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Leverage Main | When Darkness Falls

3x12 The King George Job
[Logan International Airport]

PA: Your attention, please. All international arrivals must pick up their luggage before proceeding...

Nate: It's taken us four months to get even this close to one of Damien Moreau's guys. Now we have a chance to hit him and get closer to Moreau. Hardison, take us through it.

(Hardison is seated at the counter referencing the information on his phone)

Hardison: Flight manifest for global transit airlines 485 out of Baghdad shows John Douglas Keller in business class. Now, Keller, he moves antiquities for our primary target, Damien Moreau. It shows he has no checked luggage, just probably a carry-on. Y-you know what, guys? I-I don't get this. I-it'd be a lot easier to intercept him out in the terminal.

Eliot (dressed as a pilot): No, if this guy is as strapped as I think he is, he's gonna have a gang of security waiting outside the airport for him, one bodyguard on the plane. You want to get close to him, you do it in here.

Nate: Sounds good. Parker?

Parker (pushing a luggage cart): While Eliot distracts the bodyguard, I'll lift Keller's wallet and phone and do a briefcase switch.

Nate: Hardison intercepted an e-mail.

Hardison: And decrypted it. These guys use--use a variant of Larry Duberman's algorithm. I-it's not as easy as baking a cake.

Nate: Moving on, yes. So, Keller has something valuable on this flight, probably Iraqi antiquities. Now, if we get him from all sides, one of us can grab the goods, and then I'll put our hooks into him.

(Keller walks across the room)

Nate: There he is.

Eliot: I've got him.

(Ennis follows close behind Keller)

Eliot: That's the bodyguard. I'm going in.

Ennis: This way, Mr. Keller.

Eliot: Parker, he's got a black briefcase, silver hardware.

Parker: Silver hardware? (looks at cart) All right, I'm on it. (runs off)

Ennis: We're right on schedule, Mr. Keller.

(a little girl approaches Eliot)

A’Yan (in foreign language): Can you help me? Where do I go?

Eliot: Nate.

Nate: Got him.

Eliot (in foreign language): Follow the people.

(A’Yan simply looks at him)

Eliot (reaches for her ticket): Can I see? (looks at ticket, then in foreign language) Is someone meeting you?

A’Yan (nods and turns to look): My family.

Mother: Hi, A'Yan! Welcome!

Eliot (takes her hand): Right this way.

(Eliot takes the girl to one of the gate officials)

Nate: He hasn't talked to anyone. He hasn't, uh, exchanged his bag with anyone. So whatever he's smuggling is probably in cargo and probably under a different name.

Official: Just come right this way, sweetie.

Eliot: All right, I'm out.

(Hardison stamps some paperwork and hands it to a traveler)

Hardison: Here you go.

Woman: Thank you.

(Keller approaches the desk and hands over his paperwork)

Hardison: Sorry for the delay, sir. We, uh, we've had a yellow alert issued.

Keller: Oh, no trouble at all.

Hardison: Mr. Keller. What are your reasons for visiting Boston?

Keller: Business, I'm afraid. Just a quick dinner meeting. Then I'm off home to London.

Hardison: Okay. Can't see much of Boston in three hours, can you?

Keller: No, more's the pity.

Hardison: Anything to declare?

Keller: No, nothing at all. No time for shopping, really, not even duty-free.

(an alarm begins to blare)

Woman on PA: Security to customs. Code 4. Security to customs. Code 4.

(many security agents run into the area)

Security: Block area. Move it!

(security runs past the desk Hardison is working at and over to where A’Yan is standing with the official)

Official: I'm sorry. She—she—she doesn't speak the language.

(official is holding a statue)

Nate: Uh, guys, we have a problem. Uh, they're arresting the wrong smuggler.

Keller: May I, uh, I'd hate to miss my appointment.

Hardison: Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, you're, uh, (stamps passport) you're clean. Good to go.

Keller: Thank you.

Security: Was that the only bag?

Official: That was the only bag, yes.

Security 2: Come along with me.

(security leads A’yan away, one of them holding the statue)

A’Yan: Where are we going?

Security: Excuse me.

A’Yan: Where’s my family?

Security: Excuse me.

(Keller watches A’Yan being led away)

Advocate (to guard): Excuse me. Where are they taking the girl? I represent her. I have papers from the consulate. She has refugee status. Please! Listen to me!

Guard: They have to talk to her first!

Keller: Did the, uh, other girls make it?

Ennis: Yes. 10 flights over the course of the day.

Keller: 9 out of 10. She's an acceptable loss.

(Keller and Ennis walk out of the area as A’Yan is led past Nate and Sophie)

Nate: Okay, Hardison, Eliot, I want you to tail Keller, discreetly. No contact. Surveillance only. Parker, if you get an opening, I want you to lift, uh, Keller's cell phone and clone it, nothing else.

Sophie: I need access to that girl.

Nate: No, no, it's too risky.

Sophie: What? Hardison has TSA badges.

Nate: For this gate only.

Sophie: They just played us. No, I'm going in.

Nate: No, you're not. No, no. No, w-we can't have access to one of those holding areas. It's deep security. We can talk to the family. It's a start. Let's get this little girl home.


[Airport Lounge]

Sophie: So, you're an immigration advocate?

Advocate: I have spent the past six years trying to reunite war torn families. I meet people off the plane and hope the smugglers and drug dealers haven't gotten to them first.

Sophie: But she's innocent. Well, there must be something you can do.

Advocate: I can file paperwork. That is all I can do. She's sitting alone in a holding cell, and I don't know what to tell her family.

Nate: She could be kept in the system for months without being processed. The laws haven't caught up with this type of crime yet.

Advocate: I deal with a lot of children seeking asylum. These tactics are not uncommon. A man with a gun forces a statue or a necklace into a kid's bag and says, "Take this onto the plane or I'll kill you."

Nate: And it usually works. The TSA is looking for guns and weapons, not statuary.

Advocate: But the artifacts more than pay for drugs and weapons. It's...

Sophie: Art for blood.

Nate: Well, we will do our best to exonerate A'Yan, all right? Now, you just, uh, keep, keep filing the paperwork, cross your T's, dot your I's, and we'll be in touch.

Advocate: Thank you. Thank you both.


[Leverage HQ]

Eliot: If I just take Keller out, it there another way to Moreau?

Hardison: Not a fast one. Moreau got his start smuggling antiquities from war zones.

Eliot: Statute of limitations is way past on those crimes.

Nate: No, no, that doesn't matter. The more experienced a criminal becomes, the more sophisticated he gets at covering his tracks. You go back to his first crimes, and that's where you see the rough edges. It's sort of like...

Sophie: Archaeology. Archaeology of crime. The further back you go in a criminal's career, the more primitive his methods, the more mistakes you can find as a way in. A lot more mistakes.

Hardison: Since Moreau started with antiquities, these companies and these bank accounts are the closest ties to his real life. And since he's moved up, Keller's started running that part of the business. And it's a cash cow. The valuables from the looted Iraqi museum or an archaeological dig, they fetch millions on the black market in the west.

Parker: Yeah, but unlike a stolen Monet or the Rosalind diamond, these pieces aren't registered or insured, so they're impossible to track. Man, I should've got into that years ago. Yeah. I mean before we went straight, of course.

Eliot: So, Keller steals a statue from a dig in Iraq and he mules it through customs using a little kid and he sells it to rich Americans for 5 million bucks.

Nate: That $5 million funds terrorist training camps, weapons sales.

Hardison: The one thing that's got me stumped is that little girl's arrest didn't break Keller's stride at all. I mean, he's already off on a flight to London. Apparently he's a-a regular at Claridge's auction house.

Sophie: Because you don't just sell on the black market. The real payoff, the big money, is when you move it through legitimate auction houses. You fake up the papers, you scrub off the blood and dirt, and you clean it up so that all the pretty people can show it off in their pretty bloody houses. (walks out)


[McRory’s Bar]

(Sophie is drinking at the bar when Nate walks in)

Sophie: Oh, I'm sorry. Are you the only one that's allowed to brood down here, or is it an open bar?

Nate: I know what you're thinking, but it's not the same thing.

Sophie: Oh, no. Of course it's not. I stole from one rich man to sell to another rich man.

Nate: No one got hurt. (pours a drink)

Sophie: That I know of. How do I know that innocent children were never used to shift my merchandise?

Nate: You want to talk about collateral damage, we'd be here all day.

Sophie: Yeah.

Nate: "Tread lightly"? I mean, who treads lightly?

Sophie: Well, certainly not us.

Nate: Listen, Sophie, this guy Keller is one of Moreau's top lieutenants. Now, if we get emotionally overinvested in this or any case, we get sloppy. We get sloppy, we lose Keller, we lose Moreau, we lose the whole operation.

Sophie: And the Italian sends you back to prison, or worse. And with all that at stake, you're prepared to give me a lecture on being overinvested? Listen, I know I grifted from filthy-rich wankers who hardly ever missed the money, of being taken for a ride. But this, this whole Moreau business has got me thinking. Keller steals from the rich, too, and a little girl ends up in detainment for it.

Nate: Do you want to go to London?

Sophie: Let's go steal an auction.

(they touch glasses and drink)


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Sophie: I love Claridge's auction house. Even the air feels more expensive.

Nate: So, this is where Keller moves most of his goods. And his calendar says that he should be arriving here just about now. Hardison—


[Claridge’s Office]

Nate: --are you in their computers yet?

Hardison: Accessing. (types on keyboard) Okay, a-apparently their computer system is also an antique. Possibly steam-powered, which would be cool.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Sophie: Hardison, this is an extremely old house. They believe in tradition. The computer records are gonna be bare bones. The real contracts are gonna be paper files.


[Claridge’s Office]

Hardison (looks at filing cabinets): So, that's not just for decoration?


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Nate: Just count to "k," Hardison. I need a record of everything he's sold here.

Sophie: Or we could just ask the man himself.

(Keller enters followed by Ennis)

Nate: Parker, you're up.

Parker: Your coat, sir? (takes his coat and hands it to another girl) Hey, heads up. Here you go.

Woman: Oh! All right.

(Parker looks through Keller’s wallet)

Nate: What do you got, Parker?

Parker: Nothing unusual, but he does have an auction card from Claridge's.

Nate: Does it have an item number on it?

Parker: 857204.

Sophie: If the number starts with an 8, then it's a bid card. He's not selling today. He's buying something. Why?

Nate: I'm not sure why. But if this is his hub, I'm gonna give him one more item to move through it. Parker, return the wallet. Keep the bid card. Find the vault. It should be filled with antiquities waiting to be processed. I need something to establish my credentials with Keller.

(Parker walks out)


[Garage]

Nate: Eliot, did they bring backup?

(Eliot is in the garage, working on a car)

Eliot: Keller showed up with just his bodyguard. Driver's waitin’. They won't be long.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Nate: Okay, keep an eye on the front door.


[Garage]

Eliot: Got it.


[Vault]

Parker: 1905-style strong room. Walls 2 feet thick. Cast-iron. Way ahead of its time. But probably taken out with an acetylene burner during the postwar crime waves. (begins cracking safe) Retrofitted hinges and alarms in the 1980s, the Thatcher security boom. But English damp won't allow for heat sensors to work. I almost feel bad for you. (opens door)


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Sophie: I looked up the number on the bid card. And get this, Keller bought a ring.

Nate: Ah. A Mason ring or an engagement ring?

Sophie: A signet ring belonging to George, the prince regent. Doesn't make any sense. I mean, considering the priceless antiquities that Keller handles on a daily basis, this little trinket isn't worth very much.

Nate: Well, maybe he's buying it for a client.

Sophie: But there'd be no need to shift something like this on the black market when it's right here in the open. No, he wants this for himself. I just have to figure out why.

Nate: Parker, what do you got for me?


[Vault]

Parker: Ohh! This place is great! I recognize over half of this stuff. Oh. (looks at an elephant on a shelf) Hello. Last time I saw you was at the Louvre. Well, actually, you were in the back seat of my car, but before that you were at the Louvre.

Nate: Parker, focus!

Parker: Okay. (goes through crate) We've got Napoleonic silver, ooh, some great Russian icons, 17th-century, and, statue, gold guy, uh, loincloth, pharaoh beard, and very rectangular feet.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Nate: Falcon head, dog head, or human head?


[Vault]

Parker: Bird head. And I think he's smirking at me.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Nate: Okay, perfect. Statue of Ra.


[Vault]

Nate: Bring it to me.

(Parker stands with the statue in her hands)


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Sophie: You mean something. You're not worth anything, so you mean something.


[Claridge’s Office]

Sophie: Hardison, did you find those files yet?

Hardison: Yes. (stands with files in his hands) Now, look, when we get a moment, y'all are gonna have to explain this English filing system. Now, as far as Keller goes, there's a big file and a small file. Big file is all sales, antiquities, mostly from Iraq and Afghanistan, all with fake provenance.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Sophie: What's in the small file?

Hardison: Small one is…


[Claridge’s Office]

Hardison: …land purchases, old manor houses up for auction, all within the last two years, all in Scotland. Ha! Places like, uh, Loch Glengorra, And Loch McGr-r-r... I'm not even gonna try to pronounce it, man. It's just a bunch of random g's and n's.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Sophie: Scotland? Thanks, Hardison. You can get out of there.

Nate: Okay, I'm gonna go in. You want to play a little Nick and Nora?

Sophie: Unh-unh. No. I'm gonna stay on the outside for a bit.

(Parker passes the wrapped statue to Nate)

Sophie: There's something about this Keller guy that's vexing me.

Nate: Hey, listen, Sophie, you never intentionally put an innocent person in danger.

Sophie (sits down): Just don't let him put you in danger. Good hunting.


[Hallway]

Keller: Make sure we've got a cutout for the Spanish deal, and call our man in San Lorenzo and--

Nate: Ah, Mr. Keller. Yes, I believe you dropped this. (hands Keller his auction card)

Keller: Thank you, mister, uh...

Nate: Jensen. Tom Jensen.

Keller: Oh, an American. Are you with Claridge's?

Nate: In a way. I've, I have participated in some of their New York auctions, yeah.

Keller: Participated how?

Nate: I'm a broker of merchandise, antiques, mostly, for private collectors. I like to let them know when something, you know, of interest, uh, becomes discovered. (looks at statue on table))

Keller: Uh, yes. Smuggling is a crime, Mr. Tom Jensen.

Nate: No, I find the goods. I don't--I don't move them. No, I-I heard that, uh, that was your specialty, actually.

Keller: Interesting. (points at statue)

Nate: Oh, yeah. Oh, this? Yeah.

Keller: Statue of Ra?

Nate: Yes, yeah. (hands Keller the statue)

Keller: You buy that on the Portobello road?

Nate: No. I have an archaeologist on payroll. That came from a dig in Egypt. Yeah, we have four crates of really high-end, amazing antiquities, yeah, and, yeah, in fact, have to find a way to get them back to my, uh, buyer in America, and I heard that you are the right person for that kind of job.

(Keller smells the statue)

Nate: How does it smell?


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Sophie (gets to her feet): He smelled it? Oh.


[Hallway]

Keller: No, that's not from Egypt. And, uh, (looks at bottom of the statue) see this here? (shows Ennis) No, I'd say this is from the Bellingham collection which is slated for auction in two weeks, which means you are either a con artist or a cop.

(Keller looks at Ennis, who moves forward)

Nate: Oh, I'm just trying to make a deal here.

(Ennis punches Nate in the stomach, knocking him back into a chair)

Nate: Ohh!

(Keller puts the statue down)


[Garage]

Eliot: Nate, hold on. I'm on my way. (heads for the door)

Sophie: Eliot, stay where you are.

Eliot (stops): What?


[Hallway]

Nate: What?!

(Ennis punches Nate again)

Nate: Ohh!

Keller: I said, who are you working for?


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Sophie: Eliot, you go in now, you'll blow the con.

Eliot: Sophie, the con's already blown.

Sophie: Yeah, the old one is. Not my con. The ring, Scottish manors, I know Mr. Keller's heart's desire.


[Hallway]

(Keller punches Nate several more times, then grabs him by the throat)

Nate: Unh!

Sophie: I beg your pardon, but you're manhandling my employee. Kindly call off your dog, Mr. Keller.

Keller: Ennis, that's enough.

(Ennis lets Nate go)

Keller: You know my name. I can't say I've had the same pleasure.

Sophie: Charlotte Prentice, 18th duchess of Hanover.

Keller (kisses her hand): Your grace.

Sophie: What happened? He try the Egypt story? This statue comes from a private collection. I meet a great deal of people in my travels who wish to have such collections liquidated, quickly and quietly. The buyer I have lined up for this particular piece is in America, and I have no one I can trust to traverse customs.

Keller: If your story checks out, though, on principle, I would never doubt someone of your standing, I will do you the courtesy of not hunting down and killing your man here.

Nate: Well, thank you.

Keller: But, uh, I'm not taking on any outside clients right now.

Sophie: I'll double your commission.

Keller: I'm afraid the answer's still "no," your grace. Now, if you'll pardon me? (walks away)

Sophie: Perhaps I can provide you with something else, something worth more than money?

Keller (turns back): I'm afraid there's really no price.

Sophie: A knighthood, perhaps.

Keller: A knighthood? With all due respect, your grace, her majesty hands out 2,600 of those a year. Any pop star can have a knighthood. (walks away)

Sophie: I see. Your aims are a little higher. One of the lost baronies, then?

Nate: Sophie. I do, but are you sure this is a good idea?

Keller (returns): One of the lost baronies? Not possible.

Sophie: There are about 10 people in the world who can secure an interview with the Earl Marshal, and I happen to be closely related to three of them. If you help me with my little venture, then I'll help you claim a lost barony... My lord.

Keller: How?

Sophie: Meet me at Porter's tomorrow. Afternoon tea.

Keller: I look forward to it. And, uh, let's leave our pets at home, shall we?

Sophie: Certainly.

(Keller leaves)


[Exterior, Claridge’s]

Eliot: Who's the duchess of Hanover?

Hardison: And what's a lost barony?

Parker: Can I keep the statue?

Sophie: We have a lot of work to do, about 200 years' worth, actually.

Nate: All right, guys, let's go steal a royal title.


[Hotel Room]

Nate: The royal cover story is easy to check, hard to fake.

Sophie: I spent seven years establishing this persona. Trust me, Nate. It's rock-solid.

Eliot: How'd you know he'd go for it?

Sophie: Keller's been buying up small but specific pieces of Scottish land. Well, that's one way to obtain a minor barony. He's also a royal fetishist. I mean, there was no reason for him to overbid on the prince regent ring. It had to be emotional. Plus, when I introduced myself, he addressed me as "your grace" rather than the more common "my lady," and he gave a little bow and kissed my hand.

Parker: And what was the Earl Marshal part about?

Sophie: Oh, he controls the succession of titles in the peerage. So, this is key, there are 86 unclaimed baronies in Great Britain.

Nate: It's just a title that no one holds.

Parker: And does it come with a castle?

Sophie: Sometimes, yeah.

Nate: So, this is Keller's heart's desire, I take it?

Hardison: Oh, yeah. Checked into it, man. (turns laptop around) He's applied for an audience with the Earl Marshal six times in the past two years. Denied.

Nate: Good guess.

Sophie: It's not really a guess when it's that good, is it?

Nate: The name of this con is called "The Mummy's Tiara."

Hardison: Come on, man. That can't be real.

Parker: Am I gonna have to steal a corpse again?

Nate: Oh, it's real, all right, and it's almost impossible to pull off in a country that has an actual monarchy. So, “The Mummy’s Tiara” involves using a forged relic to purchase a royal title.

Hardison: A forged relic. That means we need a forger. I know a couple of guys in the States.

Sophie: No, Hardison. Unh-unh. (goes and gets the statue of Ra and sets it on the table) Hardison, you're gonna do it.

Hardison: I'm a hacker. I hack. I don't forge.

Sophie: You're not making a forgery. You're gonna create a work of art. Smell it. That's how he knew that Nate was lying.

(Hardison smells the statue)

Hardison: Smells like statue. (smells again) And gold.

Sophie: And?

Hardison: And some cinnamon, there's a little cinnamon on there.

Sophie: And cardamom. Those are the spices that statue was packed with as it lay in its tomb for thousands of years. But those spices were only used in Libyan tombs, not Egyptian ones.

(Eliot takes the statue and smells it)

Sophie: Elliot, feel the base.

Eliot: It's rough. It's been sanded.

Sophie: Markings from the acidic cleanser used in the British museum in the 1800s. And that's how he knew it wasn't a recent find.

Parker: Can I taste it?

Sophie: You should. Go on.

Parker (picks up statue and licks it): Tastes like cold.

Sophie: Yeah, so, as you know, Parker, most metals heat up when they're held, platinum, for example, but gold, no. Gold stays cool and impassive as a God. So, if we're gonna fool an expert of Keller's caliber, then we're gonna have to overwhelm his senses with something too real to be fake. Hardison, get busy. (hands him a list) There's your shopping list. Don't skimp on supplies.

Nate: Use Eliot and Parker. We're gonna go finish the deal with Keller and get him to transport our secret stash of treasures back to the States.

Hardison: What secret stash of treasures? I'm sorry, does this say "goat marrow"?

Nate: Let's go.


[Porter’s]

Nate: I'm about to revisit the topic of Sophie being overinvested. Now, you want to you want to run a passion-based game on a man who bankrolls terrorists?

Sophie: Exactly. End of the day, Nate, you always go here, whereas I go here. But to a mark who's always in his head, (looks at Keller, sitting nearby) the heart con's the only one that works.

Nate: Heart con is dangerous. If it flames out on you, it's like igniting jet fuel.

Sophie: Yeah? Tell that to the little girl who's sitting in an immigration holding cell.

Nate: Good luck.

(Nate remains in the bar area while Sophie walks over to join Keller)

Keller: Your grace. Allow me.

(Keller seats Sophie and a waiter pours tea)

Keller: That's quite a claim you made yesterday. Can you back it up?

Sophie: There are 86 lost, or dormant, baronies. The queen doesn't approve of titles lying fallow. Having said that, it's almost impossible to claim one without the proper documentation.

Keller: I've done some research in that area myself. It's proven less than fruitful.

Sophie: Birth certificates, church records, even whole family trees are submitted for consideration. But if you were to meet the Earl Marshal with the private journal of a royal ancestor, even the queen herself couldn't refuse you.

Keller: A private journal? Belonging to?

Sophie: The mistress of King George III.

Keller: That's a myth. Isn't it?

Sophie: As you know, George's reign ended in abject failure, loss of the colonies, an incurable illness, a dim-witted son poised to take the throne. The one thing he succeeded at was protecting his mistress, Catherine. In a moment of clarity in the last throes of his disease, he sent a pregnant Catherine to America with a trunk full of treasure. And Catherine kept a diary.

Keller: That has never been proved.

Sophie: Of course. Some say she became a commoner in Massachusetts. Some say she died at sea. Some say she never left London at all. No one knows. But a man who has her book could claim a direct descent to Catherine…

Keller: And the king of England.

Sophie: Now, that's got to be worth a barony and a small fortune.


[Hotel Room]

(Hardison is working on a computer when Eliot comes in with a box full of supplies)

Eliot: I got your turpentine. I got your walnut oil, by the way, which I purchased from a very stunning vegan chick, so thank you for that. And a bucket of soot. It's everywhere.

Hardison: Ha ha! Nice, E. Way to get your hands dirty.

Eliot: Yeah, thank you. (wipes hand on rag)

Hardison: Hey, put that down, man. That's my paper.

Eliot: It's a rag.

Hardison: No, that's what printers used to make paper back in the 1700s. Use a moist towelette, please, and thank you.

Eliot: What's that smell?

Hardison: Uh, y-you don't want to know how they wet the paper back in the day.

Eliot: Did you--

Hardison: Do not ask me, man.

Eliot: Damn it, Hardison! (heads for door)

Hardison: Why you so sensitive? You touch worse.

Eliot: I'm going out for Baba Ghanoush!


[Porter’s]

Keller: Do you have the book?

Sophie: The book's coming up for auction at Claridge's as part of a small lot of 18th-century volumes. Even the auctioneer himself doesn't know its true value. I was just gonna pick it up as a family heirloom, but I'd be happy to share it with you, along with a personal letter of introduction to the Earl Marshal.

Keller: If I help you move your goods to America. What's in the freight?

Sophie: Oh, let's just say bits and bobs, statuary from Egypt, paintings from France. There's a demand for these things in America. But my operation is small and relies on relationships. I just don't have the infrastructure to move so much so quickly.

Keller: Well, I do.

Sophie: So, it's a deal, then?

Keller: Almost. There's someone who wants to see you, Duchess.

Sophie: Oh?

Nate: Okay, who is it? Sophie, listen, if it gets too hot, just leave.

Keller (stands): Her ladyship, the countess of Kensington.

(A woman approaches the table)

Nate: All right, Sophie, listen, if your cover's blown, it's okay. Just find a way out. Sophie?

Countess: Charlotte!

Sophie: Auntie!

(the two women hug and laugh)

Keller: There. Well. Family reunion.


[Hotel Room]

Parker: I think the technical term is "cotton swell."

Eliot: Maybe it's you putting them in too far. That's your problem.

(Hardison is hanging pages on a string)

Parker: Um, I don't know how soon we're doing this auction scam, but are you planning on printing out the entire diary, page by page?

Eliot: You better hope she's got a short and boring life, my man.

Hardison: Do you know what I've achieved here? Do you? I made ink from boysenberries, okay? I-I-I-I've tanned hide for the covers.

Eliot (to Parker): I forgot to tell you not to go in the Jacuzzi, it’s not safe.

Hardison: I made glue for the binding from animal parts I do not care to discuss. I-I’ve made content for the filler pages from digitized colonial-era novels and diaries. I-I-I-it's Shakespeare in the house, people, Shakespeare.

Parker: Yeah, it sounds like a lot of work.

Hardison: It is. In a single day, I've gone from apprentice to journeyman to master.

Parker: Okay.

Eliot: He's losing it.

Parker: Well, yeah, so, I'm gonna go steal some stuff.

Hardison: Okay, but come back, 'cause I-I've fused computer technology with, with, with this stuff.

Eliot: All right, man, let us know how that goes.

Hardison: I've hacked history! I've hacked history, people.

(Parker and Eliot leave the room)


[Porter’s]

Sophie: So, there I was, remember this?

Countess: Mm?

Sophie: I had the weed clippers in one hand, I had the prize petunias in the other.

Countess: And the dear girl looked me right in the eye and said...

Sophie and Countess together: "Auntie, at least you still have the blue ribbon!"

Keller (phone rings): Pardon me a moment.

Sophie: It will give us a chance to catch up.

Keller (gets up from table): Hello. Yes, Mr. Moreau.

Countess: So, my dear Charlotte, where have you been all these years?

Sophie: Oh, you know, traveling. I always wanted to see the world. How have you been, auntie?

Countess: Oh, well enough, in spite of my pains, what with our dear William gone these eight years come April. Oh, don't look so sad, girl. It'll pucker your looks.

Sophie: I miss him, that's all.

Countess: Yes, well, he never blamed you for running off like you did. But the drink helped to console him.

Sophie: I loved him, auntie, very much.

Countess: And he loved you, dear, fiercely. One has to love fiercely in order to die of a broken heart. Don't you agree?

(Sophie looks across the room where Nate puts his paper down and takes a drink of his tea)

Keller (returns to table): I am so sorry, your grace. That, uh, was my employer. There's been an incident in Boston that's made him more cautious about our next shipment.

Sophie: Oh. Well, I'd best go take care of some details.

Keller: Instead of next week, we'll be taking it out tomorrow. That's not gonna be a problem, is it?


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Nate: Sophie.

Sophie: You have something you want to ask me.

Nate: I, uh, yeah. (sits down) How real is this, uh, this duchess persona?

Sophie: Where are we exactly on your side of things? (sits next to him)

Nate: Oh, no, no. E-e-everything's okay. Yeah, I mean, uh, you know, Keller is shipping his antiquities out of London in the morning, we have to finish forging a 200-year-old book that has to hold up to expert scrutiny, and take over an auction that's gonna start in five minutes and deliver to Keller a treasure trove of antiquities that we don't actually have.

Sophie: Piece of cake. (stands up) Plus, we're one step closer to Damien Moreau. (walks away)

Nate: Okay, Hardison, I need that book, now.


[Hotel Room]

Hardison: Hey, man, Sophie said, "flawless." Now you're saying, "fast." You two need to have a conversation and figure it out.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Nate: Uh, fast. Go with fast.

Hardison: Okay, but the—


[Hotel Room]

Hardison: --glue on this binding, it takes two weeks to dry naturally. Now, a hair dryer is too hot and too powerful. It'll curl the pages and melt the spine. I managed to find a manicure dryer, so you're just gonna have to wait. And as stunning as my work is, stunning, I say, it's still a rush job. It'll pass the first inspection, but it won't hold together for very long.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Nate: Okay, Eliot, what's your status?


[Exterior Street]

Eliot (on comm): I'm meeting with Keller's transport guys right now. (louder) Hey, guys. How are you?

Ennis: Hi.

Eliot: I, uh, I'm under orders to inspect your facility before we can move the, the things.

Ennis: I see where you're coming from, and I respect your work.

Eliot: Thank you.

Ennis: But we've only got two jobs today. One is to accompany you to your lady's storage bin and empty it of its contents. The second is to take it back with us. We won't be needing your accompaniment on that second leg.

Eliot: Okay. I got to--I got to call it in. Uh. (dials phone) One second. Nate, these guys want me to take them straight to Sophie's secret stash. What the hell am I supposed to do with them?


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Nate: Okay, stall. Stall. Um, yeah, uh, London city tour. You're good at that.


[Exterior Street]

Eliot: You want me to stall them? They're former British paratroopers!


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Nate: How--how do you...

Eliot: Haircuts, all right?


[Exterior Street]

Eliot: It's very distinctive haircuts.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Keller: Your grace. (sits next to Sophie) I've checked into the book collection.

Sophie: You checked them?

Keller: Asked around. Personal diaries from the colonial era. They have no idea what's in there, what that diary is worth.

Sophie: They think it's just the rambling fantasies of a lovesick girl.


[Exterior Claridge’s]

Nate: Parker! Parker!

Parker: What?! Hey, is Sophie a princess?

Nate: Parker, just, did you take care of the auctioneer?

Parker: Yeah. Sophie told me to find out his deepest wish and give it to him.

Nate: Yeah, yeah.

Parker: But I thought that would take way too long, so...


[Flashback]

Parker: Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Auctioneer: Hmm?

(Parker puts the rag over the auctioneer’s mouth until he passes out on his desk)


[Exterior Claridge’s]

Parker: What? He's gonna wake up in like three hours.

Nate: Come on.

(pulls Parker into the building)


[Interior Truck]

Eliot: That's insane, man. Red light means stop. Just like in the States. It's the same thing. I should've known that. I don't want to lose your boys.

Ennis: Are you sure you know where you're going?

Eliot: I know exactly where I'm going, man. It's just really tough. I don't, I don't, it's hard. These streets are really confusing, man, the streets of London.

(a scooter approaches on the street)

Ennis: The other side.

Eliot: Exactly.

Ennis: You're meant to be on the other bloody side of the road.

(the scooter swerves to miss the truck)

Eliot: Whoa! That guy. That's not my fault.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Parker (acting as auctioneer): Lot 456. This exquisite Ming dynasty vase was once smuggled out of mainland China in a donkey's saddlebag. It resurfaced decades later in the private collection of a Hong Kong billionaire, where it was left virtually unprotected by a subpar laser-grid security system.

Nate: Parker!

Parker: Reserve price, £500,000. Can I have a starting bid, please? (taking bids throughout the audience) Okay. 550. And do I have 600? Yes to the toupee on the right, yes. An antique enamel and 16-karat-gold jewelry box made right here in London. And let me tell you something, it's worth a lot more than you'd think just by looking at it, especially if you consider the 16 angry henchmen who are gonna be following you through the gardens of Versailles if you happen to pick it up, okay? You know what I'm saying?

Nate: Parker.

Parker: Lot 739. A stone elephant crafted by Peter Carl Fabergé for his imperial highness. Hang on a second. Let me see that? (takes the elephant and examines it) Yeah, no. That's a fake. (tosses it over her shoulder)


[Claridge’s Lobby]

(Hardison rushes into the building and Nate meets him at the bottom of the stairs)

Nate: Okay. You're here, finally.

Hardison: Whew! "Finally"? "Finally"? You are looking at the Leonardo Da Vinci of forgery, my friend. It's all packed. (hands box to Nate)

Nate: All right. The box has to pass, too.

Hardison: Yeah.

Nate: Okay, and you can track Keller's money back to Moreau's account, right?

Hardison: Okay, but remember, Keller has got to go big or go home. I can follow his bid back to the shell companies, but it has to be big enough, 250,000 at least.

Nate: Okay, quarter of a million. Let's go. (heads up the stairs)

Hardison: Stretch it out, stretch it out.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

(Nate surreptitiously places the box on a stack of books just out of sight)

Nate: We're up, Parker.

Parker (to aide): Oh, out y... go ahead. Thank you.

(the aide takes out the item he’s holding and comes back with the stack of books)

Parker: All right, lot 872! We've got a collection of old books from the 1700s. Do I have a starting bid?

Hardison: I've got a starting bid. Whew! Ooh. (hands Parker a piece of paper)

Parker: You all right, there, fella? Okay. All right, I see I have a phone bid of £150,000, someone who loves to read old stuff! Yeah! All right! So, do I hear 160?

Nate: Okay, Sophie, we've got to get Keller to bid at least £250,000. Anything over that, and Hardison can trace the money back to the source, and we can find Moreau.

Sophie: Isn't it too much? (pats Keller with her purse)

Keller: 200.

Parker: £200,000! Okay, we've got 200. Anyone?

Nate (to bidder who is looking at Parker): You like that?

Bidder: Oh, uh, yeah.

Nate: You want to get with that? You got to win the books. She loves the books.

Bidder: Really?

Nate: Oh, yeah.

Parker: 220! Oh! Hey! All right! Love a man in a pink shirt! Not afraid to wear color. It's a good sign.

Sophie: What?! Why, that little toe rag. That's a family heirloom. How dare that little low-class trash bid on our ancestor's journal?

Keller: Quite right. 260.

Parker: 260. Going once...

Bidder: 280.

Nate: Wait! That's too much.

Parker: At 280.

Nate: 220, that was romantic. You know, 280, she's gonna think you're a sap.

Parker: 280.

Nate: Sophie!

(Sophie puts her hand on Keller’s knee. Keller looks at her and raises his paddle)

Keller: 300.

Parker: Going once, twice, sold! 300. Great. Thanks for comin'.


[Storage Facility]

Eliot: That was confusing, wasn't it? All the, what do you call those things? 'Round-'rounds, rounded, roundabouts, whatever? You guys, we won't have those in the States. What language was the signs? At least you guys speak American. Or, I, well, I mean, I know you speak English. That's southern humor. Uh, what was I, oh, keys. Keys. (searches pockets) Did I leave them in the van?

Ennis: Mnh-mnh.

Eliot: You don't think so?


[Hallway]

(Keller examines the book, smelling the pages, then hands it back to the auction house official)

Keller: It's genuine. Thank you.


[Claridge’s Auction House]

Hardison: Whoo!

(everyone looks at Hardison)

Hardison: What? What?


[Hallway]

(Keller makes the money transfer on his phone)

Keller: Money transferring (shows the auction house official) now.

(the official nods and Keller takes the box

Sophie: Ha. This is the first day of your new life as a baron. Shall we go and see the Earl Marshal?

Keller: Oh, I'll be seeing him, thanks, as soon as I bloody well please.

Sophie: Uh, you'll need my letter of introduction.

Keller: I had a chat with the countess yesterday. She told me all about your little royal scandal. Apparently, having you with me would ruin my chances of advancement. I'll take the book, thanks. That's all I need.

Sophie: What about our deal?

Keller: Oh, right. (makes phone call)

Ennis: Hello?

Keller: Ennis.


[Storage Facility]

Keller: Are you still at the storage unit?

Ennis: Mm-hmm.

Keller: Clear it out.


[Hallway]

Keller: And their man, shoot him. Throw him in the Thames.

(Keller hangs up and walks away)


[Storage Facility]

Eliot (pulls key from pocket): If it had been a snake, it'd have bit me.

(Ennis pulls a gun and points it at Eliot)

Eliot: Oh.

Ennis: It really hurts me to have to do this to you, I've quite enjoyed your company this afternoon.

Eliot: Listen--

Ennis: But I'm gonna need you to open up the storage unit now.

Eliot: Listen, let me explain something to you. This thing, there's nothing in here, okay? My boss is-is running a con on your boss, man. I don't need this. I didn't sign up for this, okay? This--this thing is empty.

Ennis: I don't care if it's empty.

(Ennis steps forward and Eliot knocks the gun from his hand, and punches him in the chest, then spins to dodge a punch from another man and kick him between the legs. He grabs the man’s arm to straighten him and pushes him away, grabbing the man’s belt)

Ennis: Get him!

(Eliot loops the belt and catches the third man’s punch, trapping his arm against his shoulder and slamming him against the wall. Eliot turns and hits the second man with the belt several times and punches him in the face. Ennis gets up and Eliot whips him in the face with the belt. Eliot wraps the belt around his hand and grabs Ennis’ wrist when he raises the gun. Eliot hits Ennis in the neck, knocking him down)

Eliot: I've quite enjoyed your company today as well.


[Heathrow Airport]

(a security guard walks through holding Keller’s briefcase)

Keller (on phone): Yes, Mr. Moreau. I'll be in Rome in two hours, usual spot.

Security: Could you finish up on the phone, please, sir?

Keller: Could we, uh, possibly speed things up a little bit? Can't miss my flight. Urgent business.

(the officer takes the top off the box holding the book and looks up at Keller)

Security: I'm sorry, Mr. Keller. We're going to have to detain you.

Keller: This is a very expensive piece that I bought at auction. Here's the paperwork. (hands it to the security guard)

Security (looks at paper): Right. Well, this says you purchased a couple of books. It doesn't say anything about wooden Russian icons.

Keller: Well, that's because I didn't buy any icons.

Security: No, you didn't buy them.

(the security guard holds up the two pieces of the box, showing that both the lid and the bottom of the box are Russian icons.

Keller: What?


[Flashback]

Nate: Parker, what do you got for me?

Parker: Ooh, some great Russian icons, 17th-century. And Statue, gold guy.

Nate: Okay, perfect. Statue of Ra. Bring it to me.

(Parker stands up)

Nate: Oh, and, uh, bring those icons. I have an idea.

(Parker bends and takes the icons from the crate)


[London Airport]

(several officers pull Keller’s hands behind his back and cuff him)

Keller: Cheeky bitch.

Security: Well, that ain't all, mate. (hand comes away sticky from the book) You just paid £300,000 for a forgery.

Keller: This is, uh, this has all been a misunderstand--

Security: You can tell it to Scotland Yard. They want to ask you about the other antiquities you tried to smuggle today.

Keller: What?

Security: Here we go. This way, sir.


[Storage Facility]

(Police men run into the hallway to find Ennis and his men hog tied in front of Sophie’s storage unit)

Officer: Well, what's all this, then?

Ennis: It's a misunderstanding.

Officer: And what's in the storage unit?

Ennis: Nothing. It's bloody empty.

Officer: Well, we'll see about that.

(the officer pulls up the door of the storage unit to find it full of crates and boxes of art and antiquities)

Officer: If that's what you call nothing, I'd sure like to see something.


[Boston Airport]

(a customs officer leads A’Yan out of the office and hands her over to the advocate)

Advocate: I don't know how you did it, but thank you. Thank you very much. You've touched so many lives without even knowing it.

Nate: Well, it's what we do.

(A’Yan sees Eliot and runs over to him)

Eliot: Oh, hey.

A’Yan (in foreign language): Thank you!

Eliot (in foreign language): You’re welcome, little one. (raises his hand, and in English) High five. (A’Yan slaps his hand) Boom!

Advocate: Thank you so much.

(the advocate shakes Eliot’s hand and escorts A’Yan away)

Nate: The storage locker was not empty.

Sophie: No.

Nate: In fact, it was filled with stolen artworks, antiquities.

Sophie: Yeah. I read that in the paper.

Nate: Your own personal stash?

Sophie: That storage locker was filled with some of the very first things I ever stole.

Nate: You got a lot of buried secrets in London, don't you?

Sophie: Archaeology of crime.

Nate: Well, at least I now know your real name.

Sophie: Unh-unh, no. That's not my real name. "Charlotte" was my stage name.

Nate: Hmm. Any news on Keller's auction payment?

Hardison: Oh, yeah. In my trace, I peeled back 10 layers of security off an airborne Wi-Fi connection, airborne.

Eliot: You might be the greatest of all time, man. Did you find anything?

Hardison: Yeah, I found 10 shell companies, one of which is actually a promising lead. It's called Slap Shot Investments run by Mark Vector.

Eliot: Mark Vector, the hockey player? "The Enforcer"?

Parker: Great. Let's get him.

Hardison: That's the problem. He struck a deal with the feds. He's protected.

(Nate smiles)

Hardison: What are you... what... what's the smile? What are you smiling at? What... what is that?

Oh. Oh, no. No, no, no.

Nate: Oh, yeah. Let's go steal a federal witness.

The End

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