Weatherwoman: Standard forecast for the next 5 days.
(Parker changes channel)
Weatherman: Unusually high temperatures here in Boston...
Hardison: Parker... Give it! (takes remote) Thank you. Look, the weather forecast is the same on every single channel.
Parker: Well it's not Christmas without snow.
Nate (comes down stairs): Parker, you're not gonna get a white Christmas this year.
Parker: All we need is for this low-pressure system from Canada to come down and bring us a blast of cold air and precipitation.
Hardison: Yeah, I'll get right on that.
(Nate puts his coat on and heads for the door)
Hardison: Where are you going?
Hardison: Caroling? You do realize there's a Christmas party in the bar.
Nate: Oh, son of a...
Parker: Well? I want flurries. Make it happen. (walks away)
(patrons are making with the merry while Nate pours himself a drink at the bar)
Nate: Bah, humbug.
Parker: Nate! There's a client here to see you.
Nate: We're closed. It's the holidays.
Parker: No, I really think we should talk to this one. It's Santa.
(Nate looks over to see an old man with long grey hair, beard and glasses sitting at a table. Parker tosses her head and hits Nate in the face with her reindeer horns)
Parker: Ah, don't you think?
(two days earlier, Frank is sitting in Santa’s chair, talking to children as Dooley and a number of other men dressed like Santa push their way through the crowd toward him)
Frank: Well, that's quite a list you've got there, but the question is, have you been nice?
Frank: Of course you have! Here you are, my dear!
Child: Thank you!
Frank: And who's next?
Dooley: Come on, Frank. Up, up, up. Let's go.
Frank: Well, uh, Santa's a little busy right now, Mr. Dooley.
Dooley: Yeah, well, Santa's also a little bit drunk, everyone... (holds up bottle of liquor) Sorry.
Frank: That's not mine. That's not mine.
Dooley: Well, we found it in your locker, Frank, and you're fired. Come on. Come on.
Frank: No, no, no! Santa's not fired! No, no, not in front of the kids!
(the Santas force Frank up and escort him away from the chair as people in the crowd film it on their phones)
Frank: Please, no. But the children, the children.
Dooley: Hey, come on, take over.
Frank: No need to push. No need to push.
Dooley: Okay. Let's get Christmas rollin'. (to one of the Santas) Mm. Beard up. Beard up. Oh. Right. Okay, let's get Christmas going again, people. All right, merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
(video of the incident two days ago is playing on a laptop)
Frank (on video): But the children. This is so humiliating. I-I am no drunk!
(Parker closes the computer)
Frank: He lied. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in years. You can ask my wife.
Nate: This guy Dooley, the... the mall owner... Why would he want to frame you?
Frank: Over the past month, he's fired all the old Santas, guys who've worked the mall for years. And the replacements? They don't look like Santas, Mr. Ford. They look like criminals. I walked in on them meeting with Dooley, and they all clammed up. They're up to something. Hey, I told Dooley, I'm the senior Santa. I run the toys for Tykes Drive every Christmas Eve. If he fired me without cause, I'd sue. So he framed me to get me out of the way.
Parker: Poor Santa. (hugs him)
Frank: Well, this is not just some part-time job I've lost. I make appearances as Santa all year 'round. It's who I am. But who'd let their kids near me now, huh? I just want my reputation back. I want to be Santa again.
Nate: Uh...Okay. Uh, thank you, Frank. Uh, we're gonna... Talk it over.
Frank: Okay, thanks. Thanks. (stands up and offers Nate a candy cane)
Nate: Uh, no, no, no. Thank you.
Frank (sets the candy cane on the table): The Christmas spirit has a way of sneaking up on you, you know.
(Parker sits down and gives Nate an expectant look)
Nate: What? Parker, now, this... this is too thin. Besides, we were all gonna take a break from each other and not spend the holidays together... Come on.
Parker: Okay. Bad enough it's Christmas and there's no snow on the ground, but this is Santa we're talking about, okay? We can't turn away Santa!
Nate: You know that's not really Santa, right?
Parker: Obviously. Santa lives at the North Pole. (walks away)
(Hardison is taking pictures at the North Pole)
Hardison: Okay, uh, pop... A little more smile. (looks into the viewfinder) No. Kill it. Too much smile. All right. Mom? You're great. One second. (adjusts son) I need junior over here. And you... (adjusts daughter) Scoot! Good times. Kris Kringle, open up the eyes, man. Come on, it's Christmas. You're scaring the kids. On three. 28...19...3! (takes picture) Yeah, that should be on a magazine. All right, get on. Who's next?
Sophie: Oh. It's quite fun being able to shop on the job. Ooh, that's quite nice.
Nate: Is that what you want? If I'm gonna get that engraved for you, I'll need to know your real name.
Sophie: You know what's also quite nice? A gift certificate.
Nate: Oh. Sure. Yeah. That's nice, too. (sees Dooley) Okay, looks like I'm up.
Sophie: Lots of energy, love. Every job's important.
Nate: Mr. Dooley. Hi. Anton Underhill. Retail consul...
Dooley: I really don't have time for this.
Nate: Well, time is money...
Nate: ...and that's what I'm offering you.
Sophie: Parker? Elliot? Quick.
Secretary (on phone): Mr. Dooley's not in his office at the moment. Can I have him return your call?
(Eliot walks in pushing a box of presents)
Eliot: Feliz Navidad.
Secretary: All these are for Mr. Dooley?
Eliot: They are if his name is... Ashley.
Secretary: That's my name!
Eliot: No kidding?
Secretary: Yeah. I swear.
Eliot: Now, why would someone bring him a bunch of packages when a pretty little thing like you is sitting right there?
Secretary: There's so many of them.
Eliot: Yeah. I'll tell you what. (hands her one of the packages) What if we open just one?
Secretary: It's not Christmas yet.
Eliot: It feels like Christmas to me right now.
Secretary (opens package): Mm, chocolates!
Eliot: You know what? Since we're... Let me, uh...
(Eliot picks up another package as Parker climbs out from beneath the packaging on the box)
Eliot: Now, this one here, that feels like lingerie to me. I'm just saying, I deliver a lot of packages, and it feels like lingerie to me.
(Parker enters and looks around)
Parker: Sad. (tosses tinsel on a plant) Happy.
(Parker sits down at the computer and plugs in a flash drive. She picks up a magic 8 ball and moves the chair, which makes a tinkling sound and she picks up a liquor bottle from the floor)
Parker: Dooley framed Santa with his own scotch.
Nate: It's a wonder there's any shoppers at all. You got obstructed sight lines, the signage is at the wrong height, and you've got, uh, you know, you've got the bad element, chasing out the good?
Dooley: What can I do? Twin pines took all my customers.
Nate: Okay, well, what if I were to tell you that my methods would get more shoppers to open up their wallets, huh? Hmm? Not too late to make a killing on Christmas Eve.
Dooley: You know what? I'm really not interested, okay? But why don't you check out the sales at Talarico? Denim jackets are half off.
Nate: Think about it.
Hardison: Eben Dooley Jr. inherited the regency square mall three years ago after his father passed and has since nearly run it into the ground. According to his computer files, he...
(Parker walks through holding a radio playing Christmas music)
Nate: Turn that off! Parker!
(Parker turns off the radio and looks at the others)
Hardison: As I was saying, according to his computer files, he's been inflating income. And the reality is the mall is on the verge of bankruptcy.
Eliot: Well, that would explain the anti-anxiety meds.
Hardison: Oh, I'd pop pills, too, if I had his gambling debts.
(Parker picks up an expensive necklace and hangs it on the tree)
Sophie: Parker, is that the Lion of Gilgamesh?
Parker: Mm-hmm. Stole it in Dubai in '05. Think it looks nice next to the star sapphire I took from the Prado.
Sophie: Okay, careful! You've got like millions of dollars' worth of loot on that tree.
Parker: Happy Birthday, Jesus.
Hardison: Hey, guys, check this out. Eben's on a flight on Christmas Eve to San Lorenzo. And those Santas? Ex-cons. See, the facial recognition, it focuses on the eyes. Thought they could fool me with those fake beards. Sad.
(Parker takes a gingerbread house from beneath the table and sets it in front of Eliot)
Eliot: Are you kidding me?
Nate: Yeah. Yeah, it's an insurance scam. He's desperate for money, so he fires the old Santas, he hires these goons to rob the mall, and by fleeing to San Lorenzo, he's got an alibi.
(Eliot pushes the gingerbread house away)
Parker: If we can take Dooley down, we can prove he framed Santa.
Nate: Yeah, Sophie, don't let Dooley get on that plane. And we're gonna need somebody inside the mall.
Hardison: I'm already on it. Hacking into the mall's employee database as we speak.
(Parker pushes the gingerbread house back in front of Eliot who pushes it away again. Parker pushes it back in front of him)
Parker: Stop it.
(Eliot is wearing a Santa costume and sitting on the chair in the North Pole with a child on his lap)
Nate: Hey, Eliot. You in the spirit yet?
Eliot (angrily): Ho ho ho. (to child) What do you want for Christmas, kid?
Child: You're not really Santa. Is that a real beard? (pulls on the beard)
Eliot: Hey. Don't.
Child: You smell like my stepdad after he plays basketball. Why's the north pole over here this year? It's usually on the other side by the pretzel stand. They'll put frosting on your pretzels if you ask.
Eliot: All right, look, man. Frosting's gonna give you cavities. Okay? Happy holidays.
(Eliot pushes the boy off his lap but the boy sits back down)
Eliot: Wait! I want a rubbery Robby!
Eliot: You're gonna get a Sammy spanking, you don't get off my lap.
Parker (in silly voice): Don't worry! Santa just hasn't had his morning nog yet!
(the child takes a candy cane from Parker and gets off Santa’s lap)
Parker (to Eliot): You're Santa! Respect the suit!
Eliot: Parker, this beard is itchy! All right? And somebody peed on my lap earlier! And everybody wants a... Rub me Robby.
Parker: "Rubbery Robby." It's a toy.
(another child sits on Eliot’s lap)
Eliot: This is the worst job ever.
Parker: This is the best job ever.
(Hardison and Nate are sitting in the van monitoring the mall)
Hardison: Oh, this is easily one of my favorite missions.
Eliot: Nate, I don't understand—
Eliot: --why you couldn't play Santa.
Nate: Well, you know, Dooley's seen me—
Nate: --first of all, and secondly, you just fit in better with the other Santas.
Eliot: You're the ex-con.
Nate: Yeah, but—
Nate: --you're just so... jolly.
Hardison: Jolly. (laughs)
Eliot: I'm gonna... (looks at child on his lap) I got a lump of coal with your name on it!
Nate: Okay, Sophie, have you made contact with Dooley yet?
Sophie: On our way to the car now. Wow. This guy's right on the edge. I could really do a number on him.
Eliot (to child in his lap): Get up.
Nate: All right, just make sure he doesn't get on that plane.
Nate: And, listen, if you can spook him into calling an audible, go to town. (limo pulls into parking garage) Hardison, here... Here's the real driver.
Hardison: ? See the blazing yule before us fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la? (picks up EMP gun and opens the side door of the van) ? zap the car with e-m-p fa-la-la-la... (shoots the limo) Boom ?
(all the power shuts off in the car and the doors lock)
Chauffer: What's with the power?
(Hardison closes the van door)
Nate: All right.
(the Chauffer tries to use his phone, but it doesn’t work)
Chauffer: Why isn't this working?
(across the garage, Sophie leads Dooley to another car and places his luggage in the trunk)
Chauffer: Come on. Hey, come on!
(Sophie tips her hat at the Chauffer and drives away)
Sophie: Christmas in the tropics, eh? That's no fun.
Dooley: I'd rather be there than here.
Sophie: Oh, not me. It's not the holidays without a chill in the air. Got my whole family coming over from slough. So many details! So many last-minute preparations! Is everything ready? Hmm? Yeah. Is my goose cooked? Is there enough plum pudding for everyone? Don't want to get caught not forgetting someone a present. No, no, no, no, no. That would be a crime.
Dooley (pulls phone): Excuse me. (makes a phone call)Hi. Yeah, it's me. Uh, could you run through it one more time, please? Well, because I want to know that everything is ready.
Sophie: Are you tracking this?
Hardison: No, the signal's encrypted. For a bunch of Santas, they have some damn good tech.
[Mall Employee Lounge]
(Santas are milling about as Eliot looks into the room)
Eliot: Nate, these guys aren't talking on their phones. Maybe Dooley's working with somebody else.
Dooley: Don't tell me to calm down! All right, I'm the one who... I'm the one who's putting himself on the line. Okay. All right. Excuse me, miss, uh, could you hurry? I really need to make my flight.
Sophie: You're the boss.
(Sophie tightens her own seat belt and hits a button to release Dooley’s seat belt. Dooly tries to refasten his seat belt but it won’t stay latched)
Dooley: Oh. Uh, excuse me, miss? There's something wrong with...
(Sophie speeds up and swerves the car toward the side of the road)
Dooley: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! Hey! Hey!
(the car crashes into a cement barrier. Sophie is unhurt, but Dooly is unconscious)
Sophie: Flight's delayed.
[Mall Employee Lounge]
(Eliot walks into the room and closes the door)
Santa: What's up? What's up with him?
(Eliot walks over to the coffee maker and pours himself a cup)
Santa: Where'd you come from? And don't say "the north pole."
Eliot: Relax. I'm on the team. Dooley brought me in. Little extra help for the job tonight.
Santa: Good. We could use the extra muscle.
Eliot: Where do you want me?
Santa (hands him a bell): Front and center.
Eliot (ringing bell): Ho ho ho. Give to the needy. 'Tis the season.
Nate: Boy, Eliot, come on. You're not gonna get any donations like that. Put some heart into it.
Eliot: I don't understand why I can't just—
Eliot: --take these guys out. All right? I took out a Uruguayan death squad with nothing but piano wire and a... (sees a child looking at him) What? Santa stuff, man. You got any money? Get the hell on!
Nate: Listen, there will be plenty of clobbering time once the job begins.
Nate: We just have a couple of hours before the mall closes, so relax... I'll bring you a pretzel.
(elsewhere a man chuckles while a laptop shows an image of Eliot playing Santa)
(Sophie is sitting at Dooley’s bedside twirling her hat)
Woman on P.A: Dr. Raymond Jack to cardiology. Dr. Raymond Jack to cardiology.
Dooley: I... I have to catch my flight.
Sophie: Oh, you're not going anywhere, I'm afraid, not in your condition.
Dooley: You don't understand, I have to get out of town.
Sophie: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down. Do you know how lucky you are? The universe must have a plan for you.
Dooley: No, not me. I am beyond saving.
Sophie: No one's beyond saving, Mr. Dooley. Not at Christmas time.
Dooley (hits button): More morphine. Mm.More drugs.
Eliot: Why don't you help out the needy, man? I got a quota to fill here.
Nate: Yeah. Ho, ho, ho.
(Woman walks up and uses a card reader on the bucket to make a donation)
Eliot: How you doing? Merry Christmas.
Nate: They got credit cards for those things?
Eliot: I don't know, man. I guess it's more convenient these days.
Hardison: I got to get a picture of this.
Eliot: Damn the jokes, man. I will knock you out with this bell, man. I'm serious.
Hardison: Hey, man, come on.
(backs under an archway, looking at his phone which shows that an RF transceiver is nearby)
Hardison: Hey, man, this thing's got an RFID antenna.
Nate: Radio frequency I.D.? Maybe to prevent shoplifting.
(picks up a purse and passes it through the archway)
Nate: Or not.
Parker: Guys, those are at every exit. Do you think they're connected to the robbery?
Nate: Not a physical robbery.
(Nate looks around and sees all the buckets with card readers)
Santa: Thank you. Merry Christmas.
Nate: It's virtual.
Eliot: So you're saying this thing's bigger than we thought.
Nate: Guys, this whole mall is an identity sponge. Between the kettle and the RFID readers, Dooley's collecting thousands of credit and debit numbers through the holiday season.
Hardison: Yeah, Christmas Eve is the peak time for credit-card activity. These companies' defenses, they're overwhelmed by all the last-minute transactions in the system, so they're up all night trying to process the backlog.
Parker: So fraudulent charges aren't gonna flag.
Eliot: Yeah, but credit-card holders are only liable for, what, 50 bucks a fraud?
Nate: Well, per incident.
Parker: Yeah, if there's hundreds of incidents and hundreds of transactions on every card.
Nate: When the stores close tonight, Dooley and his team are gonna rip off millions of dollars, and no one will even notice. He's stealing Christmas.
(Nate gestures to Eliot, who runs off)
Dooley: I was just trying to stay afloat. What am I supposed to do?
Sophie: Credit card frauds?
Nate: Sophie, find out how Dooley's—
Nate: --pulling the trigger. He's got to be working with a hacker.
Sophie: He's right on the edge. I think I can turn him. Get him to call the whole thing off.
Nate: Well, hurry up.
Nate: We might be too late already.
(Sophie pulls her phone and makes a call)
Sophie: Hello? How quickly can you get to Boston Common Hospital?
(some time later, Dooley wakes up to see Sophie pushing the button on his morphine IV. The sound of Santa laughing rings through the room)
Frank (enters room dressed as Santa): Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Well... If it isn't Ebenezer Dooley. Taken a little tumble, have we?
Dooley: What are you doing here?
Sophie: Children in hospitals need toys, too. You look like you could use a... Rubbery Robby doll. (Places doll on the bed)
Dooley: I fired you. Why would you be kind to me?
Frank: Oh, Santa doesn't hold grudges. Mm. But there is something I want to talk to you about. Credit-card fraud, Eben? On Christmas Eve?
Dooley: What? What are you? How do you know?
Frank: Santa knows everything. He's got a list.
Dooley: Okay, what are you? What... Are you the real Santa? You know?
(Sophie pushes button on morphine drip several more times)
Dooley: You know what I did?
Frank: Ho, ho, ho.
Dooley: I want... I want to be nice, Santa. I don't want to be naughty.
Frank: Well, then you know what you have to do!
Sophie: Call off your hacker, and Santa will pretend this never happened.
Sophie: Here. (hands Dooley his phone)
Dooley: Oh. (takes phone, it starts ringing) That's him now. (answers phone) Yeah. Hey. Hi. Yeah, I want you to stop. Turn it off. I don't want to go through... Mm? I don't... He wants to talk to Sophie Devereaux.
(Sophie looks uncomfortable, but takes the phone)
Sophie: Who is this?
Chaos: Hello, Sophie. It's the Grinch who stole Christmas.
Chaos: Long time, no try to kill you.
(Sophie raising the vase with the bomb over her head and dropping it as she runs for the door. Her apartment explodes)
Hardison: Now, this here's Colin Mason. Otherwise known by his hacker handle as "Chaos."
Chaos: There's no way I'm gonna try to out-con Sophie Devereaux!
Chaos: Hello, Sophie.
Chaos: I take it that…
(watching Nate, Hardison and Parker on his monitor)
Chaos: …via your comms, I'm talking to the entire Justice League?
(Hardison plugs his phone into the card reader on the bucket)
Nate: Hello, Chaos. I thought we left you rotting in a federal prison.
Chaos: Oh, come on. Those things are made to be broken out of. You of all people know that.
Chaos: Especially one that runs its security off an unencrypted operating system. Am I right, Hardison?
Chaos: Oh, and, uh, Parker? You look yummy in that elf costume.
(the team looks around trying to locate Chaos)
Hardison: Hey. The Santas.
(all of the Santas working the buckets have disappeared)
Nate: Come on.
[Mall Employee Lounge]
(Eliot bursts into the room)
Eliot: They're gone.
(Eliot walks to the table and checks one of the mugs)
Chaos: Hey, guys, their cocoa's still warm.
Chaos: They can't be far... Y'all. Damn it, Hardison.
[Mall Employee Lounge]
(Eliot leaves the room)
Chaos: Don't bother trying to chase us.
Chaos: All the pieces are in place for my credit-card catastrophe. And there is nothing that you or that waste of painkillers—
Chaos: --Eben Dooley, can do about it.
Chaos: Oh, and, Hardison? This is a nice gun. (picks up Hardison’s EMP gun) Maybe if I'm a good boy, Santa will bring me one.
(Hardison and Nate run into the garage in time to see Chaos open the rear door of his van and point it at Hardison’s van.)
Hardison: Oh, Lucille two!
(the interior of Hardison’s van catches fire as Chaos drives away)
Chaos: Ho, ho, ho!
Hardison: Come on, man!
Nate: What, he set the E.M.P. on "toast"?
Hardison: He killed her, Nate. I hate him. I hate him.
Nate: She was a good van. We'll get you another.
(Eliot rips a card reader of one of the buckets)
Child: Santa is so angry.
Eliot: How's he gonna pull this off?
Hardison: Okay, look, his network is piggybacking off of the city's trunk line. It's the Internet backbone. Eliot, you can rip all you want, man, but you're not shutting Chaos down from here.
(Hardison looks down at his phone)
Hardison: He pulled the trigger.
Nate: Then every second that we delay, innocent people are getting scammed. So the only way to turn Chaos off...
Hardison: Is to turn off the trunk line. Which is housed at... (checks his phone) the Yakamoto building.
Eliot: Hardison, that's a major operation on a military-grade facility. I can call my sources, man. I need a week of planning, new equipment...
Nate: All right, Sophie, meet us at the Yakamoto building downtown. We're gonna pull an Edward Albee.
[Yakamoto Building Lobby]
(the sound of a car impacting with the building brings the security guard to the door)
Nate: Get out of the way...
Guard: Are you folks okay?
Nate: Yeah, yeah, no...
(Nate places tape on the door lock)
Guard: This is a restricted area.
Nate: I had a little too much eggnog. I might have hit your building.
(Sophie follows Nate in, yelling at him)
Nate: It's all right. Keep her away from me!
Sophie: It's another red-brick building! You know who lives in a red-brick building? My sister!
(Parker and Hardison rappel quickly down the shaft)
(elevator doors open and they come to a stop on top of the elevator)
Parker: Fifth floor!
Hardison: You know what? That was not on my bucket list, okay?
Parker: Oh, come on! Do you know how many chimneys Santa has to go down tonight? You only had to go down one.
(guard pushes Sophie against the wall to keep her away from Nate)
Sophie: How many times have you been over there, huh? At my sister's?
(Sophie picks the guard’s pocket and passes a card to Nate, who passes it to Eliot)
Sophie: Every five minutes, sneaking over to see my sister, huh? Every chance he gets...
Guard: Take it easy, stop!
Sophie: He's over at my sister's.
Guard: Ma'am? Ma'am?
(Eliot runs up the stairs)
Hardison: You know what? When this is over, we gonna have us a long talk. (checks phone) Okay, server room is that way.)
[Security Control Room]
Eliot sneaks up behind the guard watching the monitors and puts him in a choke hold until he passes out)
Eliot: Merry Christmas, Bud. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!
(Nate and Sophie walking toward the exit)
Sophie: I love you, baby.
Nate: I love you, too.
Sophie: I'm sorry.
Nate: Ah, that's okay.
Sophie: My sister, she's not even cute.
Nate: I don't even like her.
(Parker and Hardison are walking down the hall, Hardison looking to his cell phone for direction. They stop before a door with an electric lock)
[Security Control Room]
(Eliot uses a retinal scanner on the guard which unlocks the computer. He lets the guard fall and tosses a candy can down on him)
Eliot: Sorry, Bud. Get some overtime.
(Eliot types on the computer)
Eliot: Server-room alarm is off.
(door lock beeps Hardison and Parker enter)
(Parker reaches up to touch a wire but Hardison stops her)
Hardison: Don't touch anything.
[Security Control Room]
(Eliot leaves a candy cane on the desk and exits)
(Hardison walks down an aisle, watching his phone. He looks up at one of the servers)
Hardison: Nate, man, this is like trying to plug a fire hose with a pebble. (pulls a laptop from inside his jacket)
Nate: Hardison, are you saying you can't do it?
Hardison: When have I ever said that?
(Hardison begins typing on the laptop, uploading a worm into the system)
Parker: He's in. (to Hardison) You're in, right?
Hardison (watching display): Yeah. Just have to find the sector with the mall so we don't shut down the whole city. All right, Chaos, this is for Lucille two.
(hits keys necessary to take the mall offline)
Hardison: Oh, you can keep knocking, but you ain't coming in.
Parker: Yeah, okay. We should probably... Shall we?
Hardison: Yeah. Ciao.
(Nate is looking at the monitors while the others are in the kitchen drinking beer)
Sophie: Well, people, not bad, huh? For like, what was it? 8 minutes of planning?
Eliot: I feel bad I had to take out the guard, though. I left him a candy cane.
Parker: That's all right. I-I feel like caroling. Is it too late for caroling?
Sophie: Of course not.
Eliot: It's still Christmas Eve.
(Hardison brings Nate a beer)
Hardison: Hey, man. What's the matter? Come on, we did just take down one of the most secure facilities in town. Boom... (holds hand up for fist bump) Don't leave me hangin'.
Nate: Every law-enforcement agency is descending them Yakamoto right now.
Hardison: Come on.
Nate (still watching display): Why would the Treasury Department be sending a car? I mean, why would they be interested in some neighborhood losing their Internet access?
Hardison: I-I don't know. Uh, trunk lines can't be hacked. The government could use them for a security application, theoretically.
Nate: Yeah. Call up the mall.
(Hardison hits his remote)
Nate: Now, when you shut off the lines to the mall, you also shut off the depository. Yeah. That's it right there. Okay, guys, we just got played.
(Chaos and his Santas approach the mall doors and look across the street at the Depository)
Chaos: Gentlemen, the federal bank depository is ours.
(Chaos’ phone displays ‘Depository Security Disabled’)
Chaos: 'Tis the season to be jolly.
Hardison: How do you not think to ask your sources what else is on that trunk line?
Eliot: How come you didn't figure out Chaos was after the bank, man? I thought all you dorks thought alike!
Hardison: I did my job, man!
Eliot: You want to see me do mine?
Parker: Your job is to deliver magic and joy to little boys and girls.
Sophie: Wow, I thought Christmas at Aunt Emily's was humiliating.
Eliot: You got to check every... every avenue!
Hardison: I did check every avenue!
Nate: Enough! We all did our jobs! Everyone except me.
(Chaos and Santas approach the North Pole and move Santa’s chair)
Nate: Now, Chaos, he manipulated us because we're the best. Now, my job is to see two steps ahead.
Nate: I-I should have realized that this credit-card scam was a setup... I didn't.
(Santas open a hatch in the floor and lower a ladder)
(Santas descend, handing bags down)
Chaos: This way.
Santa 1: Nate Ford's crew really came through for us.
Chaos: I knew they would. All I had to do was set up the dominoes.
(Chaos sitting in Dooley’s office, pouring drinks)
Chaos: Then my mesh network maxes out the credit cards, and the cash rolls in. It's the answer to your prayers.
Dooley: Tell me again about the money.
(Chaos watches Frank ejected from the mall and approaches him, dressed like an elf. He helps Frank to his feet)
Chaos: He can't treat you like this. I know somebody who can help. (hands him a business card) Ask for Nate Ford.
Chaos: He's very dependable, that Nate Ford.
Nate: I-I-I didn't take this job seriously. I-I don't know. I just, um, I led us right into Chaos' trap.
(Nate takes some things from a briefcase and tosses a phone to Hardison)
Sophie: We were all thrown.
Nate: Yes, but it's my job not to be. I'm sorry.
Sophie: You're what?
Parker: Christmas Eve is a magical night.
Eliot: Well, you just ruined it.
Nate: Okay. The plan is... to figure out the plan in the car.
(the team heads for the door)
(Chaos points to a wall and the Santas begin unloading tools from the bags. Chaos opens his computer)
Chaos: Hold up.
(Chaos checks his computer, sees that the motion sensors are off)
Chaos: We're good to go. Now, fellas, don't get greedy. Only take the first 50 million.
(Santas start tools and begin cutting through the wall
(Parker is looking at the Depository building through binoculars)
Nate: Any visual on Chaos?
Parker: No sign of entry. No roof access. They must have gone in underneath.
Hardison: No. Tunneling's too risky. It would have taken months.
Nate: Unless the tunnel was already there. Back in the '60s, pedestrian tunnels were sort of the wave of the future. The mob made a fortune on the contracts until the state shut them down.
Sophie: And you got this from your days in insurance.
Nate: Oh, no, my dad's pals, they used to joke about going to live in the tunnels when their wives kicked them out.
Parker: So how do we get in?
Child: Why is the North Pole over here this year? It's usually on the other side by the pretzel stand.
Eliot: The North Pole.
Eliot: The entrance is under the North Pole. Let's go.
(team heads for the North Pole)
(Chaos and his Santas are loading stacks of cash into their bags)
Chaos: All right, you guys. Let's go. 'Tis the season to move your asses.
(Santas pick up their bags and exit)
(Frank dressed as Santa, Dooley, and many families gather around the Christmas Tree)
Dooley: Okay, let's all line up at the North Pole! Santa's got presents for everybody!
Dooley: Hey, driver lady! And pushy consultant guy! You're just in time.
Frank: Wait. Pull up the beard, son. Respect the suit.
(Eliot pulls up his beard)
Parker: Told ya.
Nate: What's going on, Frank?
Frank: The toys for Tykes Drive is back on... Thanks to Mr. Dooley.
Dooley: Yeah, it's still Christmas Eve, and I said to Santa, it's not too late to make those kids' dreams come true. (walks away)
Frank: Drove a bus to the family shelter and loaded everyone up. At first, I thought it was the pills, but now I think he's really changed. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Nate: Eliot, go meet Chaos in the tunnels. The rest of you got some last-minute shopping to do.
(the team splits up)
Chaos: Well, if it isn't Kristina Kringle.
Eliot: Chaos. You killed my friend's van.
Chaos: Oh yeah, I wrecked that van. Take him out, guys. Meet me at the garage.
Santa: All right.
(the Santas drop their bags at the side of the tunnel)
Eliot: We're doing this beards or without beards, boys?
(Santas attack, but Eliot fends them off. One after another he takes them down until only one is left)
Eliot: Santa's coming to town.
Nate: Yes, I'm calling about the attack on the trunk lines.
(Eliot continues to fight the remaining Santa. One of the other Santas get up to join the fight, but Eliot kicks him down. The remaining Santa grabs Eliot and pushes him down the tunnel into a steam vent, which explodes throwing steam across the tunnel)
Eliot, what's happening?
(Eliot can’t get past the steam. The Santas pick up their bags and start running)
Santa 1: Let's go!
Nate: Eliot. Eliot, what's happening? Eliot?
Eliot: Nate, they're headed back to the mall.
Nate: Okay, I'll take it from here.
(Eliot runs the opposite way down the tunnel)
(one of the Santas opens the trap door and climbs up)
Santa 1: Hurry up! Chaos is waiting!
(Santas pass up the bags as the rest of them join the first one at the North Pole)
Santa 1: Come on. Give me your bag.
(down the hall, the children catch sight of the Santas)
Children: Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa!
(the Santas stop, surprised as the children surround them)
Frank: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Dooley: All right.That's right, kids. The Santas have brought toys for everybody!
Frank: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
(Police cars pull up outside, officers rushing in)
(sirens are heard. The Santas see Nate, Sophie and Parker standing at the edge of the crowd and behind them, police come into the mall)
Parker: Parker: Come on, spread the holiday cheer!
Frank: Now, you heard the elf.
Santa 1: You can't make me.
Frank: No. But they can.
(children rush forward and rip the bags from the Santas hands)
Santa 1: Hey, hey!
(a bag spills presents across the floor)
Dooley: Go on, kids. Dig in.
Santa 2: Where's the money? (looking in bag and seeing only presents) What is this stuff? This is crazy.
Santa 3: This is a doll, man. What happened to the money?
(Hardison, Parker and Sophie grab the gifts from the Tykes Drive and place them in red bags identical to those used to hold the money from the Depository. While Eliot is fighting the Santas, Hardison and Parker go into the tunnel and exchanges the money filled bags for the present filled bags. When the Santa throws Eliot down the hall, Eliot deliberately rips off the steam bags, allowing the Santas to get away with the bags of presents)
Santa 3: What happened to the money?
Frank: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho!
(Parker approaches one of the FBI agents that have entered the mall)
Parker: Special Agent Hagen. You must have gotten my handler's call. Deep cover. You're gonna find the stolen cash under the tunnel.
Santa 1 (passing out gifts): Here you go.
Dooley: Come on. Everyone gets one.
Frank: Come on, Santas. Pass it out. Pass it out. What did you get?
Parker (stops the FBI agent): Wait. Wait for the kids to leave. We don't want to ruin Christmas.
Frank: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
(the Santas continue to pass out presents as everyone watches)
Dooley: Oh, Santa, how are we gonna top this next year, huh?
Frank: Do you mean I have my job back?
Dooley: I think this mall could use a Santa year-round.
Frank: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! You are high on the holiday spirit.
Dooley: Yes, I am! And pills mixed with morphine. I can't believe you let me drive here.
Frank: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
(Eliot climbs up from the trap door)
Child: So, are you mean or not?
(Eliot reaches into a bag and pulls out a Rubbery Robby, giving it to the child)
Eliot: Shh. Don't tell anybody.
(fingers slide through a grating, grabbing it and moving it aside. Chaos lifts a bag out and sets it on the floor before climbing out)
Chaos: Sorry, Santas, but the Grinch has a plane to catch.
(Hardison is waiting wearing an FBI jacket and standing with many other FBI agents)
Hardison: What's up, Mason?
Chaos: Oh, come on.
(Chaos turns to run, but he is tackled by an FBI agent. Money from his bag spills onto the floor)
(Hardison tosses a tracking bug into the bag Chaos is carrying in the tunnels beneath him)
(Hardison holds up the tracking bug he’d planted. Chaos rolls his eyes.
Hardison: Okay. Hey, be careful with him, all right? I mean, he looks harmless, pathetic even, weak chin, pale complexion, but I assure you, he's dangerous.
Chaos: You have to admit, it was a good plan.
Hardison: Yeah. But there's one thing you didn't count on.
Chaos: Oh, no.
Hardison: You forgot about the true meaning...
Chaos: No. No. Don't you say it!
Hardison: ...of Christmas.
Chaos: Aah! That barely applies here!
FBI Agent 1: Let's go.
FBI Agent 2: Come on!
Hardison: Ho, ho, ho.
(Nate is pouring champagne for everyone)
Hardison: Hey, pardon my language on Christmas, but, uh, we kicked Chaos' ass.
Nate: Yes, we did. Here's to that.
Parker (to Eliot): Hey, so when are you gonna take that off?
Sophie: The whole Santa beard, didn't do it for me.
Nate: Sorry. Hey, listen. This being Christmas Eve and all, um, Sophie and I, we thou--well, me mostly--Sophie definitely helped. We thought, and by the way, there's no need to reciprocate, mind you. It's--but we thought--
Sophie: We got you presents.
Eliot: You bought us gifts?
Sophie: Well, I wouldn't say "bought," exactly. Mm. We, um, "obtained."
Nate: Yeah. So, Eliot... You're first.
(Nate picks up a sheathed sword from behind the bar and hands it to Eliot, who has a reverent look on his face. Eliot takes it and unsheathes the blade a few inches)
Eliot: This is a Hanzo sword.
Eliot: How'd... Who did you talk... (trying not to smile)
Nate: Well, I-I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a samurai.
(Sophie reaches behind the bar and picks up a wrapped box)
(Hardison takes the box and opens it. Eliot sheaths the sword and walks away)
Hardison: No, this can't be. (inspects the item) It is. Prototype 7. They haven't even released version 5 yet.
Sophie: Well, I won't tell if you won't.
Hardison: You better believe it.
(Parker looks at them nervously, Nate just grins)
Sophie: Don't torture her.
Nate: Okay. All right, Parker, you're next. Put your hands out.
(Nate puts an envelope in her hands. She looks inside)
Parker: How did you know? (she pulls out a stack of cash) Nonsequential serial numbers? My favorite! (hurries away)
(Eliot uses his sword to cut a chair in half)
(Hardison is playing with his gadget. Parker is smelling her money)
Nate: You know, I got something for you, too.
Sophie: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Nate: Yeah, you're right.
Sophie: Give it to me quick.
Nate: Here you are.
(Sophie opens the present to see an ID bracelet)
Sophie: "Your name here."
Nate: You know, you don't have to get me anything. In fact, I'd prefer if you didn't. I'm very hard to shop for, so...
Sophie: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! I, uh... I'm gonna give you something. (writes on a napkin) There's something for you. Merry Christmas.
Nate: Merry Christmas.
(outside, snow begins to fall. Parker sees it and walks to the door, barely missing getting sliced by Eliot’s sword. She stands in the window looking out, then opens the door and stands beneath the snow fall. She looks back inside. Nate, Sophie and Hardison smile at her. Eliot scowls and walks away. Parker lifts her face to the snow and catches a snowflake on her tongue)