puts cuffs on Grant)
Grant: Ok, great. Good. Ok.
Parker: Cops got here fast.
Sophie: Itís almost as if an investigative journalist called them with a tip-off.
Grant (to Sophie): Kristi, save me, huh? You can spin this, right? instead of, uh, "felony," maybe soften it to, uh, ďcontroversy" or something.
(cops continue to pull Grant away as press follows)
Sophie: You know, when you say "controversy," I always hear "attention."
Grant: Oh! Are you even British?!
[St Nicholas Church]
Nate: You used me.
Paul: Yeah, well, you used me, too.
Nate: You broke the seal of the confessional and told everyone the statue was a fake.
Paul: To save the faith of my parish.
Nate: Wrong act, right reasons. End justify the means, father?
Paul: Iíll count myself blessed and take my miracle.
Nate: Ah, but there was no miracle.
Paul: Nate, five thieves saved my church.
Nate: It was good to see you, Paul.
Paul: You better plan on being here next Sunday. Iíve got a great sermon on making amends.
Nate: Weíll see.
Paul: Youíll be back. I have faith in you.
(Paul walks away. Nate looks at the candles along one wall and walks over to them. He lights a candle as the rest of the team waits. After a moment he rejoins them and they walk toward the door)
Hardison: Look at that. Saved a church.
Parker: Itís like Christmas. See? I told you St. Nicholas is Santa Claus.
Sophie: No, he's not, Parker.
Parker: Well, who is he, then?
Sophie: St. NicholasÖ is the patron saint of thieves.