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Leverage Main | When Darkness Falls

4x12 The Office Job

[HR Office]

(Hal walks through a busy office to Felicia’s office and walks in)

Felicia: Hey! Hal.

Hal: F'leesh. Head of HR, calling me in to see her, awfully formal.

(Felicia gestures for Hal to sit down)

Hal: Oh, wait, did I already missthe brownies you brought in?

Felicia: Hal… Something's come up. I-- This just isn't fair.

Hal: Are you kidding me? Bartley is driving this place into the ground! Company I spent my life building up! Can't even do his own dirty work, can he?

Felicia: I give him six months before he asks me to fire myself.

(Hal storms from the office)

Hal: Bartley!

Felicia: Hal?

[Good Cheer Offices]

Hal: You and I both know why this is happening now! Get out here! (heading through office toward Bartley’s office)

Employee: What's going on?

Hal: Get out here and tell me to my face!

(two men grab Hal and begin pulling him back down the hallway)

Hal: Bartley! Hey! Let go of me!

Man: All right, that's enough.

Hal: Bartley!

[Bartley’s Office]

(Bartley is sitting at the computer, football paraphernalia scattered around him)

Computer: Enter your fantasy football pick in two minutes.

[McRory’s Bar]

Nate (looking at papers): You think he's embezzling?

Hal: It's all I can come up with. I found some irregularities in the company books, mentioned the discrepancies to Bartley privately, and I'm let go within a week.

Nate: Not exactly the work of a criminal mastermind.

Hal: Mr. Ford, I helped Fred Bartley's father and grandfather build good share cards off from a store front on Grand Avenue in Montvale, Mass., to be the best independent brand in the region.

Nate: Okay, so, I get it, you want to be part of the payday when Heartfelt comes in and buys them out. It shouldn't be too hard.

Hal: Maybe I came to the wrong place.

Nate: What do you mean?

Hal: This is about the company, Mr. Ford, and the whole town, not me. Fred Bartley, the CEO, has Good Cheer in a tailspin. Company keeps going the way he's taking it, a year from now, Montvale's a ghost town. This Heartfelt buyout, that could save us.

Nate (hesitates, thinking): You've come to the right place.

[Leverage HQ]

Hardison: Hey, guys, I got bad news and bad news, so I'll start with the bad news.

(Hardison sets a bottle of orange soda on the desk. Eliot looks down at it. Hardison begins his presentation on the monitors)

Hardison: Good Cheer was already a sinking ship, having nothing to do with the CEO's embezzlement.

(Eliot reaches over and picks up the bottle of soda and sets it in front of him)

Hardison: I mean, it's certainly not helping, but one division fails after the other like clockwork. (sees that Eliot has his soda) Y--you know that was mine.

Eliot: Oh, I thought you got it for me.

Hardison: Oh, really?

Eliot: Yeah.

(Hardison tries to grab the soda, but Eliot keeps it away from him)

Eliot: What, I can't enjoy an orange soda?

Hardison: No, you can't.

Eliot: Huh?

Hardison: Don't think I don't see what you're doing.

Parker: What is he doing?

Eliot: Shut up.

Hardison: This make us even now?

Nate: Okay, guys, guys. The town of Montvale, Massachusetts, built upon the success of Good Cheer Greeting Card Company. Everything from the offices to their printing operation, warehouse, shipping – they are the local economy.

Eliot: So basically it's a mill town.

Nate: Yeah, so –

Hardison: Yeah, except this mill has a good chance of being bought out by Heartfelt cards at the end of the week, which is a great win for Good Cheer.

Parker: Yeah, as long as this embezzlement scam doesn't get in the way.

Hardison: Yeah. Now, the CEO, Fred Bartley, is a washed-up quarterback, grandson of Good Cheer's founder. He was a blue-chip ballplayer until he injured his back.

Sophie: Let's run the wicked stepsister. It's perfect.

Nate: No, t-that's way too involved, Sophie. No, no. No, I'm thinking about something simpler, actually. For us to maybe, uh... (looks at Sophie) What is -- what are you –

Sophie: What? Nothing. (makes a check mark in a small book)

Eliot: This guy's buying up a bunch of expensive office equipment, supplies. The thing is, it never gets dropped off.

Hardison: Or it costs much less than it says on the books. Bartley has got to be pocketing the difference.

Nate: All right, the thing about it is, Heartfelt, they thrive on their sparkling good, clean image, so if we can expose the CEO of Good Cheer before Good Cheer does their presentation for Heartfelt on Friday, then that still gives them enough cover to go ahead with the buyout, doesn't it?

Sophie: Yeah, Heartfelt pulls Good Cheer into their warm embrace…

Nate: Saving a town and a company.

Hardison: All right. High-five for morale.

(Hardison reaches to high-five Eliot. When Eliot lifts his hand, Eliot takes the bottle of soda)

Hardison: My damn soda.

[Parking Lot]

(team walks toward building, dressed professionally)

Nate: Okay, Sophie, you and Parker are gonna entertain them all while Eliot and Hardison get the evidence we need.

Sophie: Um...

(Sophie pulls on Nate’s too loose tie, and he tightens it)

Nate: Oh.

[Good Cheer Offices]

(Bartley walks out of his office as Nate and the others approach)

Nate (to woman): Hello! Yes. Hi. I am –

(woman walks away without a word)

Bartley: Oh, hey, don't mind her. Don't mind her, Mr. Meeker. No, we've just never hired a-an efficiency team before.

Nate: Oh. (shakes Bartley’s hand)

Bartley: Yeah. But your bid was, uh, so much lower than all the other consultants'.

Nate: Yeah, well, I mean, it's really nothing to work with. Kind of goes with the territory, uh, Mr. Bartley. Yeah, no, my associates and I, we're just here simply to survey your operative infrastructure and shake up the creative process and fortify the IT. And--and then we'll, uh, determine and strengthen and streamline your vertical fluidity, you know, from the top down and the bottom up, and then we're good to go.

Bartley: Cool. Cool. Like the scrimmage before a big game.

Nate: Ha ha! Yeah, if that helps you.

(Parker laughs, the others hide their snickers)

Nate: Okay, let's go to work, guys.

(the others move away while Nate and Sophie go with Bartley)

Bartley: Cool.

Nate: So...

Bartley: Uh-huh.

Nate: If you could show us around a little bit.

Bartley: Okay, so, we'll just, uh, we'll roll off a couple copies of your paperwork here.

[Copy Room]

(Bartley leads Nate and Sophie into the copy room)

Felicia: I'm sorry, Mr. Bartley. The copier is still broken.

Nate: Oh, not a good start. Joe Meeker of Meeker Efficiency Consulting. (holds his hand to Felicia to shake)

Felicia (shaking hand): Felicia from HR. (looks at Bartley) Would you excuse me? (to Barbley) Could we...?

Nate: Sure. No. Yeah.

(Felicia leads Bartley away)

Nate: It's a solid copier, Mr. Meeker.

Felicia: You should have told me about having an efficiency team here this week.

[Good Cheer Offices]

Felicia: I mean, you asked me to set up a shared calendar. What a week for you to decide not to check it.

Bartley: Felicia, do you have any of those brownies?

(Felicia looks frustrated)

Bartley: Look, I just--I just want to put our best team on the field for the Heartfelt meeting. I-I'm not sure what the problem is with that.

Felicia: The documentary-film crew is here this week.

(Felicia points across the room where Gunter and his camera man are near the water cooler)

Gunter: I love this visual metaphor. Water leeches out, spiraling down the drain, like dreams.

(Nate approaches Gunter)

Nate: Hey, there. Joe Meeker. Meeker Efficiency Consulting. How are you?

Gunter: Noted German documentary filmmaker Gunter Hanzig. You have seen my films.

Nate: Who hasn't?

Gunter: "Christmas, Incorporated"... "Dairy Of A Snow Leopard."

Nate: Mm-ha. Maybe that's "Diary." "Diary Of A Snow Leopard."

Gunter: Ahhhhhh. You like it?

Nate: Well, honor to meet you.

Gunter: Ah, this latest masterpiece of mine is a documentary about American small businesses, you know, the oil that lubricates the capitalist engine.

Nate: You're doing a documentary about Good Cheer?

Gunter: What better metaphor for the modern society than a company that sells joy struggling to survive? It's just like the water in the cooler. I'm nowhere, I'm everywhere. I'm just a tourist in the harsh reality of Good Cheer.

(Gunter claps, laughs, says something in German to his camera man, and moves away)

Nate: Okay, guys, slight complication.

[Break Room]

Parker: You think? (begins eating chips)

[Good Cheer Offices]

Sophie (coming out of a side room): We have to delay, wait till the cameras have gone.

Nate: No, no. We do not delay.

(Sophie pulls the notebook from her pocket and makes another check mark)

Ellie: Good Cheer Greeting Card Company. This is Ellie. How may I help you?

[Monitor Room]

(Hardison is standing in front of a bank of monitors)

Hardison: Guys, Heartfelt gets here in less than three days. Look, if Bartley's embezzlement comes to light once they've already bought this place up—

Nate: --they'll drop Good Cheer in a flash.

[Good Cheer Offices]

Nate: No, no, we can't, uh, delay. If the company goes down, then the town is gonna go down. We have no time to delay. No, there's only one thing we can do. Only one thing.

[Interview Room]

Nate: Okay. Mm. What is that, uh, expression you guys say? Uh, "roll camera"? Hmm?

Gunter: Don't address me directly.

[Good Cheer Offices]

(Bartley stands in the center of the office, surrounded by employees and the Leverage team)

Bartley: Now, I'm here to introduce you to some new friends of the program. First and foremost, we have Mr. Joseph Meeker of Meeker Efficiency...

Nate: Consulting.

Bartley: Consulting. And he and his guys are here to prepare us for victory. Time to determine which of you is here to score the winning touchdown and take the ball –

(employee yawns)

Nate: Okay, yeah. Thanks. Who here wants to take Good Cheer to the next level, restore it to its former glory, huh?

(various employees raise their hands)

Bartley: Yes! Yes!

Nate: All right, let's do it.

(employees clap)

Bartley: Clap it up. Well done, "Meeks."

[Interview Room]

Nate: I, um, I just thought that I'd make the introductions myself. Uh, Ms. Crystal, she, uh, she's our emotioneer. Yeah, and what she'll be doing is she'll be leading the team through some, uh, some creative exercises.

[Meeting Room]

Sophie: Now, everybody take a finger. Um, the index works well. But the pinky's good for smaller cavities.

(employees hold up a finger)

Sophie: And just -- just stick it into your partner's ear. Just -- now, don't be shy. Don't be afraid. We're gonna break through barriers today. Just stick your finger in your partner's ear.

(employees turn to their partners and put their fingers in the other person’s ear)

Sophie: That's it. Lovely.

[Interview Room]

Nate: She's obviously brilliant. Next up, we got, uh, Mindy Hoffman, and she, uh, she's gonna be observing the card writers.

[Good Cheer Offices]

(Parker sitting with card writers, looking at cards)

Parker: "Happy Anniversary," "Happy Hanukkah," "Happy Graduation." You know, I'm seeing a lot of "happy" here. Aren't people tired of the same card, the same positive message over and over again?

(Jennifer sighs and walks away)

Parker: Yeah. Jennifer not too happy, huh? Not too happy.

[Interview Room]

Nate: And next up is Mr. Gates, our IT guy -- no relation. And, then, uh, Mr. Dennis, he's our, uh, infrastructure guy.

[Good Cheer Offices]

(Hardison and Eliot standing near a pile of office supplies)

[Interview Room]

Nate: Efficiency is knowing what everyone's place is on the team.

[Good Cheer Offices]

Felicia (sitting with other employees): Efficiency just means more of us are getting fired.

(the water cooler bubles)

[Meeting Room]

Sophie: This is what we in the business call the circle of trust.

(a woman crosses her arms and prepares to fall into a coworker’s arms)

Sophie: Now, which of you is the head writer?

(the head writer moves away from the woman as she falls, and she hits the floor)

Sophie: Oh. Whoopsy Daisy. She -- she -- she was a bit too trusting.

(Bartley and Nate enter the room)

Sophie: Now, you -- you've lost the power of...

Nate: Hey. Yeah. Hey. (gestures toward Sophie)

Bartley: Uh, a little touchy-feely, huh?

Nate: Well, I mean, you know, you wouldn't send a player in to do something a coach wouldn't do himself, would you? So go, yeah.

Sophie: Blindfolds, ladies and gentlemen. Imagine a world where you cannot see, you can only feel. Oh, Mr. Bartley! What a surprise!

Bartley: Hey. Yeah.

Sophie: You can have a blindfold. (hands him a blindfold, then to another employee) Could you hand these around, please? Now, look. We're going to tap into our primal emotions. We're gonna act like monkeys. Here's an interesting fact about monkeys. Each member contributes to the pack. That's what we are today, a pack. Now, everybody down on all fours. Come on. Don't be shy. Down on all fours.

(employees get down on the floor as Nate watches)

Sophie: And I want you to hop like a monkey. Do monkeys hop? Or is that a bunny?

(Employees begin hopping)

[Bartley’s Office]

(Hardison and Eliot entering the office)

Nate: Okay, guys, we're clear. See what you can find in Bartley's office.

(Eliot moves to close the door and it hits the camera)

Eliot: Sorry.

Hardison: Yeah, I'm just searching for evidence of embarrassment or, you know, something like that. Mr. Dennis here is gonna go search for any fragile activity.

Eliot: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. (in low voice) What am I checking for?

Hardison: Anything fragile..."Ent."

Eliot: Oh.

[Good Cheer Offices]

Sophie: All right. A bunny-monkey. A bunny-monkey. Now, everybody, come on. We're gonna -- we're gonna switch it up. Take my hand. We're gonna leave this corporate prison behind us.

(employees stand up, their hands out)

Sophie: You're gonna travel with me to the corners of the world.

Nate (to Sophie): You might want to ease off a bit. It seems like one of your crazy acting classes. Just --

(Sophie) pulls Nate’s tie down and leads the employees out of the meeting room into the office)

Sophie (singing): La la la la la, ooh! La la la la la, ooh!

[Interview Room]

Sophie: He gave you that rubbish about everybody having a place? I -- you kn-- he likes to put everybody in their place. That's -- you know, just last week, I started keeping a record -- yeah, a record -- of every time he blatantly disrespects my contributions. (holds up notebook and shows contents) I mean, this is a week.

[Good Cheer Offices]

Nate: Well done, team.

Sophie: Everybody bunny-hop. Here we go. Hop.

Nate: Hop. Hopping.

Sophie: Ohh!

[Interview Room]

Sophie (flipping through notebook): Oh, this is the time he told me that my English accent wasn't convincing. I -- this one -- yeah. He sent me out for a pint of milk. Uh-huh. I take offense to that.

[Good Cheer Offices]

Hardison: Hey.

Eliot: What?

Hardison: Did you find anything?

Eliot: Got a half pack of cigarettes.

Hardison: Ah, that's great. Anything useful?

Eliot (irritated): Nope. Nothing fragile. No cheesy little accounts with the holes in them. And the only embarrassment around here is you. (smiles at camera)

[Interview Room]

Eliot: This job is all about trust.

Hardison: The job is all about respect.

[Bartley’s Office]

Hardison (reaching into refrigerator behind desk and taking out a chocolate bar): Go, baby.

Eliot: Did you put that in there? Did you put that in the fridge?

Hardison: No, I-I just like it when the chocolate's all cold.

Eliot: All right. Put it back in there. It's not yours.

Hardison: Wh-who you think –

Eliot: Put it back in there. It's not yours. Somebody left that so they can eat it later.

Hardison: Get -- get on -- bring it -- bring it over.

(they move to one side of the room)

Hardison: This about the sandwich?

[Interview Room]

Eliot: In here? A guy makes a sandwich. H-he makes it that day, he wants to eat it later on that day, he puts it in the fridge, he's got to be able to trust that when he comes back, it's gonna be there for him.

Hardison: He's got to respect me enough to know I didn't take the damn sandwich. He likes sandwiches. I think it had turkey on it or something. I'm al-- I'm allergic to tryptophan in the turkey.

[Good Cheer Offices]

Parker: Two dinosaurs falling in love? Makes no sense! How about a dinosaur (grabs a pen) ripping the head off a lion, hmm? Ohh, yeah. Now we're talking. (begins drawing) Oh! Little lion wants to leave the pack early.

(Gunter watches Parker from behind)

Parker (still drawing): A little bear cub wants to go out and see the world, huh? Oh, yeah? Raaaaaaaaah! (holds up a drawing of a dinosaur eating a bloody lion) Now, that's a high-school-graduation card.

[Interview Room]

(the lead writer holds up a card that reads “f*** this” with the first word blurred out)

[Good Cheer Offices]

Gunter (to camera man): Here she comes. Get her. Yes, her.

(the camera focuses on Parker, who tries to walk away)

Gunter: Keep filming her. Yeah. Good, good.

(Parker walks away, irritated)

Gunter: Follow her.

(Parker stalks to the doorway of the copy room)

Employee: Sorry, Mindy. The copier is broken.

Parker: Oh. Sweet. (turns to walk away) Vaaah! (pushes camera aside) I hate cameras.

(camera continues to follow Parker, making her angry. She turns and stalks the camera)

Parker: You know what? I will break it!

Gunter (trying to hold Parker away from the camera): Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Parker: I will break --

Gunter: Achtung!

(Parker pushes a chair at the camera man and runs off)

Gunter: Okay. After her.

(Parker closes the blinds in the Meeting Room)

[Interview Room]

Parker: I don't really have anything to say.

(Parker motions zipping up her lips)

Parker: Why are you still rolling the camera?

Gunter: What a magnificent creature.

(Parker looks surprised)

[Copy Room]

(Nate adjusts his tie as the others join him)

Nate: Oh, hey. Okay. We are going to-- we're gonna call to order the efficiency council meeting right now.

Hardison: There's nothing on his computer.

Parker: What do you mean?

Hardison: Couldn't find anything in the offices. There's no cheese accounts, no critical activity.

Eliot: There's nothing that says he's de-fragile-ing Good Cheer at all.

Hardison: Look. All the delivery notifications for the ink. He paid for that special holographic printer. He – (hands paperwork to Nate) it's all legit.

Nate: Mm-hmm.

Eliot: He's not... embarrassing.

Nate: No, there's something else here. It's color-shifting ink, 100% cotton paper. He's, uh, he's printing, uh, fake cards, fake cards. Yeah, you know how some greeting cards have people's faces on them? Um, important people's faces on them? Okay, well, he's copying those designs.

Parker: Ohh! Sounds pretty embarrassing to me. (laugh)

Nate: Eh, no, no. His cards aren't real.

Sophie: They just look real.

Nate: They look real, yeah.

Sophie: But the emotion…

Nate: The emotion…

Sophie: The emotion...

Nate: The emotion --

Sophie: is false.

Nate: It’s false, the emotion is false.

Sophie: And they shouldn't be circulated.

Nate: And they shouldn't be circulated.

Hardison: Oh, the cards are made for passing money.

Parker: Ohh! Bartley's counrfeiting mo--

Nate: C-cards! Cards!

Parker: Yeah.

Nate: Yeah, he's counterfeiting cards. So w-w-we –

Parker: Cards.

Nate: --we've learned a lot here t-- okay, we're good. Thank you.

Hardison (to camera man): You get enough?

Nate: That's great. Thank you. (holds papers up to block camera)

[Break Room]

(Leverage Team sitting around a table)

Eliot: That's not what I said. Look, all I want to know is how do we nail this Bartley guy for counterfeiting?

Parker: Cards!

Eliot: Parker, we're alone.

Parker: Yeah, well, that guy Gunter's been on me like a cheap suit!

Nate: The US dollar is part linen. Our guy's been, uh, using green and purple ink. I think he's cloning the euro.

Sophie: We need to find every piece of equipment he's using.

Nate: Hey, Parker, the paper, you got to find that. Eliot, Hardison, get the ink and especially that printer.

Hardison: We've got less than 24 hours to do it before Heartfelt gets here.

Eliot: That's enough. (stands and moves to block camera while Hardison closes the blinds)

[Women’s Bathroom]

(Parker walks through the office and enters the bathroom. She makes sure no one is in the stalls, then looks upward to see a vent in the ceiling. She opens the stall door and finds Gunter there with a camera)

Parker: Aah! Hey, Gunter.

Gunter: I am nowhere.

Parker: And everywhere. I'm starting to get it. (raises voice and closes stall door) Mr. Meekers! Ms. Crystal!

[Break Room]

(Nate is making a cup of coffee)

Felicia: We haven't had a chance to talk yet.

Nate: Listen, you know, it's only natural, (begins to pour coffee) you know, for you, an executive, you know, to feel, you know, threatened in a situation like this, you know, where a consultant comes in.

Felicia: I just want to make sure the romantic relationship you're pursuing with Ms. Crystal is a healthy one.

(Nate’s coffee begins to overflow)

Felicia: For the both of you.

[Interview Room]

Sophie: She mentioned something called, um, reverse favoritism, and apparently i-it's a very common byproduct in workplace relationships. And she -- she offered to speak to Mr. Meeker, which, um, I thought was a splendid idea.

[Break Room]

(Nate’s coffee continues to overflow the cup and spill onto the counter and the floor. Eventually he realizes what he’s doing and stops pouring)

Nate: Oh.


Hardison: Wait. Ho-- I'm sorry. A-are you actually trying to threaten me into admitting I ate your sandwich?

Eliot: I'm not threatening you. I ain't playing with you either. Nobody threatens anybody with a Moldavian sawhorse.

Hardison: You know what, man? Can we just finish finding this damn inefficient printer and do our jobs? We checked the warehouse, the office, the printer farm top to bottom -- nothing.

(they approach several warehouse employees playing ball)

Hardison: Okay? Maybe this guy Bartley isn't as dumb as you think.

Eliot: Shh.

Hardison: Wha—

Eliot: What's up?

Man 1: Help you guys?

Hardison: Yeah, we're just, uh, looking for the, uh...

Eliot: Trying to find -- this place is like a maze in here, man. Just trying to figure out a way out of here.

Black Man: Three crates down to the right.

Eliot: Three.

Black Man: Then go four crates to the left.

Eliot: And then four to the left. Told you. I got it.

Hardison: Appreciate it, man. Hey, appreciate it. Black. Yeah!

Eliot: Walk.

Hardison: He look mad.

Eliot: Just mad.

Hardison: What the hell was that?

Eliot: What do you mean, "what was that?" Man, if I was dummying up some cards like Bartley, I'd definitely have some muscle in on the operation. I'm just saying.

Hardison: Are you ser-- you must have taken two hits to the head. Jumbo black back there? Come on, man. You probably ate the damn sandwich yourself and forgot about it.

[Interview Room]

Eliot: So, my sandwich is forgettable? Listen, I take thinly sliced turkey, all right? I pan-sear it with some sweet Maui onions, all right? Then I put a slice of dill havarti cheese and another slice of an heirloom tomato. All that goes on an everything bagel, and I make my own garlic-and-green-onion cream-cheese spread. That's forgettable? (eats a chip) I don't think so.

[Monitor Room]

(Gunter is directing his camera man to manipulate the security cameras)

Gunter: No. More forward. Forward. Forward. There. (Parker shows on the monitors) There. Stop. Stop. Ahhh. (Parker smells paper) This mysterious wonder. She has the nuclear winter inside her. Yes? Ahhhh.

[Copy Room]

(Nate and Sophie peek out of the copy room to see Bartley enter the main office)

Nate: There's Bartley. You're up.

(Sophie goes after Bartley)

Nate: This guy is about five hours away from getting away with a scam. It's embarrassing.

Hardison: I thought we were using false emotion.

Nate: Yeah. No, wait. What? No. Oh, I know he's not embarrassing. Hey. Look, I -- well, whatever. I got most of this down -- de-fragile-ing, cheese-accounts thing. Just don't know what "sandwich" has to do with it.

Hardison: Hmm?

Nate: Sandwich. "Sandwich." What does that have to do with it?

Eliot: It's just –

Nate: What? It's what?

Eliot: “Sandwich" is an actual sandwich. It's a real sandwich. It's a real sandwich.

Nate: Mm-hmm.

Hardison: Was a real sandwich.

Eliot: Man.

(the water cooler bubbles)

Eliot: Absolutely not. It was in the fridge for less than 24 hours, man.

Hardison: The only reason why I know about the sandwich in the first place is because you won't shut up about it.

Eliot: How do you eat another man's sandwich? That's a code of the west!

Nate (looking at blueprints): The -- the -- the 3-d printer's got to be somewhere. Did you check behind the paper in the stock room? I mean, maybe he's built an artificial --

Hardison: And see if they built an artificial wall with the paper boxes? Yeah, we thought of that.

Nate: What about the janitors' closet?

Eliot: No, man, I'm telling you, there's no printer.

Nate: Okay. Uh, the loading dock?

Parker (entering room carrying paper): How come we keep meeting in here? The copier's broken. (smells paper)

Hardison: No. The copier. (walks to doorway into main office) Hey, does anybody actually know what's wrong with the copier?

All Employees: It's not working!

Hardison: Appreciate it. (heads for copier)

Nate: Doesn't really tell you what's wrong with it, does it?

(Hardison examines the copier and finds the 3D printer within the bottom of the copier)

Hardison: I knew it.

Nate: Ohh.

(Hardison switches the copier on and it prints a test page, which Nate grabs)

Nate: All right, all right. We got him. We got him. Yeah, we got him.

Sophie (entering room): No.

Nate: What?

Sophie: We may have somebody, but it's not him.

Eliot: It's not Bartley?

Sophie: Unh-unh. No. I just threw every trick in the book at him, word association, NLP, nothing, nada. The guy doesn't have the foggiest idea what's going on at his own company.

Parker: So Bartley isn't our bad guy, then.

Sophie: No, no, no. He's just a fool. No, we have an airtight case against somebody. We just don't know who.

Eliot: Well, I think we're running out of time. Heartfelt's coming this afternoon.

Nate: All right, here's what we're gonna do. We're just gonna look at all the security footage over the last couple of days, see who's been fiddling with the copier.

Hardison: No, we won't. Look, man, security hard drives are crap. They erase every 12 hours.

Nate: Well, I mean, there's got to be some way we can figure out and know what's going on the last couple of days in this office. There's got... (looks toward camera) to be...

(team turns to see Gunter and his camera man in the doorway)

Gunter: Yeah, yeah. Zoom in.

Nate: … a way.

Gunter: Zoom out.

(Nate walks toward the camera, followed by the others)

[Monitor Room]

(Sophie and Nate watch the monitors while the camera films them)

Sophie: This is excruciating! Why can't Hardison do this, run some kind of algorithm or whatever it is he does?

Nate: No. No, I think, I really think that you should--you should be doing it.

(Sophie sends Nate a nasty look)

Gunter: So, your counterfeiters, they simply print new money on the copier?

Nate: No. Modern printers and image-manipulation software are very powerful, and they both have safeguards to prevent people from printing money, you know, but they're not too hard to get around, uh, you know, if you know what you're doing.

Gunter: And you know what you are doing?

Nate: More or less.

Sophie: Ugh. This is getting us nowhere.

Nate: Well, I mean, you can't take your eyes off it. You know, you might miss something.

Sophie: Huh? What?

Nate: You can't take your eyes off it, because then you might miss something. And for future reference (laughs) uh, Ms. Crystal, this is reverse favoritism. (points to camera) Get -- get that. Get that.

Sophie: Ohh. (looks back at monitors)

[Interview Room]

Sophie: Oh, it is on.

Gunter (to Nate): Would you describe yourself as having any kind of life outside of work?

Nate: Uh, excuse me?

Gunter: Do you have any outside interests? Do you ever do anything but this?

Nate: Of course I do. I... W-why does this even matter? This is--it's just so...

Gunter: Well, your co-worker suggested I ask.

Nate: She did. Really? You know what you should ask her?

Sophie: I'm so-- could you -- could you repeat –

Nate: "Career."

Sophie: No. I wouldn't say that my acting career fizzled. I just -- I-I –

Nate: Pbht!

Sophie: I just put it on hold to pursue other things.

Gunter: But he implied it might have something to do with "ageism"?

Nate: Functioning alcoholic. (taking off jacket) Functioning. She always leaves that part out. And speaking of leaving --

Sophie: No, I didn't abandon them to gad about. I just... I just faked my own death and went on a voyage of self-discovery.

Nate (laughs): God complex? What does that even mean?

Sophie: Shrew?! Shrew?! Shrew?!

Nate: No, no, that -- that right there, that's a lie! I-I love foreplay.

(Sophie looks at the camera)

(Nate holds up a card with a bunny on the cover. He opens it up to reveal the ‘F*** this’ card from earlier)

(the water cooler bubbles)

[Monitor Room]

(Sophie and Nate are still watching the screen. Two of the warehouse employees put ink in the printer beneath the copier)

Sophie: Ooh. There. There. There. Look at that.

Nate: Yeah, they're putting toner in the printer, not the copier. These are our guys.

Gunter: What do you do next?

Nate: Well, we see what we can get out of them in a subtle, kind of quiet way.

Gunter: On film?

Sophie: Um...

Nate: Mm.

[Break Room]

(Hardison is fiddling with Eliot’s tie)

Gunter: Is that a camera?

Hardison: Yeah. Yeah, man. Make 'em myself. It's got an HD-quality 3-CCD chip with image stabilization and omnidirectional sound. It's fitted with a transmitter, a micro-transmitter, that sends the image anywhere that I want.

(Gunter reaches for the tie)

Hardison: Please don't touch. It's very delicate. Thank you.

Gunter: You have more of these?

Hardison: Why?

[Good Cheer Offices]

(Gunter cross the room, adjusting his belt buckle to train the camera on Parker, who is sitting at a desk)

Gunter: Ms. Hoffman, what are you working on?

(Parker looks around for a camera and seems confused when she doesn’t see one nearby)

Gunter: Please. Describe it to me.

Parker: Well, as long as there's no cameras watching us. 'Cause I hate them.

Gunter: All right. No camera.

Parker: Fine. Here. Take a look.

(Parker hands Gunter a card with a caterpillar on the cover that says ‘Get Well Soon’. On the inside, the caterpillar is squashed and the caption reads ‘or don’t. It’s not up to you!’)

Gunter: Ah. Oh, poor creature! Good. (sits down) Ms. Hoffman... sometimes when I'm hungry, I go to a hospital cafeteria to eat. This reminder of, uh, mortality, the fleetingness of life, combined with the institutional mass-produced flavor of food, it is intoxicating.

Parker: Okay.

Gunter (shifting in his seat to get a good view of Parker)L Sometimes I'll dress up like a doctor just to see if someone will stop me.

Parker: Whoa. Um, is something wrong with your back?

Gunter: Uh... Sciatica.

Parker: Hey. What is that? Is that a -- is that – (grabs his belt buckle) What? Is that a camera?!

Gunter: Don't. Oh, it's off.

Parker: Hey!

(they struggle as she continues to rip the camera from his belt buckle)

Gunter: What? Stop it!

(Parker rips off his belt buckle)

Gunter: Aah!

(Parker grabs the card from the desk and stalks away)

[Interview Room]

Gunter (smoothing Parker’s hair): Such nice hair.

Parker: No. I'm not saying anything until I get a lawyer.


(Eliot approaches the two men he and Hardison had spoken to earlier)

Eliot: What's up, guys? Now, we can do this the hard way --

Black Man: Okay! (runs)

Man 1: Let's go!

Eliot: Hey!

(Eliot runs after the black man, climbing rolls of paper to jump on top of him)

[Interview Room]

Eliot: He copped to stealing office supplies. Three cases of sticky notes.


(Eliot is holding the Black Man against a roll of paper, choking him)

Eliot: Answer me! Answer me!

Black Man: Copiers? What copiers?

Eliot: The copiers! We saw you on camera, changing the toner in the broken copier!

Black Man: Bob did that!

Eliot: Who --

Black Man: I swear it wasn't me! Aah!

Eliot: Who's Bob? The other guy?

Black Man: Yeah! H-he said Bartley wanted it done. That's all I know!

Eliot (pushes Black Man away): Get the hell out of here.

[Interview Room]

Black Man: Don't tell anybody I got beat up by an efficiency expert.

[Monitor Room]

Eliot: Sounds like this other guy put him up to it.

Nate: No, it's a set-up. Whoever's doing this is building an evidence trail straight back to Fred Bartley.

Sophie: Well, Bartley "told" them to fix the copier.

Parker: And Bartley's the one who bought the paper and the ink.

Gunter: If the authorities come sniffing around, then Bartley's gonna take the fall, huh?

Nate: No, it's not just counterfeiting. It's a frame job. Could y—

Hardison: No, no, no. It's more than that. See, the copier's set for remote printing. I figured if I can get into the print queue, I could figure out who—(looks at camera, irritated) I could figure out who's copying the money. Now, they covered their tracks. It's pretty tangled. But look where I-I traced it back to.

[Felicia’s Office]

(Felicia is typing on her phone)

[Monitor Room]

Nate: Felicia from HR.

Hardison: Yeah.

Nate: Mm.

Hardison: And checked the -- she's not just printing funny money. There's another document in the queue, on hold, that's set to print in two hours.

Sophie: In two hours? But that's -- that's -- that's right in the middle of the, um, the, um, Heartfelt meeting.

Nate: What's the document?

Hardison: Suicide note. From Bartley. (to camera man) I'm gonna crack your forehead. I swear.

Gunter (holds Hardison back): What -- what is this? I-I don't understand.

Nate: I-it means I-I-it's not just a frame job. It's about to be a murder. (covers camera with his hand)

[Parking Lot]

(a couple from Heartfelt are getting out of their car and walking toward the building)

Hearfelt Female: Let's go.

[Interview Room]

Gunter (to Nate): She's smarter than you are.

Eliot (enters room): We got a problem.

Nate: What?

Eliot: Heartfelt's here, and I can't find Bartley.

Gunter: Felicia's gonna kill Bartley.

(Nate follows Eliot out of the room)

[Good Cheer Offices]

(the entire office is panicking, in complete chaos)

Employee 1: I-I am not ready to present. I need more time.

Employee 2: Mr. Bartley isn't here. He's supposed to run the meeting!

Employee 3: What do we do?!

Employee 4: What do we do?!

Nate: Okay! Okay! Calm down! Okay!

(the employees gather around him)

Nate: Now, what we're gonna do now is you're gonna finish your presentation, okay? And, uh...

[Interview Room]

Sophie: Well, that's the thing about him. He's... he's broken. Badly.

[Good Cheer Offices]

(Nate directs the employees about the office)

Sophie (voice over): He gets the job done and doesn't let anything get in the way -- not people, not feelings, not relationships.

[Interview Room]

Sophie: We're all second to the job.

[Good Cheer Offices]

Sophie: What about us?

Nate: Okay, Sophie, you and I, we're going to, uh, stall Heartfelt. Eliot, Hardison, go find, uh, Fred Bartley. Par-Parker, you're gonna stay here and kind of take care of things.

Eliot (to Gunter): You. You're coming with us. Let's go. You're in the game, pal.

Gunter: Who's going with her? (puts his arm around Parker)

Eliot: Not you! You're coming with us!

Hardison: Hey!

Eliot and Hardison: Bring your ass!

Gunter: Okay.

(Parker pushes Gunter away and he follows Eliot and Hardison. Parker giggles and holds up Gunter’s credit card)

[Building Lobby]

(the Heartfelt employees enter the lobby)

Nate: Hello! Hi! Hi. Hello. Hi. How are you? Joe Meeker. Meeker Efficiency Consulting.

Heartfelt Female: Oh. Uh –

Nate (pulling them down the hall): You must be from Heartfelt.

Heartfelt Female: Yes.

Nate: Yeah, welcome to Good Cheer.

Sophie: We're very, very excited to have you with us.

Nate: Very excited to have you here.

Sophie: We'd love to give -- give you a little tour.

Nate: Little tour. So, like, for -- here's the elevator that, uh...

Sophie: Yeah.

Nate: The fine employees of Good Cheer, they like to ride it all the way down.

Sophie: Yeah, the elevator car, yeah, not the company.

Nate: No, no, no. You know. Exactly.

[Bartley’s Office]

Hardison: I'm gonna check his schedule, see exactly where he's supposed to be. (sits at the desk)

Eliot: His car's still here. Means he couldn't have gone far.

Gunter (looking at cigarettes): Yeah, yeah? What is this? Huh? (grabs cigarette package)Yeah, yeah, cigarettes. Bartley has cigarettes!

Hardison: And?

Gunter: He told me he quit two months ago.

[Interview Room]

Bartley: Well, I-I quit smoking two months ago. Mm-hmm. It was easy. I'm, uh, disciplined.

[Bartley’s Office]

Eliot: He fell off the wagon.

Hardison: Probably be smoking out of the way, where nobody would notice.

(various shots of Bartley coming out of the roof access doorway, tucking something back into his pocket)

Hardison and Eliot: The roof.

Gunter: The roof?!

[The Roof]

(several warehouse workers are dragging Bartley across the roof as he struggles with them. Eliot and Hardison climb a ladder to the roof, followed by Gunter)

Gunter (to Camera Man): Come, come.

(two warehouse workers are holding Bartley while a third punches him in the gut. Eliot and Hardison approach)

Eliot: Boys.

(one of men swings at Eliot. He blocks, and punches the man in the face, knocking him down. Eliot goes for a second man, who tries to block, but Eliot knees him in the stomach and throws him to the ground. Eliot bends over him as a third man heads for the camera.

Gunter: Not the camera! Oooh!

(Gunter tries to keep the man away from the camera, but it falls to the ground on its side, recording Bentley with a warehouse worker bent over him. Eliot grabs another man and throws him to the ground, punching him in the face when he tries to get up. Another man grabs Hardison and they grapple)

[Copy Room]

(Nate is still giving the Heartfelt employees a tour)

Nate: This is the, uh, the copy room.

Sophie: Oh, yes. Yeah. The copier doesn't work. It's a funny story. Mr. Meeker, tell them t-the funny story about...

Nate: Well, what happened...

Heartfelt Female: Did we want to start this –

Nate: ls normally it's a green button, and when it first arrived, it wasn't green. It was red.

[The Roof]

(Hardison continues to struggle with the warehouse worker, who then throws Hardison off the roof)

Hardison: Aah!

[Interview Room]

Hardison (holding ice to his temple): Um... Yeah, no, it was cool, you know, uh, hanging off the side of the building, 'cause I-I got strong fingers from doing my thing, so I was good.

[The Roof]

Hardison (hanging from edge of roof): Eliot. Eliot.

Gunter: This is America. This is brutality.

(Eliot tackles a warehouse worker to the roof, then begins punching him)

Hardison: I know you're here! Eliot!

Gunter: Yeah, get that.

Hardison: Eliot, I'm not playin'!

Gunter: Eliot! There's a camera!

(Eliot glances at the camera then continues to beat the warehouse worker)

Hardison: Eliot! Eliot!

(Eliot kicks the worker one last time and moves to the edge of the roof. Gunter walks over and kicks the man)

Hardison: Eliot!

Gunter: Over here.

(Gunter motions the camera man to the edge of the roof where Eliot is leaning over the side, reaching for Hardison)

Hardison: Come on, man.

Eliot: You okay, man? You all right? (pulls Hardison up) Come on.

[Interview Room]

Eliot: Nobody throws Hardison off a roof. (thinks a moment) Except maybe me. (laughs and smirks, then shakes his head) No.

[Meeting Room]

(Employees are in the midst of an upbeat presentation for Heartfelt)

Employee: And it will create maximum sentimentality for our customers. Or, as we like to say, "maxi-mentality." (giggles)

(the water cooler bubbles)

Sophie: Mm. "Maxi-mentality."

(Nate and Sophie clap, but no one else does)

Heartfelt Female: So, uh, do you have anything else?

Employee: Uh...

(No one in the room does anything)

Sophie: Uh, uh -- we could send Parker up. She's got some ideas. Yeah.

[Interview Room]

Sophie: I've been working with Mindy a lot on, um, on relating to people. Well, public speaking in particular, 'cause she's... Anyway, she's got it down. It's all about eye contact and enunciation.

[Meeting Room]

(Nate looks at Parker)

Parker: Yeah, okay, I'll go. (stands up) I do. Thank you... "Maxi-mentality." (addresses room, acting out her words) Hello! My card line is called "Eskimo Kisses." Eskimo Kisses covers any occasion, such as (begins display) weddings, birthdays…

(Parker shows a picture of a vulture eating an animal, which makes the room groan and cover their eyes)

Parker: And… (shows picture of a body and a toe tag) Thank you. Arigato!

[Interview Room]

Gunter: That was exquisite!

Parker (giggles): Yeah.

Gunter: Good!

[The Roof]

Eliot (leads Bentley toward ladder): We got to get you downstairs.

Bartley: What's going on?

Eliot: All right, Heartfelt is here. You want to save your company, you need to get into that meeting right now. (Bentley looks at him) G—

(Bentley hugs Eliot, who looks at Hardison while patting him on the back)

Eliot: Come on, man. Go! And act natural when you --

[Meeting Room]

Parker: Which is why Eskimo Kisses says exactly what you're thinking.

Heartfelt Female: Okay, well, thank you very much for your time. We will let you know if we are still interested.

Bartley: Hi! (runs into room, followed by cameras)

Heartfelt Female: You might think twice about drinking on the --

Bartley: Hi. Oh, wait. I-I'm Fred Bartley, CEO of Good Cheer cards.

(Felicia sends a print job from her phone)

Bartley: And I want to tell you that Good Cheer cards is good, with cheer.

Sophie: Yes. (begins clapping)

Nate: Oh, yeah.

(others begin clapping0

Bartley: Awesome.

[Good Cheer Offices]

(an employee hears the copier printing and goes to investigate. She pulls a stack of printed money from the copier)

[Meeting Room]

Bartley: So, um, Heartfelt friends, if you could, um, maybe stick--stick around.

(Heartfelt Employees sit back down)

Bartley: Thanks for staying. I'm not big on emotion. I think -- I think men should keep it all in here, not out there where people see it.

Employee: The copier's printing some kind of money! We're all gonna be rich!

Employee 2: What?!

Employee 3: Money!

Felicia: No, it's counterfeit money. Bartley's been counterfeiting! He's been doing it all along!

Bartley: What, you think -- I can't even -- I can't even make greeting cards. You think I can counterfeit money?

Felicia: We all wanted to replace that broken copier years ago, but you said we had to keep it.

Bartley: We couldn't afford to fix the copier.

Employee: There's all that weird ink and paper ordered in your name.

Bartley: I don't remember ordering weird ink.

Felicia: And Hal -- you made me fire Hal.

Bartley: You said he tried to grab your --

Felicia: Was he onto you? Is that why you had me fire him? Is this why you've driven the company into the ground?

Heartfelt Female: Mr. Bartley, if this is true, then Heartfelt withdraws any offer of --

Nate: Well, no, excuse me. I-it's not true. He's not doing any counterfeiting. (points at Felicia) She is.

Felicia: What? The evidence all points to him.

Nate: Yes, evidence that you planted.

Gunter: That. Hold on her.

Felicia: Oh, sure, the efficiency experts that he hired are defending him.

Nate: Well…

Felicia: Are you in on it? Are you with the mob? It wouldn't surprise me if you were with the mob.

Nate: That's nice. V-very n-nice touch. There's only one problem, though. (takes remote from Parker) We have it on tape.

(Nate puts a video on the screen of Felicia sending something to the printer, her flower ring prominent)

Nate: Yeah. There you go.

Felicia: I didn't -- that's not –

(other employees point at Felicia’s flower ring, and as she puts her hand down, we can see a camera on her sweater)

Nate: Time stamp on the phone, uh, will show that's exactly when the print order was sent for those bills. (to Camera Man) You might want to get right in there. (pushing him toward Felicia)

Felicia: How did you film that?


Parker (putting her arm around Felicia): What do we have here? Oh, "Happy Easter." Now, my grandma used to make me little Easter eggs, and she used to put little daisies on them. (fastening camera on Felicia’s sweater) Yeah.

Gunter: Is that a camera?

Hardison: It's fitted with a micro-transmitter that can send the image to basically anywhere that I want.

[Meeting Room]

(the camera moves very close to Felicia, and she bolts for the door)

Bartley: F'leesh...

Crowd: What a soap opera.

Bartley: I don't understand.

(Felicia runs through the office followed by the camera, but Eliot pushes over the water cooler to trip her. Eliot and Hardison bump fists)

Woman (helps Felicia to her feet): F'leesh! You betrayed us?!

Felicia: "Us"? (jerks away) What "us"? We're not a team! Bartley's not a coach. He's a fool! And you're the fools who follow him!

Woman: Stop.

Felicia: You think I'm just the lady who brings in brownies twice a week, who never gets tired of listening to your pathetic work-related complaints.

(several of the employees grab hold of Felicia)

Woman: Stop. Stop.

Felicia: But I'm smarter than all of you! I'm -- what are you doing?

(the employees push Felicia into her office)

Man: In you go.

Man 2: Lock it.

Nate: Well, that'll hold her till the police come.

Bartley: I-I still don't understand, Mr. Meeker.

Sophie: Look, Felicia was misappropriating equipment and covering it up in the company's expenses. Rather than risk exposure and a potential audit, she set you up as a scapegoat.

(Bartley still looks confused)

Nate: Felicia was shaving points, you know, figuring no one would notice, 'cause you were calling bad plays, but just in case, she… doctored the playbook.

Bartley: So -- so the coach would take the blame if somebody went looking.

Nate: There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bartley: Oh, my God. Oh, my g-- I let this happen.

(Sophie pulls out her notebook and makes another mark on the pages)

Bartley: I'm like t-the Joe Pisarcik of greeting-card execs, dropping the ball so Herm Edwards can run it back for the win.

Heartfelt Male: "Miracle At The Meadowlands." Giants and Eagles in, uh, '78 -- rallied the Eagles to the playoffs. Hell of a play.

Bartley: Are you a Gridiron man?

Heartfelt Male: Lifelong. Been watching games with my pop since I was 2.

Nate: Ah, well, if that's the case, you're gonna really like the, uh, the new card line he's working on. (to Bartley) That's a hail Mary.

[Bartley’s Office]

Bartley (showing a card): "Remember, when it's crunch time... You can always call my number, dad." Now, that's how men, real men, emote. And this card is the play that Good Cheer ran to win the game. No, the championship.

(Bartley and the Heartfelt Male shake hands, then hug)

[McRory’s Back Room]

(Gunter is showing the documentary on a large monitor)

Bartley (on screen): Okay?

Gunter: So, what do you think?

Nate: I think it's terrific. Absolutely uplifting. Heartwarming, even, don't you think?

Hardison: Yeah, it was a story of triumph. I cried.

Eliot: Triumph. Little guy beats the world.

Nate: Exactly.

Sophie: I just love the ending. It's so hopeful.

Gunter: Hopeful.

Sophie: Yeah. You know, you could sell this to Hollywood.

Gunter: Hollywood! Nein! That is not the point! The point is to expose the futility of life...

Nate: Oh, it doesn't do that.

Gunter: The ever-presence of decay, not to peddle simplistic, narrative pablum! It is not.

Nate: Well, that's kind of what I got.

Gunter (to Parker): You have the soul of a German. Hmm? What did you think?

Parker: I didn't really get it.

Gunter: She didn't get it? All right. (pulls CD from the player) It is disgraceful. (destroys CD) This heartwarming, soulful beast (throws pieces on the ground) will never see the light of day. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, friends. (exits)

Hardison: The hell's wrong with him?

Nate: You erased the film off of his...

Hardison: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man, I uploaded a nasty virus into Gunter's digital-editing bay. It zapped every gigabyte of film he shot of us, except that. That was the last bit of it.

(Nate moves behind the bar to pour a drink)

Eliot: I l-like this guy. I do. I feel sorry for him.

Parker: He cut his finger.

Hardison: Hey, man, do you finally believe me about the sandwich? Seriously.

(Eliot looks at him)

Hardison: All right, you know what, man? I was gonna buy you dinner, 'cause I felt sorry for you.

Parker: Ooh, you're buying dinner?

Eliot: You're buying dinner?

Hardison: Thought you was hungry.

Eliot: Are you buying?

Hardison: Maybe. Do you believe me?

Eliot: I'm in. I believe that you're buying dinner now.

(Hardison, Eliot and Parker leave, while Sophie walks over to Nate)

Sophie: Oh, uh, Nate? Um...

Nate: Yeah?

Sophie: Oh, I-I just -- I wanted to say the things I said on there about, you know, you, relationships, you know, it's not -- I don't –

(Nate reaches into a jacket and pulls out a card)

Sophie: You and I -- we're -- we –

(Nate hands Sophie the card. She takes it and opens it, reading as Nate pours her a drink. It obviously pleases her. He hands her a glass and they toast each other)

[Interview Room]

Hardison (eating a sandwich): Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I ate the damn sandwich. I ate the damn sandwich for sure. The boy can cook. He can throw down. If he wasn't gonna beat my ass, I'd go thank him.

The End

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