2x06 The Top Hat Job
[Lillian Foods International, Server Room]
(Jameson is copying files onto a flash drive when Casten and Markland come up behind her)
Casten: Dr. Jameson.
Jameson: Mr. Casten. You scared me.
Casten: Only the I.T. Department is allowed in the server room.
Jameson: Oh, I...didn't want to bother them. I was just trying to copy some old research...documents. What are you doing here?
Casten: Over the last month, our head of security, Mr. Markland, has been tracking illegal activity in our databases. Now, you haven't seen anything suspicious up here, have you?
Jameson: No, that's-- I just lost some documents.
Casten (looking at computer): Flash drive.
(Casten types on the keyboard, pulling up a file on food born pathogens. Jameson runs while their backs are turned, going to push the button at the elevator in the hall)
Casten: Dr. Jameson, you're gonna need to come with—(realizes Jameson is gone) Find her. (unplugs Jameson’s flash drive from the computer)
(Jameson gets into the elevator and presses a button)
Computer: Going down.
(Markland enters the hallway and presses the elevator button)
Markland (on his phone): This is Markland. I need ground-level security.
(Jameson’s phone rings, she answers)
Man: Is this Leigh Jameson?
Jameson: Yes, it is. Who is this?
Man: This is Forrent Alarm Systems. Ma'am, your home alarm has been activated.
Man: Which may indicate a break-in or a home invasion.
(Markland is talking on the phone as Casten joins him in the hall)
Markland (on phone): Female, blond, wearing a white lab coat, exiting elevator bank "A."
(Jameson takes off her lab coat as the elevator dings. She takes out her hair and bunches the coat under her arm. She walks past security and heads for the door)
Security: Hey, you, with the blond ponytail. Stop right there! You're coming with me! Come on!
(Jameson walks out the doors of the building)
Jameson: So, when I got back home yesterday, my place was trashed. But the only thing stolen was my hard drive. I'm, I'm gonna stay with friends for now. Just in case.
Sophie: What is it that you have on Lillian Foods?
Jameson: About a month ago, one of our quality-control inspectors found salmonella bacteria on a shipment of frozen dinners.
Bartender: Here you are, ma'am.
Jameson: Thank you.
(Bartender places a drink on the bar in front of Jameson. She downs it in one go)
Jameson: It's been a rough week. Bartender. Thanks. One more.
Bartender: You got it.
Jameson: Turns out the entire frozen-Food division was contaminated. Our VP, Erik Casten, did a cost-benefit analysis of the problem. The study found that it would be cheaper to pay off any lawsuit than to pull the bad products off the shelves.
Bartender: Here you are. (sets down drink)
Jameson: Thanks. Oh, do you, do you want a –
Nate: No, thanks. Um...
Jameson (downs the drink): I'm so nervous. Casten's report estimated how many people will die. He looked at the data and decided it was an acceptable number of deaths. "An acceptable number of deaths"? Over food? So supermarkets are selling Lillian products that will kill people.
Nate: Dr. Jameson, we won't let that happen. I promise you. Okay.
Jameson: Thank you.
Jameson: Thank you. You've made me feel much better, Mr. Ford. (takes his hand)
Sophie: Oh. Um... you, uh, not "Mr. Ford." Y-you, you should call him Nate.
Jameson: I appreciate it, Nate.
Nate: Well, I-It's what we... This, uh, Casten, the VP, uh, he's just a VP, right? What -- What about the CEO? I mean...
Jameson: Uh, Mr. Price. He doesn't know anything about it. That's why I was trying to get the report, to give it to him, or the FDA. Anyone.
Nate: Well, okay, what I'm gonna do -- I'm gonna go brief the team about all of this.
Sophie: Oh, um, no. I've, I've got a better idea. I think I should go and, and--
Nate: Oh, no, no, no. Don't be silly.
Sophie: Yeah. No, don't worry about it. Because I-I think that you should actually stay here, because Dr. Jameson, she still looks a little bit rattled.
(Sophie leaves and Nate and Jameson seem very uncomfortable)
Nate: That's a hell of a story.
Nate: Yeah. I'm gonna go brief the team. Then I'll give you a call.
Nate: Oh. Okay.
Bartender: How you doing over here? Okay?
Jameson: One more. Thank you.
Bartender: You got it.
[Lillian Foods, Lobby]
(Eliot walks in carrying a pizza and wearing a delivery uniform. He approaches the desk and a woman sitting there on the phone)
(Hardison is sitting on the couch seeing what Eliot sees through a button cam)
Hardison: Her name is Katie. Likes wild horses. Dislikes vanilla toothpaste.
[Lillian Foods, Lobby]
Eliot: Please stop talking. (to Katie) Hey.
Katie (on phone): Well, I can certainly check.
(Eliot sets the pizza on the counter as Katie looks at something on the computer)
Eliot: How you doing?
(Katie gestures for him to wait)
Eliot (to comm): Oh, I'm so in.
Hardison: Hey, uh, Eliot, what is that blocking your button cam? Oh, yeah, it's your ego. Parker?
[Exterior, Lillian Foods]
(Parker is sitting on a bench across the street, watching the building and referring to her notes. A homeless man is lying on the bench next to hers)
Parker: First 10 floors are free-Climbing heaven, but after that, it's a slip and slide.
Man: You have pretty hair.
Parker: You don't.
(Nate and Sophie reach the hallway in the elevator)
Sophie: I just don't know what you're doing up here. You know, you should be downstairs.
Nate: Why would I be downstairs with her? I-I --
Sophie: Look, she's beautiful...
Nate: We have a meeting, and I --
Sophie: ...she's available, and she's into you, I can tell.
Nate: How could you possibly tell? Look, I appreciate what --
Sophie: And you've got things in common.
Nate: --you’re doing, but I don’t really need this.
Sophie: You definitely have things in common with her.
Nate: Like what?
Sophie: Well, um, she's a scientist. And, well, um... You're, you're a bit nerdy. Aren't you?
Nate: I'm, I'm a, I'm a bit nerdy?
Sophie: And food, she works with food.
Nate: She works with food.
Sophie: Well, you eat, don't you?
Nate: I don't understand how she could make this. Look, I --
Sophie: Just, just think about it.
Nate: No, I don't --
Sophie: Just go with it. Come on. Take a leap of faith.
Nate: Nerdy? Seriously?
Sophie: Trust me.
(Nate opens the door and they enter the condo)
Sophie: I just wish you had someone in your life. That's all I'm saying.
Nate: Yeah, but, Sophie, she's a client.
Sophie: Mm, that's an excuse.
Sophie: When was the last time you had a date, huh, a real date?
Sophie: And with whom?
Sophie: Mnh-Mnh. I don't think that counts.
Nate: Are you, uh, you running recon on Lillian Foods?
Hardison: Uh, yeah?
Nate: Don't you think you should consult with me first?
Hardison: Did you? Did he ju—
Sophie: We do this all the time, Nate.
Hardison: Hey, look, man, where do you think my intel comes from? For the last time, there is no blueprint fairy.
Nate: Yeah, well, I want you to pull them out. Do it now.
Hardison: Look, we know what we're doing, man. It's a food company.
Nate: No, no, you don't, no. Not with a place like this. You don't know what you're doing.
Katie: I can try to transfer you to the department again.
(a guard comes up behind Eliot and grabs his pizza. Another guard takes Eliot’s arm and leads him away)
Guard: Come with us, please.
Eliot: Sure. (to Katie) Don't you go anywhere.
(the guards lead Eliot away from the desk and toward a security station)
Nate: I'd give it exactly, uh, uh, two seconds before this becomes a train wreck.
Eliot: Hardison, we got a problem.
Hardison: What kind of problem?
Eliot: They're MRI'ing my pizza, and their stance says "ex-CIA."
Hardison: You can tell somebody work for the CIA just from how they stand?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive stance!
(a guard comes over and puts his hand on Eliot’s shoulder)
(alarms pop up on the monitors and begin to blare)
Hardison: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. You are getting query spiked all over the grid. (typing on keyboard) NSA. CIA. OSS. I-I don't even know what that… You know what? You want to play rough? We gonna play rough. Oh, we gonna play. How...do you like me... Now?
Sophie: Yeah. Oh.
(monitors show a security threat, initiating hardline lockout)
Hardison: Uh, Eliot, you need to get out of there...
(the lights in the condo go out)
(Eliot slams a guard back into a pillar, breaking his grip)
Eliot: Working on it! (knocks one guard down) Parker, I'm coming out hot. (punches another guard)
[Exterior, Lillian Foods]
Parker: Okay. All clear out here. Just me and...
Man (into radio): Copy that. I think I goone out here, too.
(Parker and the man look at each other)
(several guards are unconscious on the floor as another approaches Eliot)
Eliot: Hey, big boy. What are you, 240, 250?
(the guard swings at him and Eliot punches the guy in the crotch. The guy goes down)
[Exterior, Lillian Foods]
(the man tries to grab Parker, but she jumps up on the bench, backing up on against the rail over the water)
Eliot (to Katie): I'll call you.
[Exterior, Lillian Foods]
Man: You know when I said you had pretty hair? I was lying.
Parker: Yeah, well, so was I when I said you didn't. Wait. Damn it!
(Parker kicks the man back and backflips off the railing. The man looks over the edge, but doesn’t see her. Parker is hanging onto steel girders under the side walk)
Hardison: Wait for it.
(Hardison types on keyboard and the power comes back up)
Hardison: See? See? It wasn't no problem. I mean, I-I had it under control. You like the, uh, the new clear image on the button cams? I-I upgraded. Yeah.
(later, Sophie and Nate are sitting at the table. Hardison is bent over one of the chairs. Parker and Eliot are seated at the counter, Eliot has an ice patch on his elbow)
Nate: So, pizza-Delivery guy was your big plan?
Hardison: You know what, man? It was recon. Okay? Information gathering has historically been a very safe and peaceful business. A-and it was a food company! It wasn't like they was making weapons.
Nate: Listen, I-I've worked insurance for companies like this. Anyone gets their hands on the company's food patents, it could cost them billions. And, by the way, they guard that stuff better than defense contractors.
Parker (touches Eliot’s elbow): Does that hurt?
Sophie: Well, that explains all the ex-spooks hanging around the lobby, then.
Hardison: You know what? You live and you learn.
Eliot: No, I lived. All right? You sat behind (Parker pokes his elbow) a computer and acted like Kool Moe Dee.
Hardison: What you call me? Kool Moe Dee? Like you even know anything about Kool Moe Dee. I was gathering very crucial information.
Parker: Does that hurt?
Parker: How about now? (pokes his elbow)
Nate: How about you share that crucial information with the rest of us?
Hardison: Okay. You, you know what? You ain't said nothing but a word. (takes remote and heads for monitors)
(Parker gets up to move away, then leans back to poke his elbow again)
Nate: Eliot. Guys. Eliot. What are you doing?
Eliot: She was poking me.
(Nate moves to look at Eliot’s elbow)
Nate: Don't, man, hey!
Hardison: Lillian Foods is the third-largest food company in the world. Last year, made $12 billion. This is the vice president of the frozen-Foods division, Erik Casten. Erik with a "k," Casten with a "c."
Nate: How is that relevant?
Parker: Oh. Eric with a "c" - nice and friendly, Erik with a "k" - Evil.
Nate: I didn't know that.
Parker: Everybody knows that.
Hardison: According to Dr. Jameson, Erik with a "k" is trying to cover up salmonella found in the frozen dinners so his division doesn't have to pay out for that recall.
Eliot: That's why I grow my own food.
Sophie: How do you find the time?
Eliot: You make time. I only sleep 90 minutes a day.
Nate: All right, so what we have to do is we have to get a hold of Casten's report and make it public. It's on the servers. How do we get into the building?
Hardison: I'm so far ahead of you, man, it's scary.
(a package is being delivered to the receptionist)
Hardison: Look, I can't hack their system from the outside, so I sent a Trojan phone. It's hacker 101.
(the package is delivered through inner office mail to a mail slot)
Hardison: What I did was messenger a Smartphone with an extended battery to an employee that's on vacation. Package sits in the mail room, it scans for wireless and Bluetooth access points.
Hardison: Unfortunately, even their internal servers are locked down like the CIA, so all I was able to get was employee e-Mails.
Sophie: Well, anything useful there?
Hardison: Oh, yeah. You know what? Marie from Payroll has a crush on Steve from Accounts Receivable. (hits remote to show pics on screen) Look, that's Steve right there on his vacation in Florida from a month ago.
Parker: She likes him? Really?
Hardison: Oh, yeah. That man is a sexy man-Beast right there. Now, Shannon and Chris from marketing, they got a little fight going on with Lauren from ads.
Sophie: Office politics. God, it's lucky we don't, we don't have that.
Hardison: Everybody up in there is complaining about this "state of the company" thing tomorrow. And Brian from I.T. –
Nate: That's it. That's it right there. That's our way in.
Hardison: Brian from I.T.? No, he is not a team player.
Nate: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's our, that's our way in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. Yeah, the "state of the company" meeting. Here we go.
Eliot: What is that? I don't know what that is.
Parker: Me neither.
Hardison: It's like state of the union?
Sophie: What is that?
Nate: Oh, right, right. No, you guys never had real jobs. Yeah.
Hardison: Of course not, man. Come on.
Nate: Right. All right, so when I used to work for IYS, we would do this all the time. The company, big companies, they make their employees sit for the entire day and listen to these boring speeches, lame entertainment, bad food, it's --
Parker: Ugh. I'm so glad I don't live in the real world.
Nate: Yeah, and it's mandatory. It's the only time that all the employees are away from their desk at the same time.
Sophie: All right, so, we go in as caterers, we download the report while everyone's chucking back the mini quiches. Easy.
Hardison: No. No, see, it's a food company. All the catering is in-house. The only outsiders involved in this whole big operation are the entertainment.
Nate: And who would that be?
Hardison: Oh, you're gonna love this. Chronos the magnificent.
(Chronos and his assistant are on stage, performing magic tricks)
Hardison: Chronos the Magnificent. More like Chronos the jackass. Look. (pulling up information on phone) Multiple sexual-harassment charges.
(on stage, the assistant looks less than thrilled)
Parker: Look. Even his assistant hates him. That's kind of sad.
Chronos: For my next trick, I will need a volunteer.
(various people in the audience put their hands up)
Hardison: Go ahead. Put your hand up.
Parker: I don't want to do it.
Parker: I really don't want to go. Don't make me go.
Hardison: Girl! Take one for the team.
Parker: Okay! Me! Me! Me! Me! Pick me!
Chronos: You. Come on up here.
(Hardison and Parker stand. Hardison shows Parker something on his phone)
Hardison: The box is an SASJ-6412. This is how it works, all right?
(Hardison nudges Parker up on the stage. Chronos looks her up and down)
Chronos: Well... What's your name?
Hardison: Yeah, Kara! Love you! Love you!
Parker: Love you, too. Sorry.
Chronos: Well, Kara, are you ready to step into the box... of mystery?
(assistant gestures to the box)
Parker: Uh. I don't know.
Chronos: I assure you, it's perfectly safe.
Hardison: I love you. (to another man) That's my girl. That's my baby. Sexy. She been doing Pilates.
Chronos: Give Kara a round of applause.
(Parker gets into the box and Chronos closes her in)
Hardison: Sexy stuff! Go ahead, girl. Do what you do.
(Chronos takes out several swords. He hands one to his assistant and pushes the other into the box)
Parker: Ow! Hey! Ow!!
(Parker grabs the sword and pulls)
Parker: Let go!
(Chronos tries to pull the sword out but it won’t move)
Chronos: She, she's perfectly all right.
Parker: Let go! Ow!
(the sword breaks and Chronos is left fumbling)
Hardison: Hey, Kara! Damn all that "she's all right." (Hardison comes up on stage) Baby?
(Hardison pounds on the box. Parker begins crying. The assistant tries to look into the box through the holes on the side)
Hardison: Um, baby? Baby? Man, if you don't –
(Chronos picks up another sword just as Hardison gets the doors open)
Parker: Just kidding.
Hardison: Ha! Isn't she great? Isn't -- come on.
(the audience gives applause)
Hardison: Snoodles. (they rub noses) Oh. Love you. (moves away from the box) And thank you and you and you and you!
(Chronos pulls out a set of rings)
Chronos: Interlocking rings.
Hardison: Hey, man, you, you forgot one over here. Just...
(Hardison takes a ring and hooks it onto the two Chronos is holding. The audience cheers)
Hardison: Thank you! That's dope, man. I like that.
Chronos: Get off my stage!
(Chronos pulls the rings away from Hardison
Hardison: Oh, look, y'all, this –
(Hardison takes one of the swords and pretends to ram it into his stomach)
Hardison: It, it ain't real. That ain't even all that, man. That's –
(Chronos grabs Hardison)
Hardison: Get -- get off –
(Chronos punches Hardison)
Parker: Oh, my god! Baby, I'm here!
(Chronos runs off stage while Hardison holds his eye)
Parker: I'm, like, totally here for you right now! Somebody get on your cell phone!
Hardison: I love you!
Parker: Get a dentist! You.
Hardison: I love you!
[Lillian Foods, Lobby]
(Markland, on the phone, approaches the desk)
Katie: Oh, that's great. Here you go.
(Markland signs in)
Markland: He did what?
[Exterior Lillian Foods]
(Hardison opens the doors of the van and begins unloading it while Sophie talks from the passenger’s seat. Parker is sitting on a trunk)
Sophie: It's not as bad as it sounds, but, um, Chronos is gonna be held in custody for the next 24 hours.
[Lillian Foods, Lobby]
Markland: Our event is in two hours.
[Exterior Lillian Foods]
Sophie: We do have a replacement, though, and he'll be with you any second. I just need you to put his team on the security list.
[Lillian Foods, Lobby]
(Nate walks into the lobby, flourishing cards and walks up to Markland)
Nate: Pick a card.
(Nate shuffles cards and does a trick, but Markland is unimpressed. Nate holds up a business card)
Nate: Harry Turner.
Markland: "Magician." I know.
Nate: "Illusionist." Magicians do kids' parties. I do fortune 500 companies. Uh, right this way, gang.
(the rest of the team comes in pushing boxes and trunks)
Markland: Whoa! And who are these people?
Nate: Oh, this is my team. I believe you spoke to my manager. This is Nell Carver. All right? And my illusions designer, Frank Brunner. And my lovely assistant, Clea.
Hardison: Hey, man. (shaking Markland’s hand) I hope you have a doctor in the house, because this man right here is gonna blow your mind.
Nate: All right. Come on. We're on a very tight schedule.
Markland: Nothing gets in or out of this building without getting scanned.
Nate: These crates contain my illusions, my life. I'm not gonna reveal my secrets. Come on.
Markland: That's not my problem! Is it?
Nate: Could you please –
Sophie: Yeah, I'll take care of this, Harry. Mr. Markland, um, I'm sure we can figure something out. It's not gonna be possible --
Nate: Yeah, let's pull up the van, Frank, and let's get out of here.
Nate: Yeah, I think so. This is ridiculous!
Price: What the hell is going on here?
Markland: Mr. Price. Sir... this is –
Nate: Harry Turner, Illusionist Extraordinaire. You are Mr. Price, CEO Of this company?
Price: I am. What's going on here?
Nate: I would like very much, sir, to give your people a wonderful show, but your, uh, your doorman here would like to look at our boxes of illusions and, and destroy the illusion.
Price: Markland, just lighten up, will you?
Nate: Just lighten up, would you?
Price: It's a magic show, for Pete’s sake.
Nate: For Pete’s sake.
(the team follows Price further into the building)
Nate: Okay, we're clear. Let him out.
(Parker opens the door on a tall box and Eliot comes out, holding a top hat inside of which is a rabbit)
Sophie: It's a good job you're not claustrophobic, Eliot.
Eliot: I was when I was a kid. (to Nate) Take this damn thing.
Nate: Oh, all right.
Parker: Really? How'd you get over it?
Nate: Here, Parker. (hands her the hat and rabbit)
Eliot: I locked myself in a woodshed behind my house for a couple nights. After that, I was fine.
(Parker hands the hat and rabbit to Hardison)
Parker: That is so funny. I was scared of the dark and did exactly the same thing.
(a young Parker lays in a trunk that is sitting in a hole)
Girl: You ready?
(Parker pulls the trunk closed and several children fill in the hole)
Eliot: That's not the same thing. What's wrong with you?
Sophie (to Nate): So, y-you, you're actually enjoying this.
Nate: Oh, you know, being a magician, it’s the next best thing to being a con artist. You know, it's all about misdirection and control.
Sophie: So, uh, no one actually told you that you can't control life?
Sophie: You see, this is why you're not in a relationship.
Nate: No, Sophie, I'm just very focused on my work right now, you know? I was out of control before. Now I'm in control. It's a good thing.
Sophie: So, what you're doing is trading one addiction for another.
Eliot: Hey, man, do you know how to do this magic stuff?
Nate: Oh, no, absolutely. Positively. Yeah. No, it's all about the rabbit. You know, having – (looks around for the rabbit) By the way, where's -- where did the rabbit, uh... Uh, okay. Uh... well, okay, okay. Hardison, let's go over the plan.
Hardison: Okay, the show opens with our friend Erik Casten delivering the "state of the company" speech. The speech is scheduled to last an hour, giving myself, Eliot, and Parker enough time to go down to the server room, hack the servers, download the report, and get back downstairs.
Sophie: So, massively, there will be no magic show.
Nate: Oh, no, there might be a magic show. No, absolutely. We might want to treat these people to the illusionist extraordinaire, right?
Sophie: Yeah, you, um, you really do need a girlfriend.
Nate: No, all I need is the... is the rabbit. Where's...
Eliot: Yeah. H-Hardison.
Eliot: Have the rabbit?
Hardison (holds up the hat): It's a real magic hat, man.
Eliot: Where's the rabbit?
Sophie: I thought you had it.
Nate: Come on, fan out. Fan out. Let's find the rabbit.
Eliot: Damn it, Hardison!
Sophie: I never had it.
(later Nate looks out into the auditorium from back stage)
Nate: Sophie, you're on.
Price: Molly, I just want to say thanks for all you do. It means a lot.
Sophie: Mr. Price. Nell Carver.
Price: Hi, Nell.
Sophie: Yeah, I-I, we met earlier, actually. I work with Harry.
Price: Oh, the, the magician.
Sophie: Yeah, that's right. So, listen, um, there's this little thing. When Harry does these, these corporate gigs, you know, he likes to work in a few little tidbits about the employees, you know, just funny little things.
Sophie: I knew you'd want to help. I wondered if I could just scribble down a couple of things.
Price: Oh, boy. Let's see. Um, well, one is Dave Bickle.
Price: Dave Bickle loves his coffee.
Sophie: Loves his coffee.
Price: Takes it very seriously.
Price: Yeah. And, uh, who else we got?
Price: I --
Sophie: He just loves his coffee?
Price: Yeah. Oh, I mean, he pours down...
Sophie: Oh, I see. That’s it
Eliot: I thought you said you had to have a corporate I.D. Badge to get in the elevator.
Hardison: We do. We actually need one from a top executive.
Parker: Where are we gonna get that?
Hardison: Sophie's sending one to me right now. By magic.
Price: And then there's, uh, Sam Weston, except we call him "Spam" Weston, because this guy forwards e-mail all over the company. Unbelievable.
Sophie: "Spam" Weston. I get it. That's great. (uses stylus on her phone) Now, Harry is gonna work wonders with that. That's-that is fabulous. Thank you so much.
(Sophie’s phone picks up an RFID signal and copies it)
Hardison: See, Sophie’s Smartphone is picking up the RFID signal from the big boss's I.D. All she had to do was cozy up next to him and...
(security panel reads ‘Identity Confirmed. Around the corner, security guards head toward the elevator)
Eliot: go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Go.
(Hardison and Parker get into the elevator, Eliot follows)
Parker: You picked his pockets without actually stealing anything? Cool.
Hardison: It's what I do. A man. A phone. No limits.
(security guards walk by as the doors close)
Eliot: How about "a man. A phone. No action"?
(Parker laughs and hands Eliot a bag)
Eliot: Come on, man, you left that out there like a hanging curveball.
Price: And now, ladies and gentlemen, to deliver this year's "state of the company" address, I've chosen a rising star. This is a man whose work ethic, whose creativity...
Sophie:...and utter disregard for human life...
Price: ...and whose dedication to our mission make him uniquely qualified, really, to talk with us about how far we've come and also how far we still have to go. I am honored to introduce vice president Erik Casten. Erik, come on up.
(the audience gives applause as Erik walks to the podium)
Nate: Give him a little moment before, uh, he sinks himself.
Casten: You know, I wrote a speech about this company, which I have been proud to call my home for five years. But then I thought, doesn't our record-breaking third quarter speak for itself?
(Eliot lifts Parker up to the hatch in the ceiling of the elevator)
Casten: So, with that, and the open bar, in mind, I'd just like to say thanks, everybody. And let's give a warm welcome to (checks notes) Harry turner, illusionist extraordinaire!
Sophie: That’s you. You’re on.
Nate: Parker, I need my assistant now!
Sophie: Yeah. Yeah, speaking of that, how come Parker gets to be the assistant?
Hardison: How come Nate gets to be the magician? I do card tricks, too. I do great card tricks.
Nate: Can we talk about this later?
Sophie: Yeah, exactly. That's what I was just saying!
Eliot: Does anybody want to do my job? Huh? I get punched and kicked.
Sophie: I just think that if it was me, we'd be better off –
Nate: I gotta go.
Sophie: You’re giving me your gum?
(Nate walks out on stage and Casten leaves the audience)
Nate: Hello, Lillian Foods! It's such an honor to be here with you. It’s, um... Lillian Foods. When I think of Lillian Foods, I think of, I think of frozen pizza.
(Parker throws a rope down into the elevator)
Hardison: What am I supposed to do with that?
Parker: Hook it to something.
Hardison: Ain't nothing to hook it to.
(Parker jumps down the elevator shaft. Eliot watches the rope unravel, grabs the end and hooks it to Hardison’s belt as he bends over)
Nate: We're gonna do a lot of magic here today.
(Parker yells as she falls. She lands on something solid and grabs the rope, hooking it to something on her rig. The floor she’s standing on cracks and she falls)
Hardison: You hear that?
(the rope pulls Hardison up to the ceiling)
(Parker falls onto the stage, dangling over it)
Nate: Ah! My wonderful assistant, the spectacular, unpredictable Clea!
(the audience cheers)
(Eliot looks up at Hardison hanging helplessly against the ceiling)
Nate (to Parker): Wave. Say hi. Something.
(Parker waves nervously)
Nate: Isn't she magnificent?
Eliot: Oh, look at that. I could've just hooked it to the rail. My bad.
Hardison: How am I supposed to get down?
Nate (to Parker): Go change!
(Parker releases the rope and it flies upward)
(Hardison falls to the floor of the elevator)
Eliot: Really, man, you didn't see that coming?
Hardison: Not funny. Not funny.
Markland: Mr. Casten. What happened to your speech?
Casten: While everyone's busy with the show, I've got some things to take care of upstairs. (Markland moves to go with him) Alone.
(Markland backs away and Casten gets on the elevator, the security device confirming his ID)
Markland: All clear.
Nate: Well, if you wanted to make coffee disappear, what would you do? Hmm? Well, you know, Da--
Nate: David Bickle knows about disappearing coffee, don’t you, Dave? Hmm? Right?
(Hardison is trying to hack his way into the server room)
Eliot: How long is this gonna take?
Hardison: As long as it has to take. You know, I was just pulled up to the ceiling of an elevator by my pants, so do not take that tone with me.
(the elevator dings it’s arrival on the floor)
Eliot: Go. Go!
(Hardison and Eliot move around the corner quickly. Casten goes into the server room and sits down, visible through the window)
Eliot: It's Casten. What the hell's he doing in the server room?
Hardison (pulls out phone): Let's find out.
Eliot: What are you doing?
Hardison: All the employee phones in this building are hooked up to the internal Wi-Fi. You remember the Trojan phone? It works both ways. See, I can use the server to access his phone. And once I'm in, I can see through his phone's camera.
Eliot: You can do that?
Hardison: Oh, you'd be surprised at what I can do. (changes display on phone)
Eliot: He's deleting the files.
Hardison: Guys. You remember that bright idea we had about accessing the—
Hardison: --server room while everyone was at the show?
Nate: Parker, where are you?
Hardison: We're not the only ones.
Eliot: He's gonna wipe everything from the system. People are gonna die.
Nate: So, do you like working at Lillian Foods? Yes?
Sophie: Stall, Nate. Stall. Yes.
(Parker pushes a box out on stage)
Nate: Ah, here she is now. Uh the lovely Clea! Yes! Clea! Very nice!
(Parker hands Nate a handkerchief)
Nate: Ho! Thank you very much, Clea. (puts it in his pocket) I'll just put that right here. I have something for you, Clea. Something you might like very much. Mm. It's right here, Somewhere. Ah. Here it is. (blows into his hand) It's not working. (to comm) Have to have another way to access the servers, guys. (produces flowers and gives them to Parker)
Eliot: Already on it.
Hardison (into phone): Leigh, I need secondary access to the servers.
Jameson: Try the junction room. It has one IO Station. And be careful. (closes laptop) Bartender?
Jameson: Can I have another?
Eliot: Can you get to the servers from here?
Hardison: Oh, yeah. If anything, the computer systems are more vulnerable up here. The only catch is, security is way gnarlier.
Eliot: What about Casten?
Hardison: It'll take him some time. See, he has to find and delete all the copies. We just need one.
(Hardison sees a security device)
Hardison: Uh, guys, I-I can't bypass the biometrics. I need a fingerprint.
(the elevator dings. Eliot pulls Hardison and they both dive underneath a desk)
Hardison: And it has to be somebody with pretty high clearance.
(a man walks by the desk they’re hiding under)
Sophie: I'm on it.
(Sophie moves into the audience)
Nate: ...supernatural forces. But here at Lillian Foods...
Sophie: Mr. Price, Mr. Price!
Sophie: We're ready for you.
Price: Ah, wha—
Sophie: It's time for your bit of the magic show.
Price: No, I didn't--
Sophie: We did clear it with your assistant. She said that you wanted to show a more fun side this year. So, let's go.
Price: Um... okay. But, but is it gonna take much time?
Sophie: No, no, no, no. It's gonna be over in a... flash.
Nate: Thank you!
(Casten is deleting files from the system)
Nate: And now, to help me with my next illusion, a man you know all too well, a man the HR Department likes to call a "hire" power... Mr. William Taylor Price, ladies and gentlemen!
Nate: Mr. Price, Mr. Price, if you could just come and stand next to me right here. Right here, sir. That's fantastic. Now, there's something I'd like you to hold on to. Okay? Just come stand over here. That's right. Just keep that in your hand like this. Okay, now, I want you to concentrate.
(Nate pushes a cell phone into Price’s hand, making sure the thumb print is on the screen)
Price: Why, why am I holding --
Parker: No questions.
(Nate clears his throat)
Parker: I mean, believe in the magic.
Nate: Yes, believe in the magic.
(Hardison receives an image of Price’s thumb print and prints it from his phone to a small printer)
Nate: All right, are you believing?
Price: I... yeah.
Nate: Yes, what are you thinking of? A number between 1 and 7.
Nate: That's good. Don't tell me. Okay, now I want you to hold out your arm like this. Okay? And on my count, you're gonna open your hand. Look here.
Price: What --
Nate: Ready and open!
(Price opens his hand and a number of red balls drop from it)
Thank you very much, Mr. Price.
Price: It was 6.
Nate: It was 6. Sure, it was. Certainly. It was 6. (holds up Price’s keys) Who would like this?
(Hardison tries to use the thumb print, but it doesn’t work)
Hardison: It's not optical. They're using active capacitance. See, what happens is, it measures the change in voltage across the micro ridges of the --
Eliot: Can you get in or not?
Hardison: You... (reaches in his bag and pulls out a gummy frog)
Eliot: Gummy frogs?
Hardison: Gummy frogs have the same resistance as human skin, about 20 milliohms. (runs frog along the reader) What'd I say? That's a low-Tech hack right there. It's just a piece of ca—
(the scanner beeps and a red light runs along Hardison’s eye))
Hardison: There may also be a retinal scanner.
Nate: Retinas? How am I gonna get his retinas?
Sophie: Well, a proper assistant would know the answer to that.
Nate: Okay, hold tight. And now, uh... how many of you would like to see your boss disappear? Hmm? Show of hands. Uh, now, if we could bring Mr. Price back up here, that would be great.
Sophie: Mr. Price. (leads Price back on stage) Mr. Price...
Nate: Mr. Price, how are you doing today, sir?
(Parker pulls out the large upright box from behind a screen)
Price: I -- We did this. We did this.
Sophie (to Parker, flourishing her arms): See, you're supposed to do it like this.
Parker: Next time, you jump down the elevator shaft.
Sophie: Oh, stop it. Everybody knows you love that. (leaves stage)
Nate: Right this way, Mr. Price.
(Price gets into the box)
Nate: Now say goodbye to Mr. Price, because you may never see him again. This illusion is very, very difficult, especially for someone who has never performed it before, such as myself. Mr. Price?
Nate: Okay. Say goodbye!
(behind the screen, Parker and Nate switch boxes)
Price: So, that's how they do that trick.
(two guards are walking down the hall
Guard: Right behind you.
(Sophie pushes the box containing Price into the hallway and toward the elevators)
Price: Hello? Hello? Hello?! Hello!
Sophie: Shh! Shh! Shh! No, Mr. Price.
Price: Am I moving?
Sophie: Don't make a peep. The audience, they're lapping it up. You're doing great!
Price: Yeah, this is -- This is good. I...think.
(Casten continues to delete files)
(Nate drives a sword into the side of the box several times)
Nate: Oh! Terrible, I know. Now are you ready to see dear old Mr. Price? Yes?
(the audience claps)
Nate: Clea, we must do this. One, two, three! Voila?!
(Nate opens the doors of the box and spins it, showing that it is empty save the swords sticking into it.
Nate: Okay! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much!
Sophie: I don't see why I wasn't the assistant. Well, why wasn't I? "Abracadabra." I could do that.
(Price’s ID opens the elevator and Sophie pushes it inside)
Sophie: It's all yours.
(the elevator closes with only the box inside as Sophie walks away)
Price: hello? Hello?
(Nate and Parker continue to do tricks on stage)
Nate: Thank you!
Price: I can hear you breathing out there! Hello?
(Eliot pushes the box through the office toward Hardison, who is waiting by the security device)
(Nate puts a bird into a bag and hands it to Parker)
Nate: Please take care of this bird.
(Parker crushes the bag)
Parker: You said take care of it!
Hardison: Where you been?
Hardison: Would you move the – Move the box. Move -- Move the box.
(Eliot opens the door and shines a light in Price’s face. The device scans Price’s eye as he talks)
Price: Oh, thank god. I was really beginning to think this whole thing was gonna be Bickle getting back at me for all the coffee j—(Eliot closes the door) Hey!
Eliot: Doing a hell of a job, man. You're killin' 'em out there!
Price: It's really dark in here.
(Hardison enters the junction room as Eliot pushes the box away)
Bickle? "Spam" Weston? Are you guys in on this together? Who else is out there? Come on!
(Hardison pulls out some equipment and looks around)
(Nate and Parker continue to do magic tricks)
Nate: Now, uh, Clea, if you'll pull the end of this rope. And the other one. Blow on this.
(Hardison taps into some of the wiring in the room)
Nate: Now blow on this.
(the audience applaudes)
Hardison: There we go. (sits down at a computer) No, no, no, no, no, no, no! we're too late. They're all gone. Casten deleted all copies of the report.
(Casten makes a call as he watches the last of the files delete)
Casten: Markland, I'm on the way down. Dr. Jameson can cry all she wants. She's got nothing on me now. (sees something on screen) Markland. Besides the server room, where else could someone access protected files?
Markland: Uh, the junction room. Why?
Casten: We may have a breach.
Markland (approaching security monitors) There it is. We have movement in the elevator!
Casten: Lock it all down.
Markland: Done. (hangs up) Go to the elevator, now!
(Markland types on a computer, brining the elevator to the main floor)
(Hardison’s computer shows the junction room doors being locked)
Hardison: Uh-oh. (gets up and heads for the door)
Eliot: "Uh-oh"? What do you mean, "uh-oh"?
Price: This isn't funny any longer!
(elevator door opens)
Guard: Step out of the elevator.
Eliot: Oh, that "uh-oh." (crosses his arms)
Guard: Step out of the elevator.
(the doors start to close and the guard pushes them open. Eliot grabs the guard’s arm and pulls him into the elevator, hitting him in the stomach, then slamming his head on the box)
(Eliot slams the guard against the wall and ducks a punch to the face)
(Eliot punches the guard and he goes down. A second guard attacks Eliot, and he throws him against the wall)
Price: Stop! Help!
(Eliot ducks several punches before punching the second guard)
Price: I can hear you.
(the second guard tries to kick Eliot, but he grabs his leg and punches him, then uses the box to slam him against the wall)
Price: Just stop it! Just stop it!
(Hardison tries the door, but it won’t open)
Hardison: Hey, Nate. You know that trick where you make the guy disappear from a locked room? I could really use that right now.
Nate: What's wrong, Clea? Are you okay?
Parker: Yeah, there’s just a tic --
Nate: Is there a doctor in the house?!
(Parker coughs up a handkerchief)
(several guards are climbing stairs)
Markland: Echo team, report.
Guard (on radio): Team is down. Magician's assistant took them out.
Markland: Repeat that last. Did you say "magician"?
Price: This is no longer a joke! Come on!
(Eliot grinds the second guard against the side with the box)
Price: Oh, my goodness, stop! If you can hear my voice out there, I'm telling you, you're fired!
(Eliot punches the guard in the face)
Price: Stop it!
(Eliot knocks the guard out)
(Parker chases Nate around the stage with an over large pair of scissors)
(the elevator doors open)
Eliot (to Sophie): Show's over. We're blown.
Sophie: Nate, bring down the curtain now.
(Eliot and Sophie walk away from the elevator)
Price: Hello? Hello?!
Nate: And now -- Now it's time for our grand finale! Clea? Grand finale.
(Parker walks off stage)
(Hardison unhooks his equipment and goes to the door. It opens, Markland and Casten coming in)
Hardison: Thank god. This, it turns out, is not the men's room. But y'all should really have signs up and down the hallways, 'cause I been stuck up in here for about an hour, man. Ironic, I know, because of the whole magic, but see, I build the magic trick. My man does them.
Casten: The drive.
Hardison: The -- I'm s-- The, uh -- I don't drive.
(Casten grabs the drive in Hardison’s hand)
Hardison: That drive. Oh, okay. I see what you –
(Markland punches Hardison in the stomach and pushes him back in a chair)
(Parker comes back on stage with a curtain attached to a ring)
Nate: Ah, yes!
(Parker throws the ring over both of them)
Nate: Now, I'd like you to count with us, please.
Parker (whispers): Are you sure this is gonna work?
Nate (whispers) 50-50 chance.
(guards enter the auditorium)
(they lift the ring above their heads)
Markland: Where is the rest of your team?
Hardison: I don't even know what you're talking about, man.
(Parker lowers the ring, showing only herself)
(Parker raises the ring. Many more guards enter the room. Nate lowers the ring and raises it quickly as guards come on stage)
(guards grab the ring and lower it to the ground, revealing only the rabbit. The audience cheers)
Guard: Go through the wing! Check the exit door!
(Casten is checking the drive and finds only instructions on how to do magic tricks)
Casten: Magic tricks?
Hardison: Hey, man, y-you lookin' at all my stu-- that's all my business. You know what? You, sir, should expect a very strongly worded letter from the Magicians Local 77.
Casten: The labels on frozen dinners say "heat to 161 degrees." That kills the bacteria. It's on the package.
(Markland grabs Hardison’s throat and begins to squeeze)
Casten: The world is a very dangerous place for people who can't follow simple instructions.
(Hardison struggles, but can’t get away)
Hardison: Okay. They're outside in the gray van.
(Markland lets Hardison go and he gasps for air)
Casten: Good man.
Hardison: Was all that necessary, man? I got asthmatic tendencies.
(Markland, Casten and other guards lead Hardison outside. A woman bumps into Casten as a crowd passes)
Casten: I don't see a van. You have five seconds to tell me what's really going on here.
Hardison: Do I? Really? Okay.
(Markland’s phone rings, he pulls it out and looks at it)
Hardison (to Casten): You're a little strong-arm, ain't you? I blogged your website about that. The Lillian Foods website.
Markland: Did you pocket-Dial me?
Casten: What? (realizes his phone is missing) Give me that! (into phone) Who the hell is this?
Nate (across the square): The secret of magic is misdirection, Mr. Casten.
Casten: The magician? What are you doing on my phone?
Nate: Misdirection. So you went after the incriminating report.
Casten: And I deleted it. Every copy.
Nate: Absolutely. But you know, I don't think all that security is in place just to protect those reports. Do you? I mean, uh... What’s really valuable on those servers? Hmm.
Hardison: We're too late. They're all gone. Casten deleted all copies of the report.
Nate: Do you have access to the company's food patents?
Hardison: Yes. Yes, I do. (Hardison copies the patents)
Nate: Yes, I had my assistant download them.
Casten: Magician, thief, whatever. We have your man and his hard drive. You never got the patents out of the building.
Nate: No, no, no. You got those patents out of the building. All we had to do was pick up your phone.
(Markland, Casten and a guard escort Hardison out of the building. Parker bumps into Casten as a crowd passes, taking his phone)
Nate: Now, these patents represent hundreds of millions of dollars of your company's present and future earnings. They're on your cell phone, downloaded the day you were alone in the server room.
Hardison: See, I can use the server to access his phone.
Eliot: You can do that?
(in the server room, Casten’s phone is copying files)
Hardison: Oh, you'd be surprised what I can do.
Nate: I wouldn't want to be caught in that act. Would you? Huh, Mr. Casten?
Casten: What do you want?
Nate: Well, first, I'd like you to let my friend go.
(Casten gestures to the guard, who lets Hardison go)
Nate: Next, you'll pull the entire frozen-foods line from the market.
Casten: You have to be kidding me! Do you understand how much that'll cost the company?
Nate: Yes, well, we're sending a specialist to help with the recall.
(Jameson walks out of the building with Price right behind her)
Jameson: You'll also issue a formal apology. Along with your letter of resignation.
Price: You know what?
Nate: They had me in a box! Get him upstairs! Clear out his office right now! Now, why don't we give the lady a nice round of applause?
(Nate tosses Parker the phone and they walk across the square)
(Hardison is demonstrating card tricks to Parker)
Hardison: And your queen should be... (holds up a seven of clubs) this right here.
(Parker holds up her queen)
Parker: Stole it.
Hardison: Y-you can't do that.
Eliot: I'm finishing off the kung pao.
Nate (working on monitors): Okay, yeah, I got three possible clients to research! Just want to finish.
Sophie: I've got an idea. Listen, why don't you give Dr. Jameson a ring?
Nate: I'm working. Working over here.
(the team exchanges worried looks behind Nate’s back)
Hardison (to Parker): Put it in. (Parker puts her card in the deck) All right. I'm not even looking. (starts turning over cards)
Eliot: What? He's fine. We practically had to beg him to come back, all right? He's not drinking. He's at the top of his game. I got to be honest with you. I can't even believe we pulled this one off.
Sophie: Well, that's the problem. He keeps winning. And every time he wins, he believes a little bit more that he can control... life.
Eliot: It's what gets him through the day.
Sophie: What happens when he loses? The first time he lost, it broke him. He breaks again, I don't think even we could pick up the pieces.
(Nate continues to go through information on the monitors