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Leverage Main | When Darkness Falls

3x11 The Rashomon Job

[McRory’s Bar]

(Sophie, Eliot and Hardison arguing at bar)

Sophie: There was no way that either of you were within 100 miles of that place! You were tapping away on a computer somewhere. You were in a cave in Afghanistan, probably. You guys came up with this idea together?

Nate: Hey, hey, hey, hey! What... what... what's going on?

Eliot: ...been to Boston, man.

Nate (to bartender): We'll close. (to team) What is this? I thought we were supposed to be, uh, finding Moreau.

Sophie: This is more important.

Nate: More important? We don't find Moreau, I might go back to prison forever.

Sophie: Oh, shush. You did fine in prison the first time.

Eliot: You got into shape.

Sophie: Yeah, you look good in a jumpsuit.

Hardison: Learned how to hypnotize people.

Sophie: We're talking about the dagger of Aqu'Abi.

Nate: Oh.

Sophie (turns on TV): The dagger of Aqu'Abi, 10th century, four perfect emeralds, six rubies, gold filigree.

Hardison: It was a gift from a shah of Persia to a sultan.

Eliot: Two dead guys. Whatever.

Nate: And why are we...

Sophie: shh, shh, shh, shh! (turns up volume) That's why.

Newscaster (on screen): The dagger of Aqu'Abi is on display here at the Boston Museum of Art and Antiquities for the first time since it was stolen from this very gallery five years ago.

Sophie (pauses video): That. Stolen. Five years ago. I stole it!

Hardison: I stole it!

Eliot: I stole it!

[McRory’s Bar]

Nate: O-okay, okay, okay, okay. The dagger of Aqu'Abi? On display at the Boston Museum of Art and Antiquities? Stolen five years ago? You were all there that night?

Hardison: Didn't realize it till just now when the show came on.

Sophie: And when I started telling them about one of my finest jobs ever...

Eliot: Yeah, but I know she's lying.

Hardison: She's a grifter. It's her job.

Parker: Wait, I'm confused. Now she's lying about lying?

Sophie: No, no, no. Wait, I've got an idea. We let Nate decide. We tell him what happened that night, and he decides who the real criminal is.

Eliot: Fine by me.

Nate: Well, I mean, you're all criminals. Me, I got no choice.

Sophie: You understand, it was the perfect plan. I ran a long con for the entire four months of the exhibit. Two... not one... but two separate identities.


(five years ago)

[Boston Museum of Art and Antiquities]

Sophie (walking up stairs): First, the duchess of Barrington-Highsworth. As the duchess, I donated art to the exhibit so my pieces would be mixed in with the dagger.

Nate (appearing next to her): Where'd you get the art?

Sophie: Oh, bits and bobs I nicked over the years.

[Museum Gallery]

Sophie: I made quite an entrance, I have to say.

Gladstone: You're here! She's here! Ladies and gentlemen, the duchess Alexia of Barrington-Highsworth.

(crowd cheers)

Gladstone: Thank you for donating such wonderful pieces from your collection.

Sophie: Oh, you're too kind, Mr. Gladstone. But, really, it's nothing compared to the magnificent beauty of your dagger.

Nate (appearing behind her): Now, who's this?

Sophie: Edgar Gladstone. Financier. Filthy rich. Owns the dagger. Bit of a crush on me, of course.

Nate: Yeah.

(Coswell joins Gladstone)

Sophie: Problem is, that's when Coswell decided to show up.

Nate: Coswell?

Sophie: Museum head of security. Very clever. Have to dodge him. You'll see why in a bit. Now, shoo.

Gladstone: Duchess, do you mind if I speak with Mr. Coswell? I want to make sure security is locked down tight.

Sophie: Is there cause for alarm?

Gladstone: I've had three pieces of art stolen from me in the past year. It's the last night of the exhibit. I want to make sure they don't cut any corners.

Sophie: Of course.

(Gladstone and Coswell walk away)

Sophie: Gladstone's little chat with Coswell gave me a chance… (taking glass of wine from tray) Ooh. Thank you. -- to look for someone. (puts something in glass, then to approaching waitress) Miss? Excuse me. Please, could you send this over to minister Bioko with my compliments?

(Waitress moves off to give Bioko the glass of wine)

Sophie: Robert Bioko.

Nate: Zimbabwe art minister. Yes, I've dealt with him. Quite nasty.

Sophie: By reputation, a blood-diamond dealer, embezzler, and more importantly, very allergic to shrimp.

(Bioko slaps the waitress on the butt. Sophie moves through the crowd when a man collides with her.)

Sophie: Oh!

Dr Abernathy: Oh! Pardon me, ma'am. Gosh. Did... did I get some on your dress?

Sophie: Uh, not at all. No.

Dr Abernathy: Dr. Wes Abernathy.

Sophie: Doctor. What's your PhD in?

Dr Abernathy: I'm a surgeon, actually. I, uh, I fundraise for the museum. After a long day of saving lives, I like to, (looks lingeringly at Sophie) I like to appreciate beauty.

Sophie: You're very forward, Dr. Abernathy.

(lights flicker)

Dr Abernathy: What was that?

Sophie: Just a little power surge.

Man: Help! He's choking! Hey! Somebody help!

(Gladstone, Sophie and Dr Abernathy walk toward Bioko, who is choking and has fallen to the floor)

Sophie: Oh, dear. (sniffing appetizers) There's shrimp in this. Are you allergic to shrimp? (picks Gladstone’s pocket for access card)

Bioko: I am allergic to shrimp!

Dr Abernathy: Okay, everybody stand back! I'm a doctor! His throat's closing up! I need a knife! Somebody give me a knife! (takes knife from waitress) Thank you. Don't worry, my friend. Death will not claim you this day. Come on! Live! Come on! Live!

[Basement Storage Room]

(Sophie enters a storage room, takes a bag from a barrel, pulls out clothing, and begins to change)

Sophie: I needed Gladstone's key card to get access to the shipping and storage area. Gladstone has 24-hour access. My other identity…

(Nate unzips her dress)

Sophie: …does not. Shoo.

(Nate disappears)

[Museum Shipping Department]

(Sophie walks in wearing different clothing and glasses, her hair pulled back)

Sophie: Dr. Karen Ipcress from the Restoration Department.

(Security guard uses voice identification to verify her identity)

Sophie: Hey, I've been bringing you coffee and doughnuts for four months now. You still have to do that?

Security: Sorry, doc. Got to check everyone tonight. You don't usually work nights.

Sophie: (picks up files) Oh, when the exhibit closes, we have to process 200 items to be shipped out to 63 museums and private owners. They asked me to help out.

Coswell (entering room): Dr. Ipcress. You don't work nights.

Sophie: Oh, hi, Mr. Coswell. I didn't expect you down here so early.

Coswell: The gallery's closed because of a medical emergency. So, we have to process the exhibits right now. My men will scan the artifacts, tag them, green to be returned to their owners, red to stay here in the vault until collected. Green items will then be packed according to their lot numbers, shipped out to the proper owners by armored car. No unauthorized personnel in, or out. I wanted to talk to you. How long have you been working here?

Sophie: Uh, four months.

Coswell: I saw my first duchess upstairs. She... You look... I'll be right back.

(Sophie switches shipping information in the file to that of her own estate and exits room.)

[Basement Hall]

(Sophie sees Coswell coming downstairs with package and hides around a corner as he enters the Shipping Department.)

Coswell: Did she say where she was going?

Security: No, sir.

Coswell: Today is too important. We are not letting her slip through our fingers! (to guard in hall) You!

Security #2: Yes, Mr. Coswell.

Coswell: Have you seen Dr. Ipcress?

Security #2: No, sir.

Coswell: Call me as soon as you find her!

Security #2: Yes, sir. (runs down hall)

(Coswell goes back upstairs. Sophie runs away down the hall)

[McRory’s Bar]

Sophie: Brilliant, isn't it?

Nate: Ahh... Well, you... you didn't steal the dagger.

Sophie: The museum stole the dagger for me.

[Museum Shipping Department]

(shows process of cataloging and shipping items)

Sophie (voice over): You see, first, every item is catalogued…

(worker identifies dagger and places it in a case, then in a crate)

Sophie: …and Gladstone's dagger is placed into one of the crates containing my personal collection.

(another worker puts a shipping label on the crate and places it into a larger crate)

[McRory’s Bar]

Sophie: Then the crate is shipped directly to the safe house in London...

[Museum Shipping Department]

(crate is slid across floor)

Shipping Clerk: Lot 21 to London on British air, leaving in an hour.

[Storage Facility, London]

Sophie: ...all under armed guard provided by...

(workers unload the crate from a truck and place it in a storage area)

Sophie: The museum.

(Sophie opens the crate, takes out the dagger, and kisses it)

[McRory’s Bar]

Eliot: Yeah, that's a good plan.

Sophie: Yes. It was the perfect plan. Except...

[Storage Facility, London]

(Sophie opens the crate and digs through packing)

Sophie: No!

[McRory’s Bar]

Sophie: ...the dagger wasn't in the shipment.

(Eliot shudders dramatically)

Sophie: So, yes, wait... I did steal the dagger. I just didn't get to keep it.

Eliot: I think I can explain it. (downs his drink, pulls his hair back and holds two shot glasses up to his eyes) Pardon me, ma'am. Did I get that on your dress?

Sophie: No.

Eliot: Yep.

Sophie: No!

[McRory’s Bar]

(Eliot bumps into Sophie, spilling his drink)

Eliot: Oh! Pardon me, ma'am. Did I get any on your dress?

Sophie: Not at all.

Eliot: All right. I'm Dr. Wes Abernathy.

Sophie: Hmm.

Eliot: Pleased to meet you.

[McRory’s Bar]

Eliot: Now, let me tell you how I stole the Aqu'Abi dagger. (walks away)

(team sits at a table)

Nate: A dagger doesn't really seem your style.

Eliot: Yeah. Well, it was actually more of a favor.


(five years ago)


(hallway lined with boxes, Eliot knocks first thug down the hall)

Second Thug: Come on.

(Eliot turns to face second thug who is holding a knife)

Eliot: Yeah. Come on.

(Eliot knocks second thug back, turns to first thug, grapples him, second man throws a knife that hits the first one, Eliot throws another knife and hits second thug in leg, then knees him in the face to knock him out. Eliot returns to the first thug pulls him up and pushes him against the wall, preparing to punch him. The first thug’s phone rings, Eliot pulls it from his jacket.)

Eliot: Hello, Gutman.

Gutman: Spencer.

[Gutman’s Office]

Gutman: I figured you'd be the one to pick up.


Eliot: Why are you sending second-rate thugs to try and kill me?

(first thug moans and whimpers)

Eliot (to thug): If I'm not honest with you, you can't improve.

[Gutman’s Office]

Gutman: You let me down. You didn't deliver the sapphire monkey.


Eliot: You didn't tell me it was in North Korea.

Gutman: Tell you what... I'll make it up in trade.

Eliot (to opponent): Shh.

[Gutman’s Office]

Gutman: A client of mine, for whom I move rare merchandise, has asked me to arrange a retrieval. A dagger.


Eliot: Where?

Gutman: It's in Boston. Tonight.

[Gutman’s Office]

Gutman: That's why I'm asking. I'll text you the details. Get me the dagger and we're even. Say no… I'll keep sending men until one gets lucky.


(Eliot hangs up phone and leans close to thug)

Eliot: You know I got to?

(thug nods, Eliot knocks him out)

[Interior Car, Boston Museum]

(Doctor pulls into parking space and puts car in park)

Eliot (gets into back seat): Don't talk.

Doctor: What?

Eliot: Don't talk. I know it's your first instinct to talk, but don't. Your best course of action is to nod.

Doctor: Wh...

Eliot: Nod. (Doctor nods) Good. I'm gonna need a couple things from you. I need your clothes, and I need your little invite to this party. Now this can go two ways; you can give them to me, and I can stuff you in the trunk of this car, which, by the way, looks pretty comfortable. Not a bad night. Or you can not give them to me... (Eliot’s face hardens) and I can do exactly what you'd expect a crazy guy in your back seat to do to you.

(Doctor hands Eliot his keys)

Eliot: That's the right choice. I'm gonna need your glasses.

[Museum Gallery]

Nate: So what was your way in?

Eliot: The exhibit's closing. That means all this is being shipped out. Weakest spot of any transport is when the object's transferred to the vehicle. I need to get downstairs. Excuse me. (taking drink from tray) Thank you.

(Eliot bumps into Sophie and spills his drink)

Sophie: Oh!

Eliot: Sorry.

Sophie: 'Allo, 'allo. What's all this, then?

Eliot: Dr. Abernathy.

Sophie: Cor blimey. You're a bit of all right, ain't ya? Buy us a drink, will ya?

Eliot: Drinks are free.

[McRory’s Bar]

Sophie: Wait, wait. What's that voice? That's horrib... What is that?

Eliot: It's your accent.

Sophie: That's what I sound like to you? Right. Okay, fine. I want to go back and change my story.

[Museum Gallery]

(Eliot guzzling a beer bumps into Sophie)

Sophie: Oh!

Eliot: Pardon me, there, Missy! Ain't you as pretty as a little filly in the moonlight? (puts pipe in his mouth) Doc Abernathy here.

[McRory’s Bar]

Eliot: Wait, wait, wait. What... wait. What was that? That's ridiculous.

(Hardison laughs)

Eliot (to Hardison): Shut up. (to Sophie) Sophie, you told your story. It's my turn to tell mine, okay?

Sophie: Well, it's not fair.

[Museum Gallery]

Sophie: Drinks is free? Bleedin' hell, that makes me a cheap date, didn't it?

(lights flicker)

Eliot: What was that?

Sophie: You saw that too? That’s lucky (pats Eliot’s face) I thought I was passing out. (walks away)

Bioko (choking): I-I do not feel well.

Man: He's choking! Hey! Somebody help!

(Gladstone, Sophie and Eliot approach Bioko, who has fallen to the floor)

Sophie: Ooh. (sniffing appetizers) Cor blimey, gov'nor! That there's loaded with sea roaches! (tosses appetizer over her shoulder) That's British for "shrimp." We have a different word for a lot of things. It's a bit stupid, innit?

Bioko: I am allergic to shrimp.

Sophie: Oh, dear. That's all right. (pushes Eliot forward) He's a bleedin' doctor.

Eliot: Oh, I... I'm not...

Bioko: My throat!

Eliot (kneels next to Bioko): Uh...Okay. Here. Come here. (to waitress) Do you have a corkscrew? And pull the blade out. Pull the blade out of the corkscrew. (to Bioko) I'm gonna need you to calm down, sir.

Bioko: Wait, wait, wait!

Eliot: I'm gonna have to do this real quick. Just calm down, okay? All right, duchess, I need...

(Sophie is gone. Bioko pulls a pill container from his pocket)

Eliot: …pills.

Bioko: Pills.

Eliot: Oh. Yeah. That's better, buddy. Put that in your mouth. (to Coswell) I need to get this man to a comfortable place. Do you have an office I can use?

Gladstone: We have a first-aid station right on this floor.

Eliot: Perfect. Come with me, sir. Get up.

(Eliot pulls Bioko to his feet, they follow Coswell)

Gladstone: (looking for security badge) Where the devil did I...

(Gladstone looks for his badge, but can’t find it. Coswell comes out of doorway and Eliot helps Bioko through the door)

Coswell: What's going on?

Gladstone: Medical emergency. Listen, perhaps we should close down the exhibit. Everyone's very upset.

Eliot (pokes his head back out of the door): You just stay here. I'm a doctor. (closes door)

Gladstone: That doesn't make sense.

[First Aid Station]

(Eliot settles Bioko down on a bed)

Eliot: All right. There you go. All right? Okay.

Bioko (grabs Eliot’s arm): Thank you. You are a lifesaver.

Eliot (pulls away) : Yeah. You got it, man. No problem.

Bioko: I am in your debt.

Eliot: All right. (walks away)

Bioko: I am... I am in your debt.

Eliot: Stay there.

Bioko: I am in your debt!

Eliot: You got it.

[Basement Hall]

(Eliot enters and hears Coswell and Sophie in the Shipping Room)

Coswell: I wanted to talk to you.

Sophie: Oh.

Coswell: How long have you been working here?

Sophie: Four months.

Coswell: I saw my first duchess upstairs. She... You look... I'll be right back.

(Coswell leaves, Eliot watches him from around the corner. A guard comes down hall, Eliot jumps him, they struggle, Eliot grabs him in a choke hold and tries to open door, eventually opening it and pushing the guard through, delivering a final punch. He takes off his glasses and enters storage room)

[Basement Hall]

(Coswell and comes downstairs with a case and enters the Shipping Room. Eliot exits storage room wearing the guard’s clothing.)

Coswell: Did she say where she was going?

Security: No, sir.

Coswell: Today is too important. We are not letting her slip through our fingers!

(Coswell exits shipping room with case in hand and approaches Eliot)

Coswell: You! Have you seen Dr. Ipcress?

Eliot: Who?

Coswell: Ipcress! Weird eyes, funny hair. Hmm? You sure you haven't seen her?

Eliot: No.

Coswell: Go! Call me as soon as you find her.

(Eliot runs away down the hall)

[Museum Shipping Department]

(crate is slid across floor)

Shipping Clerk: Lot 21 to London on British air, leaving in an hour.

(Eliot puts top on crate)

Eliot: This one goes on my truck.

[Interior Truck]

(door closes and Eliot walks around the crate. He pries it open and digs through the packaging, tossing a vase over his shoulder, which shatters. He looks at the manifest, then opens a smaller crate and takes out a case.

[McRory’s Bar]

Sophie: You stole it! You stole it from me!

Eliot: Yes, I did.

Nate: Well, technically, you didn't have it.

Sophie: It was en route. That's like stealing my mail.

Parker: What, is stealing mail a crime?

(team gives her a look)

Parker: Oop.

Sophie: Your little smash-and-grab ruined my perfect plan.

Eliot: Well, whatever it takes to get the job done, babe.

Hardison: Well, you didn't exactly get the job "done," did you?

[Interior Truck]

(Eliot opens case to find a mug inside)

[McRory’s Bar]

Parker: So, you didn't get it? Well, what happened to the guys who you owed money to?

Eliot: Well, Gutman had a lot of enemies. They rolled him on some kind of racketeering thing a couple of weeks later and took the heat off me. Pretty much forgot about that till tonight.

Sophie: So, I-I steal the dagger from the museum, you steal the dagger from my truck. Well, then who...

(Hardison laughs and stands up)

Nate: Uh, Hardison, is there something you want to share with the class?

(Hardison winks)

Parker: Okay, Sophie has it first. (using shell game to illustrate) Then Eliot has it. Or does Eliot have it? Sophie never had it. And then we have Hardison.

Nate: I don't buy it. Doesn't seem like your kind of crime.

Hardison: No, not typically. But the museum installed a Tanuki security system straight from Japan.

Nate: Tanuki. Not bad. Tough system.

Hardison: Yeah. It's got a sick encryption system that protects both the database and the alarm. Now, five years ago, whoever cracked that first was gonna be like a hacker legend, man. But to prove I did it, I was gonna need a trophy first.

(hits bulls eye with dart)


(five years ago)

[Museum Gallery]

Hardison: Now, remember, WI-Fi networks weren't as common back in the day. So I had to get in the building somehow. So I just hacked the museum's e-mail and grabbed the invite of some random dignitary.

Security: Name, sir?

Hardison: Yes, I am Minister Robert Bioko.

Security: Thank you.

Nate: Okay. Now what?

(Hardison pulls out cell phone, begins typing)

Nate: W-what's that?

Hardison: Oh, this? I'm telling my computer at my Nana's hou... my... my... my... my house.

Nate: Your... your what? Your house. Mm-hmm.

Hardison: My house... to, uh, execute a brute-force attack against the Tanuki's firewall. See, that'll soften it up so when I get physical access, not so tough. But until then, I does what I do. Hey, come here, girl.

(Hardison follows girl upstairs)

Hardison: Uh, uh, you want to come to my... Well, I live with my Nana, but we can go to your spot, though. Unh. Shake it one time, baby. (flirts and dances with girls) How you doing, girl? Watch out now! (throws flowers at girls) My dear, to you. To you.

Woman: Thank you.

Hardison: Thank you.

(Hardison sees Eliot and Sophie dancing erotically across the room, pulls phone and takes pictures)

(lights flicker)

Hardison: Power surge. That's the Tanuki system resetting. It means my backdoor's in place.

Nate: But you still have to get access to the mainframe. You can't do that from out here.

(Hardison fakes choking)

Coswell: Minister, are you all right?

Hardison: I feel faint. (bends over, clutching chest) Oh, do you have a-a first-aid room or a back office?

Coswell: Y-yes, yes, yes. Through that door.

Hardison: Oh, I do not feel well.

Sophie: Ach! There's shrimp in this!

[McRory’s Bar]

Sophie: You really can't tell? Americans! Every accent sounds the same to you.

Hardison: I-I just...

Sophie: I'm sorry. Go on. I... I sound like one of the dwarves in "Lord of the Rings," but please continue.

[Museum Gallery]

Sophie: Ach! There's shrimp in this. You're allergic to shrimp!

Hardison: I'm allergic to shrimp? I...

Eliot: I got it. (grabs Hardison) Come here, buddy. Hey, hand me that knife. (waitress hands him a large knife) I'm gonna have to cut you, man.

Hardison (struggling): What the hell? No, no, my pills!

Eliot: I'm a doctor, man. Don't worry about it.

Hardison: My pills, my pills, my pills.

Eliot: Don't worry. I got you.

Hardison (takes a pill): Oh. I'm good. I can breathe.

Eliot: Let's get you somewhere quiet, man, where there's no witnesses.

[McRory’s Bar]

Eliot: Wait a minute. Those weren't pills?

Hardison: No, man, they were breath mints. You were about to slice a hole in my throat. I had to think of something.

Eliot: That explains it.

[First Aid Station]

(Eliot settles Hardison down on a bed)

Eliot: Just take it easy. Just lay down there.

Hardison: Thank you.

Eliot: You smell peppermint? I smell peppermint.

Hardison: Are you sure?

Eliot: Yeah. (pulls out large knife) It's a very distinctive smell. I'm gonna go sharpen this knife, maybe walk around the halls in the dark. Don't leave.

Hardison: Okay.

Eliot: Yeah. (leaves)

(Hardison gets up and goes over to computer terminal, plugging in a flash drive)

Hardison: Okay. See, right now, I'm punching a hole in the museum database. And now into the shipping information. (pulls up pic of knife) See, there. There. Right there. There's the dagger of Aqu'Abi.

Nate: So you're gonna change the shipping address, like Sophie.

Hardison: No. I'm gonna make sure it never leaves the museum.

[Shipping Department]

(Clerk scans bar code on knife, display changes to ‘store in vault’.)

Clerk: Vault

(Clerk walks across room and places knife in vault)

[First Aid Station]

(Hardison pulls flash drive)

Hardison: Good. Now I just have to wait for them to get done with the inventory and go pick up my dagger. (leaves room)

Nate: Impressive.

[Basement Hall]

Security guard closes the Shipping Department door and locks it with an access card, then walks away. Hardison walks over and uses electronic equipment to begin unlocking the door)

Hardison: Too slow.

Coswell: What are you doing there?

Hardison (moves away from the door): I-I-I'm patrolling, sir.

Coswell (showing a picture of Sophie): You recognize her?

Hardison: Uh, no. No, I do not, sir.

Coswell (angry): This was a screwup. This is why I am who I am. I live this job. It is the only thing I care about. We are gonna fix this.

Hardison: "Absotively, posilutely," sir.

(Shipping Department door opens)

Coswell: What was that?

(door behind Coswell opens to reveal security guard in his underware)

Coswell: Holy... call for backup! (runs to guard) Hey, hey! You all right? You okay?

(Hardison pushes both men into the storage room)

Coswell: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Let me out! Let me out of here! Hey!

(Hardison locks the door and raises the radio he grabbed from Coswell in victory)

Coswell: What are you doing?! Where are you going?! Hey! Let me out!

(Hardison returns to the Shipping Department door and enters)

[Museum Shipping Department]

(Hardison walks over to the vaults and uses keys to unlock the vault door to reveal the dagger.)

[McRory’s Bar]

Sophie: I don't believe it.

Hardison: I beat you. And I beat you, too. And nothing else matters.

Nate: Why does nothing else matter?

Hardison: It doesn't. It just... it just doesn't...

Nate: "Nothing else matters." What else doesn't matter?

Hardison: You're just real inquisitive, aren't you? Just asking questions... Bunch of questions. All right.

[Museum Shipping Department]

(Hardison opens the vault door to reveal that it is empty)

[McRory’s Bar]

Sophie: Ha!

Eliot: I knew it.

Hardison: Hey! Still beat you! Nothing else matters! And you two, y'all... y'all were nasty. I remember that.

Eliot: Uh, what are you... this... he's lying, man, because... look, somebody took the dagger out of the museum that night.

Nate: Well. All right. (using shell game to illustrate) Now, Sophie didn't have the dagger. Eliot didn't have the dagger. Hardison didn't have the dagger.

Hardison: Still beat you.

(Nate looks at Parker and taps her hand to reveal shell)

Parker: Yeah. What?! I'm a thief!


(five years ago)

[Museum Gallery]

(Parker crossing room with tray and empty glasses)

Nate: Okay, so what's your way in?

Parker: Shh! This is my favorite bit, the first few seconds. My gear's under the refreshments table next to the ventilation shaft. I wait until there's a distraction. Then I get downstairs. Then I wait for the dagger to be exposed and make my move.

(Parker places empty glasses on table. Hardison walks up and picks up appetizers)

Hardison: Excuse me, are these free? (filling pockets with food. To woman) You want one of them squishy things? All right. Suit yourself.

(Parker walks past Sophie, who catches her attention)

Sophie: (unintelligible muttering as she places a glass of wine on Parker’s tray and gestures toward Hardison) ...my dingaling.

[McRory’s Bar]

Sophie: I hate you all.

[Museum Gallery]

(Parker offers drink to Hardison)

Parker: Here you go. Free booze.

Hardison: Thanks.

(Parker pauses in front of a display case)

Coswell: Miss? Miss?

(Parker walks over to Coswell)

Coswell: Aren't you supposed to have drinks on a tray? What if I wanted, oh, say a drink. This is a very important day.

Parker: I-I...

Coswell: You should probably go back and get some more refreshments for the guests, miss, uh... (looks for name tag) I'm sorry. Where's your name tag?

Parker: On the refreshment table by the refreshments, where I'm going now. (walks away)

(lights flicker)

Parker: Huh. Somebody just punched a hole in the security system.

Hardison (choking): Uh! Yes, I'm... yes, I'm allergic to shrimp.

Sophie: (muttering unintelligibly while holding an appetizer)

Hardison: Yes, yes, I’m allergic to shrimp.

Parker: Oh, you said "shrimp." That didn't sound like "shrimp."

(Sophie tosses the appetizer and walks away)

Parker: I think his throat's closing up!

(Eliot kneels near Hardison’s head)

Parker: You're gonna have to open his airway! (hands Eliot a large knife)

Hardison: Mnh-mnh. No, no, no!

Eliot: I got to open the airway.

Hardison: Mnh-mnh. I can breathe! I can breathe! It's a miracle!

(Parker ducks away under a table)

Hardison: I got this. I got this.

[Storage Room]

(Parker pushes out grate and enters the room with her bag. She tries to open the door, but something is blocking the way.)

Parker: Are you kidding me?!

(She pulls a blue print from her pocket and looks at it.)

Parker: Okay, plan "b."

(Parker reenters air duct)

[Interior Air Ducts]

(Parker comes out under table in the shipping department)

Coswell: Have you seen Dr. Ipcress?

Security: I don't know, Mr. Coswell. She just took off.

Coswell: What do you mean, "she just took off"? Did she say where she was going?

Security: No, sir.

Coswell: Today is too important. We are not letting her slip through our fingers.

(Coswell grabs a gun and knocks a cup from the table as he walks away. Beneath the table, Parker grabs the cup before it can hit the floor. Clerk scans the knife and checks the destination on his scanner.)

Clerk: Vault.

(Clerk walks across the room with the knife. Parker checks the case and finds it empty, watches the clerk put the knife in the vault. Parker puts the cup in the case. Clerk puts the case in a crate and affixes label, then another clerk takes the crate away. Coswell leaves the room, and Parker crosses to vaults, opening one and taking out the knife. She plays with it for a moment before skipping across the room and exiting)

[Basement Hallway]

Coswell: Call for backup! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

(Parker moves down the hall)

[Interior Ducts]

(Parker crawls through a vertical duct until she finds a horizontal shaft, pushing her bag in front of her)

Parker: Roof, here I come.

(she opens bag to find Sophie’s pink dress)

Parker: What the what?

(she begins to climb the horizontal duct with the knife stuck in her belt until she comes across Coswell, crawling through another horizontal duct. He grabs her shirt.)

Coswell: Nice try.

Parker (punches Coswell): Ah!

(Coswell grabs at her again but she looses her grip and falls a bit. The knife slips form her belt and falls downward, clanging)

Parker: Ohh!

[McRory’s Bar]

Eliot: No.

Parker: That's what happened.

Sophie: I told you. That Coswell guy, he's smart. He could be even smarter than Nate.

Hardison: No, no, because, see, the dagger was still reported stolen. Somebody got up out of there with Aqu'Abi.

Sophie: Well, that means that one of us is lying.

Hardison: So says the liar.

Eliot: You.

Sophie: Excuse me?

Hardison: Where there's smoke, there's fire.

(team argues, talking over each other)

Parker: Nate?

Nate: I think you're all forgetting to ask yourself the one central, crucial question. (walks over to the bar to pour himself a drink)

Eliot: What?

Nate: Well, the question is, who was the insurance company for the dagger of Aqu'Abi?

Sophie: No.

Eliot: You got to be kidding.

Hardison: Come on, man.

Nate: Why don't you come over and let me tell you what really happened?

(Team sitting at table once more)

Nate: I'll admit it. I didn't quite have all of it. I mean not until this very second. But now I can finally tell you what exactly happened the night the dagger of Aqu'Abi was stolen.


(five years ago)

[Museum Gallery]

Coswell: I have to say, our security is pretty great.

(Sophie walks up the stairs, followed by Nate and Coswell)

Nate: Yeah. I don't doubt that, Mr. Coswell, but Edgar Gladstone has had three items stolen just in the last year. Now, I.Y.S. is not gonna pay on that dagger.

Coswell: Gladstone's inside. You want me to introduce you?

Nate: No, no. I'm gonna be going to the security office. (walks away)

Coswell: Okay, meet you there. Swell, uh...Meeting you there, Mr. Ford.

Sophie: Ah. (takes glass from tray, injects something into it) Oh, miss. Excuse me. (hands Parker the glass) Please, could you send this over to minister Bioko with my compliments?

Parker: Whatever. (walks away)

Coswell: That duchess sure is pretty.

Nate: Could we focus on business, please, Coswell?

Coswell: Sorry.

Eliot (taking drink from Parker): Oh. Thank you very much. (spits out drink)

Sophie: Oh!

Eliot: I'm sorry. Excuse me. Are you all right? It just tastes funny. I'm doc Abernathy.

Sophie: Oh.

Coswell (to Parker): Miss. Miss, Miss! Should I have a drink? I am on duty. Ah, what's wrong with wanting a drink? Very special day or, uh, night.

Parker: I...

Coswell: Would you mind just giving me a ehhh glass just to get my courage up, miss, uh... (looks for name tag) Oh, no, I'm sorry! I-I... where's your name tag?

Parker: On the refreshment table by the refreshments, where I'm going now. (walks away)

(Sophie bends over Hardison who is lying on the floor with Eliot kneeling at his head)

Sophie: You're allergic to shrimp?

Hardison: Yeah, yeah. I'm allergic to shrimp.

Eliot: His throat closes, he's gonna die.

(Parker hands Eliot a large knife)

Hardison: Hey, hey.

Eliot: I'm gonna have to cut you.

Hardison: Hey, hey.

[Storage Room]

(Sophie, dressed as Dr. Ipcress, tosses a bag on the floor)

[Shipping Department]

Coswell (entering room): Hey, Dr. Ipcress! What a pleasant surprise! You don't, uh, work nights. Although, you're so diligent, of course I expected you to be here.

Sophie: Oh, hi, Mr. Coswell. I didn't expect to see you down here so early. (looking through file)

Coswell: Eh, gallery's closed 'cause of a medical emergency. Oh, dear. Um... So we have to process the exhibits right now. Uh...Dr. Ipcress, I was wondering if we could talk.

Sophie: Hmm? Oh, of course.

Coswell: Um, while we've been working together... How long have you been working here?

Sophie: Oh, uh, four months.

Coswell: Uh, w-what I mean to say I... There's all these fancy people upstairs. I just saw a duchess, and she... you look way better. I'll be right back. (walks away) Stupid! Stupid!

(Sophie switches the shipping label in the file)

[Basement Hallway]

Coswell: Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

(Eliot ducks around corner to avoid Coswell. A guard hesitates in the doorway to the shipping department, and Eliot tackles him, they struggle against the door that Parker is trying to open)

[Storage Room]

Parker: Okay, plan "B." (disappears into the duct work taking the wrong bag)

[Basement Hallway]

(Sophie tries to go up the stairs only to reverse when she sees Coswell coming down with a package.)

[Shipping Department]

(Parker hiding under the table)

Security: I don't know, Mr. Coswell. She just took off.

Coswell: What do you mean, "she just took off"? Did she say where she was going?

Security: No, sir.

Coswell: Today is too important! This is the last day she's gonna be working here. It's not your fault. I am not gonna let this girl slip through my fingers!

(Coswell grabs the package and knocks a cup from the table as he walks away. Beneath the table, Parker grabs the cup before it can hit the floor. Parker puts the cup in the case. Clerk puts the case in a crate and affixes label, then another clerk takes the crate away.)

[Basement Hallway]

(Eliot exits storage room wearing the guard’s clothing. Coswell exits shipping room with case in hand and approaches Eliot)

Coswell: Oh, hi...You. Have you seen Dr. Ipcress?

Eliot: Who?

Coswell: Ipcress? Pretty eyes, funny little ponytail in her hair?

Eliot: No.

Coswell: You sure you haven't seen her? Okay, go. Uh, call me as soon as you find her!

Eliot: Okay.

(Eliot runs down hall, passing Sophie, who runs the other way)

[Museum Gallery]

(Nate picks up an appetizer and looks at it)

Nate: Coswell, what was that, uh, food poisoning? Kind of a weird coincidence... Last night of the exhibit.

Coswell (holding package): Huh. Uh... Okay, well, I'll go check that out. Mr. Ford, do you have a wife?

Nate: Yeah.

Coswell (puts box on table): Seems a shame to let these go to waste.

(Nate opens the box to reveal a dozen roses.

[Basement Hallway]

(Coswell approaches Hardison, who is near the Shipping Department door)

Coswell: Oh, hi. What are you doing, working late?

Hardison (moves away from the door): I-I-I'm patrolling, sir.

Coswell (showing a picture of Sophie): You recognize her?

Hardison: No, sir, I don't. No.

Coswell (upset): I screwed up. I let her get away. This is why I am who I am. I live for this job! It's the only thing I have in my life to care about, and I thought, "you know, boy, it's time to fix this!" Right, right.

Hardison: You need a tissue?

(Shipping Department door opens)

Coswell: What was that?

(door behind Coswell opens to reveal security guard in his underware)

Coswell: Holy... call for backup! (runs to guard) Hey. You okay, buddy? You all right?

(Hardison pushes both men into the storage room)

Coswell: Hey! Uh, uh, hey! Hey!

(Hardison locks the door)

Coswell: Hey! Hey!

[Storage Room]

Coswell: Hey, don't worry, buddy. I'll get us out of here. This yours? (opens bag, pulls out rope) Wow. We have some really well-stocked supply closets here. I'm gonna have to write a nice note to the janitorial staff. Uh... (picks up rope) Okay, I'm, uh... (climbs into duct) Oh, boy.

[Interior Ducts]

(Coswell climbs through horizontal ducts)

[Basement Hallway]

Nate (on radio): Coswell, are you there? There's a bunch of unsecured doors down here.

[Interior Ducts]

(Coswell runs into Parker who is climbing a vertical duct)

Coswell: Oh. Hi.

Parker: Oh, hey.

(Parker punches Coswell and jumps downward)

Coswell: Oh! Oh! (looks down horizontal duct) You okay?

(Parker fumbles in the duct work, looks down in alarm. Clanging noises indicate the knife fell)

[Basement Hallway]

(Nate hears the clanging noises and walks toward a ceiling vent, which pops open and drops the knife into his hands)

[McRory’s Bar]

Parker: Oh, butterfingers!

Sophie: It was my perfect plan!

(team talking over each other)

Sophie: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. Assuming we buy this...

Parker: Poor Coswell.

Sophie: ...there's one problem with your story.

Eliot: The dagger was still reported stolen.

Nate: Because it was stolen.

[Museum Gallery]

Gladstone (on phone): Wait, wait. Here he is now. Goodbye. (hangs up) I've just reported the dagger stolen to the police. They'll be here any second.

Coswell: I'm really sorry about this, Mr. Gladstone.

Gladstone: Sorry! You had the girl in your hands! This robbery is the worst loss I have ever ex...

(Nate holds up the knife and walks forward)

Coswell: Hey!

(Nate snaps the knife in two)

Coswell: Oh!

(Nate throws the knife on the floor)

Coswell: I don't know much about gold. It's not supposed to do that!

Nate: Worst loss, Mr. Gladstone? Is it worse than the first three pieces of art

Gladstone: you don't understand.

Nate: Why do you think I'm here? I'm here to figure out why it is you've had so many expensive pieces of art stolen that I.Y.S. has had to pay for. Well, now we know. What you do is you sell the originals on the black market, and then you stage a very public theft of the fakes so that you can collect the insurance. You're double dipping. That's, uh, that's a bad boy.

Gladstone: Please. Please, I'll be ruined. I'll...I'll do anything.

Nate: Anything?

Gladstone: Anything.

Nate: Well, you'll... you'll definitely pay back the settlements of the previous items. Have you sold the dagger yet?

Gladstone: No.

Nate: Okay. Then, uh, I.Y.S. will take the dagger as an asset. And I'd like the dealer. Yeah. Oh, you're small potatoes, Gladstone. Yes. No, I want the man you've been hiring to move your art and fake these thefts.

Coswell: As soon as he finds out the dagger wasn't stolen, he'll run.

Nate: That's a good point, Coswell. We'll keep the story of the theft. I.Y.S. just won't pursue the case. So, as of right now, the dagger of Aqu'Abi has been stolen.

[McRory’s Bar]

Eliot: So none of us got it.

Parker: None of us got it.

Sophie: Wait. Did it work? Did you get the dealer?

(Nate looks at Eliot)


Gutman: A client of mine, for whom I move rare merchandise, has asked me to arrange a retrieval. A dagger.

Eliot: Where?

Gutman: It's in Boston. Tonight.

[McRory’s Bar]

Eliot: You took out Gutman?

Nate: You're welcome.

Hardison: So we just did all that work for nothing.

Nate: Not for nothing. No. You know, you guys, sometimes it's easy to forget why it is you stopped working alone and became a team. Here's why. (presses play on remote)

Newscaster (on screen): The dagger is now owned by Nigel Hayton, C.E.O. of Baron Oil. Baron Oil is, of course, responsible for the latest oil spill in American waters. And now this display has sparked protests. Mr. Hayton, do you think it is appropriate, as thousands lose their jobs because of your company's negligence, to be showcasing the profits of that company?

Hayton: On the contrary. I think sharing my art collection with the people, the little people, is a wonderful way of showing how much Baron Oil cares. Baron Oil cares. I care.

(Nate pauses display)

Parker: Dibs. (runs for door)

Sophie: Unh-unh. I bagsy it. (follows her)

Hardison: Not if I get there first. (follows them)

(Eliot looks at Nate for a long moment and nods before following the others)

Nate: Ah, what the hell?

(Nate turns out lights and follows the rest of the team)

The End

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