|[Gold To Be Sold Commercial]
(two men standing in front shelves filled with gold bars, one wearing lots of gold chains)
Tommy: I got gold, you got gold. Lil Pusherís got crazy gold!
Lil Pusher: Some of it just sitting there collecting dust!
Tommy: Do you have any idea how much gold youíve acquired through the years?
Lil Pusher: It could be like a treasure!
Tommy: Nowís your chance to turn your gold into cold hard cash, Ďcause we have over 100 ďGold to be SoldĒ stores nationwide. Or call us and weíll send you a free shipping pack, because we are Americaís number-one online and storefront gold buyer!
Lil Pusher: And thatís the goldís honest truth! Yeah!
[Gold to be Sold]
Barbara: I asked for all the forms in the inventory, Gordon, so I could review them on my flight back to Portland. I leave in 10 minutes, so move.
Gordon: Your brother --
Barbara: Does not run the company.
Ms Campston (to clerk): Iíll call the better business bureau if I have to.
Barbara (walking up): Can I help you?
Ms Campston: Yes. Hi.
(clerk walks away)
Ms Campton: I turned in my grandmotherís necklace just to cover the mortgage. (hands Barbara a check) That canít be right. Itís worth 15 times this.
Barbara: I assure you, Ms. Campston, our appraisers are all accredited gemologists with the GIA.
Ms Campston: Well, Iíd like my necklace back, then.
Barbara: Our policy states that you have to request a return within the allotted two weeks, and Iím seeing here youíre three days overdue. (hands back check)
Ms Campston: But thatís two weeks from when the check was sent from your accounts payable department. I just got it in the mail yesterday.
Barbara: The necklace has probably already been melted. Thereís -- thereís really nothing we can do.
Ms Campston: Well, can you check for sure and see?
Barbara: Sure. Come with me.
(Barbara goes to computer behind counter and pulls up information on the necklace. The information clearly states that the necklace is on site and has not been shipped yet)
Barbara: Unfortunately, Ms. Campston, it has been destroyed. I am so sorry. Weíre done here.
Guard: Come on, maíam. Letís go. (pulls her toward the door)
Ms Campston: What? Thatís it?!
Guard: Have a nice day.
Barbara (opens case and pulls out necklace): Nana had nice taste. (to Gordon) Now youíve got five minutes. (puts on necklace)
(Ms Campston sits at bar with Nate and Hardison)
Ms Campston: I saw the ad on TV. And as much as I didnít want to, I have a mortgage to pay, a child to feed. Next thing I knew, they sent me a packet with postage.
Hardison: Yeah, these cash-for-gold businesses, they make it very easy for customers to send in their gold. And this necklace, it had sentimental value to you?
Ms Campston: My grandma from England gave it to me before she died. She held it all the way through the London blitz in the Ď40s. Iím so ashamed I sent it in.
Nate: No, no, I mean, you did what you had to do, and you did it for your family. Nothing to be ashamed about.
Hardison: Yeah, heís right. Look, your storyís not unique. There are thousands of desperate people who send in their gold, they get these checks way below market value. Thereís a pattern of perfidy.
Nate: ďA pattern of perfidyĒ?
Ms Campston: Thank you. But I wish I had the necklace back. I just know itís still out there.
Nate: Okay, well, hereís what weíre gonna do. Weíre gonna do everything we can to get it back Ė
Hardison: Get it back for you. And probably help youpay that mortgage, too.
Ms Campston: Thank you. (gets up and leaves bar)
Nate: ďPattern of perfidyĒ? Seriously?
Hardison: Yes. This is it, Nate. This is the one. Look, thereís no international crime, no Russians with guns, no Interpol. Itís low risk, low danger, just two very smart dirtbags who like to hurt people. This is my shot. This time, I run the con.
Nate: Oh, no.
Hardison: Oh, yes.
Nate: Oh, boy.
(Hardison and Nate enter the room)
Hardison: If you donít think I can handle it, just say.
Nate: No. Hardison, thatís not what Iím saying, actually.
Hardison: Well, what is it? You think Iíll mess it up? Go on, speak your mind.
Nate: No, come on. Please, just do your thing.
Hardison: ďDo your thing.Ē
Eliot: Sometime today, man, all right? Some of us have social lives we got to get back to.
Hardison: All of you donít even understand how much you depend on me, do you? All the hacking, the fake IDs, the financial searches, the sub-rosa profiling. Weeks of work every time, and none of you appreciate it.
Sophie: Hardison, we do. We just, you know, we donít understand some of it. Well, most of it. But weíre very -- weíre very grateful.
Nate: Yes, we are very grateful, Hardison. Now, if you will, letís -- letís run it. ďGold to be SoldĒ.
Hardison: You run it. (tosses Nate the remote) Why donít you go ahead, find your little briefing fairy online, without me. Start the job, and see how far you get... without me. (walks away)
Nate: No, I -- Hardison, come on. R-really, itís -- it --
Parker: Thatís his ďvery seriousĒ arm-cross.
Nate: All right. Here we go. (pushes buttons on remote) Remote... How do you -- how do you get to the --
Hardison: Web browser?
Hardison: I donít know.
(Sophie taps on a wireless keyboard)
Nate: Oh. There it is. (picks up keyboard) Awesome. There we go. ďGold to be SoldĒ. (pulls up info on monitors)
Parker: Ooh, gold. I love gold.
Nate: ďGold to be SoldĒ began as an Oregon-based company headed by a brother/sister team, Barbara and Tommy Madsen. Expanded nationwide in the last five years, but their main processing and refineryís -- is in Portland, Oregon. See? (other windows pop up randomly) Ah. Oh, Por-- sorry, oh, wait. No, it --
Parker: Why is he looking up restaurants?
Nate: No, Iím not. Itís -- itís going up by itself. Just -- weíll move out of that. All right, all right. (puts down keyboard) Hereís the thing. Thousands of people, especially in a bad economy, they send their gold in once a week. Now, the Madsens, what their scam is, they give low estimates, lost shipments, late checks, that sort of thing. Now, if we figure that all the people that theyíre scamming are losing the same amount of money, then weíre talking about a multimillion dollar graft, which, by the way, is legal. So... (picks up keyboard) Now, how do I get the financials?
Hardison: Call for a free credit report. You got a phone.
Nate: Seriously? Y-youíre doing that?
Hardison: Hell, yeah.
Parker: Heís really doing this.
Nate: Uh, Har-- Parker?
Nate: Could you please, uh, show us the, uh, commercial for --
Nate: Yeah. Bring up the commercial for ďGold to be SoldĒ. This is great. Wait till you see this.
(Eliot hits a button and loud static fills the room)
Eliot: Turn it down!
Parker: I am! Geez. (she hits more buttons) Oh.
(a screaming face fills the monitors startling the women before Parker finally pulls up the commercial)
Tommy: I got gold, you got gold. Lil Pusherís got crazy gold.
Lil Pusher: Some of itís just sitting there collecting dust!
Tommy: Do you have any idea how much gold youíve acquired through the years? It could beó
Nate (mutes commercial): Okay, guys. Weíre gonna do this the plain-and-simple way. Letís go steal some gold.
(Nate and Hardison stand near a van)
Nate: Okay, Parker, the place is closed on Sundays, and there are no guards, but I want you in and out fast.
[Gold to Be Sold Warehouse]
Nate: How long will the vault take you?
Parker (looking in windoe): Glenn-Reeder 27-34? Hmm. 8 minutes, tops. (walks to a window, opens it, and climbs inside)
Hardison: Go ahead, guys.
Hardison: Rock my world.
Nate: I thought you were on strike, Hardison. Why are you even here?
Hardison: Itís a mental strike. Iím not really here. Iím actually far, far away, in my mind. Besides, whoís gonna help Parker carry out all those gold bars? You know how much each one of those things weighs? They are heav-y-y-y.
[Gold to Be Sold Warehouse]
(Parker makes it inside of the warehouse and jumps down to the floor. She smiles and walks over to the vault. She looks at the keypad, then simply opens the door)
Parker: Hmm? No alarm? Or maybe not so heavy.
(the vault is empty)
Sophie: No gold, but you still had us break in there?
Hardison: I was on strike.
Eliot: You were on strike, huh?
Nate: Hardison, youíre gonna take the lead on this, you got to take the lead.
Hardison: Hey, I have the lead on this. Iíve had the lead on this thing since we left Boston. Gladys-Alpha-unlock. Initiate protocol 271-Z-X-T now.
Laptop (responding): Voiceprint verified.
Nate: Who are you talking to?
Hardison: All right. (referring to images on the television) Tommy and Barbara Madsen, owners of the ďGold to be SoldĒ empire. Now, Nate, had you let me run the con, you would know --
Nate: Had I let you run it? You said you were taking the lead --
Hardison: If you let me run the con from the beginning, you would have found out that the Madsens melt down their daily intake of gold and ship it out to their brokers at the end of every day. That vault is almost always empty.
Eliot: So, you knew it was empty. Hardison, Iím gonna tell you something. I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? You ever pull this again, I am gonna personally make sure youíre off this team, Ďcause Iím gonna break every bone in your body!
Sophie: All right. Wait. Wait. All right.
Hardison: I said you needed me.
Sophie: Hardison, what con do you have in mind? The lazy dachshund? The-the Pizarro pressure point? What?
Hardison: No. Sophie, Sophie. Weíre not gonna run one of Nateís picturesque 18th-century cons, no.
Nate: Oh, really?
Hardison: Weíre gonna run a brand-new 21st-century con and blow their minds. (begins handing out files) For you. And you. All right. For you. Oh! One for you. Now, these are full financial, physical, and psychological profiles of our players.
Parker: Our marks.
Hardison: No, our players. Iíll explain in a minute. Uh, Gladys, initiate process 67-H, the double-pronged monkey con.
(different images display on the television)
Nate: What is this?
Laptop: 67-H confirmed.
Nate: Itís too complicated.
Hardison: No, no, see, see, this new con of the future employs the most addictive, inescapable psychology known to man -- video-game-design fundamentals.
Parker: Like Pac-Man?
Hardison: Like any game, really. You see, setting up a player is just like setting up a mark. What you do is you lay out a goal, you set up some obstacles for them to overcome in order to reach that goal, right? Start with player one -- Tommy Madsen. (pulls info up on the screen) Now, Tommy -- lonely, lonely Tommy. The man is registered to seven different dating websites. Now, on each of these websites, Tommy has to answer certain questionnaires. Now, what I did was hacked questions from the Kleinfeld-Ochs psych indicator into his applications.
Parker: Itís a test designed to measure preferences in how people perceive the world. You know, I-I had a lot of psych exams as a kid. Theyíre actually pretty easy. Well, sometimes I made my doctors cry, but...
Hardison: The questions that Tommy answered peg him as an extroverted hyper-competitive Alpha-male type. Heís the flashy face of the company, not too bright, and heís very reward-oriented.
Sophie: So, how are you gonna hook him, Hardison?
Hardison: By implanting the idea of a reward in his subconscious. I hacked into his web browser, and, as you can see, I inserted the word ďtreasureĒ into the side ads to implant the idea of treasure into his thoughts. See, now, if Tommy wants the treasure, heís got to play our game. And the game begins with a 19th-century gold watch engraved with an old Cantonese inscription.
[Gold to Be Sold]
(Gordon is examining a gold watch with an inscription)
Parker: To tell you the truth, I was more interested in the mahogany chest it came in. I got it at an estate sale last week in Lake Oswego. Oh, Iím a-actually in the antique business. Auntie Irnaís Antiques on Oak Street? Ever heard of it? (hands him her card)
Gordon: Canít say I have. Oh. Well, thereís definitely melt value here. Not a lot. But I think youíre looking at 14-karat, millesimal fineness in the 580s. $42.
Parker: Ooh. Well, I was thinking more along the lines of, oh, I donít know, $100?
Gordon: I said $42.
Parker: Fine. $42.
Gordon: Please sign here, darling. (hands her a pen)
Parker (signs papers): ďDarling.Ē
Gordon: And... (hands her money) $42.
Parker: Thank you.
Gordon: Thank you.
Parker (runs into Tommy coming in as sheís leaving): Oh, excuse me. Ooh!
(Tommy walks over to the counter)
Gordon: Hey, boss. You might want to take a look at this watch. Thereís a little something extra to it.
(Tommy takes watch)
Hardison: Uh, player number two -- Barbara Madsen. She is nothing like her brother. I mean, the girl has a degree in chemical engineering. She handles the technical and financial parts of the business.
Nate: Okay. Right there. Thatís the rub, guys. I think the sisterís way too engaged with the business to bite on a treasure hunt. Now, I think what you need to do here is you need to, uh, take the business out of play. Say, shut down the distribution so they canít sell gold. Example -- the smelter perhaps malfu- Sorry. No.
Hardison: No, no. Like, no. Keep going.
Nate: This isnít -- no, because Iím not --
Hardison: Hey, this is good.
Nate: No, Iím -- This is yours. Go ahead.
Hardison: Thatís good. See, Nate, unlike you, Iím open to suggestion. I encourage the exchange of ideas. Look, you touched on video-game-design fundamentals. You see, different people play the same game for different reasons. And as video-game designers, our job is to give the players what they crave.
(Nate begins writing on a piece of paper)
Hardison: Now, Barbara, I mean, she seems a little square. All business up top, right? She majored in chemical engineering. But she minored in archeology.
[Gold to Be Sold Warehouse]
(armored truck backs into the warehouse)
Barbara: What is this? What the hellís going on, Roy?
Roy: Uh, Contillix sent the gold shipment back. Said the purity rating on the last trucks dipped below three nines fine.
Barbara: What?! That is total crap! Probably a data glitch. The same thing happened last year.
Roy: Well, theyíre freezing all shipments until we clear it with the assayers.
Barbara: So Iím shut down? What am I supposed to do for three days?
Roy: What do you want to do about the, um --
Tommy (entering warehouse): Hey, B! Let me show you this. A downtown antique dealer brought that in. You think it might be worth something?
Barbara (looks at watch): Wow. Itís interesting. The lettering, I think itís Cantonese.
Tommy: Figures that you would say that, egghead. Iím gonna track down the dealer and see if sheís got any other pieces.
Barbara: Mind if I come with? Contillix nicked the purity rating again. I got the afternoon off.
Hardison: So, by hacking into Contillixís servers, like Nate suggests, and giving the Madsenís gold a below-par purity rating, well, Miss Madsen has a little R&R time to go explore her little puzzles, and Tommy gets to chase his golden carrot. Thatís a great idea, Nate.
Parker: Well, I was gonna stain it next week to make it really pretty, you know, like an English chestnut or a Sedona red. But if you really want to see it, itís over here in the back.
Hardison (watching among the antiques): Hey, Parker, I think itís time we introduce the Madsens to the idea of the Snake River Massacre treasure.
Parker: Ta-da. Like I said, I found this at an estate auction. The dead guy was the son of some 19th-century preacher who was apparently working with some Chinese miners or something.
Barbara: A missionary?
Parker: Yep! That was the word, ďmissionary.Ē And apparently, this guy... knew the location of this local famous treasure, the snake something or other.
Barbara: The Snake River Massacre treasure?
Parker: Oh, yeah.
Barbara: Itís a big piece of local history.
Barbara: It dates back to the 1880s. Five white men murdered a group of Chinese miners for a considerable amount of gold dust. They were unsuccessful, because the gold is hidden somewhere in Portland.
Tommy: How much gold?
Barbara: At todayís prices, tens of millions.
Parker: Well, yeah, thatís --
Barbara: Maybe more.
Parker: Yeah. More.
Barbara: But the truth is, most people believe itís a hoax.
Parker: Yeah. Hoax. Could be. Well, certainly feel free to take a looky-loo. (opens case) Right in here. Iíll just be right over here in the back. See ya. (walks away)
Tommy (finds a piece of paper hidden): Look, look, look, look, look. Ooh!
Barbara: Okay. Thatís a cipher. A code. That says something.
Tommy: And that is gold dust residue. You think this thing tells the location of the treasure? (closes case) Excuse me, miss. Iíll give you 50 bucks for the chest.
Parker: 50 bucks it is, cowboy. Come on over here.
[Gold to Be Sold Warehouse]
Barbara: When you cipher, you take something you wrote and you encode it using a key book or a famous text, like the Declaration of Independence. Now, the only way we are gonna read this jumble of numbers is if we find that key book. So the question becomes, how do we find the key book?
Tommy: Iím sure youíll tell me.
Barbara: Iíll tell you how -- by gaining context on the person who wrote the cipher. (sits down at computer)
Tommy: But Samuel Cavendish is dead.
Barbara: Well, then, we find an expert who knows something about him or this Snake River Massacre treasure. Isnít this so much fun?
Tommy: When do we get to the part about the $20 million?
Barbara: Oh, believe me -- if this treasure is real, you and I will never work another day in our lives. (pulls up information about Sophieís cover) Bingo.
Hardison: And Iíve got a surprise. (pulls up graphics on the screen) Bam! Code names for us to use on the comms during the mission.Uh, Parker, youíre ďGold.Ē
Hardison: Sophie, youíre ďSilver,Ē Nate, ďMercury,Ē and Eliot, ďMr. Punchy.Ē
Eliot: You kidding me with that one?
(Hardison animates the graphics, making Eliotís punch out)
Eliot: All right, thatís pretty good.
Hardison: Punch-y-y-y! Uh, would you mind writing that in the eval form? Itís at the back of your dossier.
Sophie: Ooh, evaluation forms.
Parker: A form?
Hardison: Please, uh, fill those out anonymously, and just, you know, give your honest feedback.
Parker: Oh, Nate never wants feedback.
(Nate, still writing on his piece of paper, looks up)
Hardison: To me, this is a team effort. Iíd like to incorporate your ideas. Nate, what are you doing?
Nate: Oh, sorry. Writing a letter.
Hardison: Come on, Nate. Youíre writing a letter? While youíre over there writing snail mail, weíre sitting here devising twists for a never-before-done 21st-century con.
Nate (puts letter into an envelope): Sounds very exciting.
Hardison: It is.
Nate (licks envelope): Now, Hardison, there are really only seven basic cons, and the rest of them are all derivatives of those seven. Theyíve all been done, see?
Sophie: Heís right.
Hardison: Correction. There were only seven cons until now. See, this (points at screen) grifters are gonna be talking about this for years to come. What Iíve organized is only level one of the double-pronged monkey.
Hardison: Then it gets complicated.
Hardison: All right. Initiate shell component to clear out the contact.
Parker (taking bite from donut): Mm-hmm.
Hardison: Pa-- hel-- excuse you. (hands her phone)
Parker: What? Me?
Hardison: The phone. Yes. Now. Thank you.
Parker: Oh. Oh, oh! Hello? Ah, professor Altidore, this is Naomi Lineker from the Asian-American studies at Grinnell College. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We would be interested in having you come and speak at that seminar.
(Parker tries to take a bite of the donut but Hardison takes it away from her)
Hardison: No, stop. No, stop.
Parker: Yeah! Uh, ďcelebrating the subaltern in the Asian-American immigrant experience.Ē Mm-hmm. Yeah. Great. Weíll be in touch. Thank you so much. Okay. Bye. (hangs up and tries to take the donut back) Give it to me. Give it to me.
Hardison: Stop. Please.
(Professor Altidore walks out of an office while Eliot walks down a hallway, reading a book. They pass in the hall)
Eliot: Good morning, professor.
(Eliot enters the office and sets it up as Sophieís office)
Barbara (leading the way down the hall): If anyone has any information about this missionary and Chinese miners, it will be this professor Altidore. Sheís the expert on the subject.
(Tommy and Barbara come to a stop outside the office, looking in through the window on the door)
Nate: I am tired of playing games! You show me where those tunnels are!
Sophie: I donít know anything about the tunnels.
Hardison: Tommyís competitive. Ramp it up. Ramp it up.
Nate: Yes, you know what Iím talking about!
Sophie: Leave me alone! Why are you bothering me?!
Nate: You know! (grabs Sophie)
Tommy (opens the door and rushes inside, pulling Nate off Sophie): Hey! Hey! You get off of her! What the hell are you doing?! Get out of here!
Nate: Who are you?!
Tommy: Before we call the cops. Shut up. Go.
Tommy: Are you okay?
Sophie: Yes. Iím sorry Ė
Barbara: We were just walking by and saw what was happening. Who was that man?
Sophie: Lenny Granzen. Heís an antiquities dealer. More like a thug! He wants me to help him with some ridiculous 19th-century treasure hunt. Iím sorry.
Tommy: Itís all right. (hands her card) Uh, Iím Tommy Madsen. This is my sister, Barbara. Weíre -- uh, weíre in the gold business.
Barbara: You donít know us, but we actually came here to see you.
Sophie: Really? Why?
Barbara: About that ridiculous treasure hunt.
(Eliot returns to the van and sits down inside, picking up a box of donuts and eating one)
Hardison: Well, look. Introducing Nate as a rival locks in value for the treasure hunt.
Eliot: ĎCause Tommyís so competitive, when Nate showed up, it was impossible for him to resist.
Hardison: Sophie, the treasure hunt is still a hoax to you, okay? Make the Madsens work harder to convince you.
Sophie (reading inscription): ďWhen you enter a town and are welcomed, eat what is set before you. Heal the sick who are there.Ē Huh. Luke 10:8. Well, itís from the King James edition of the Bible. It was -- well, it was translated into old Cantonese by a man called Robert Morrison. He worked for the London Missionary Society in the early 19th century. It was mostly referenced by Cantonese immigrant miners
Barbara: Do you have a copy of that edition?
Sophie: Well, yes, of course. I --
Barbara: That watch is from the estate sale of the son of Samuel T. Cavendish. Does that name sound familiar?
Sophie: Yes. Heís a very well-known missionary from the area. Iíve written academic articles on him.
Tommy: We have in our possession an undiscovered document that we believe belonged to Samuel T. Cavendish. (hands Sophie the paper)
Barbara: I think itís a code.
Hardison: Donít buy into the treasure just yet, okay?
Hardison: Show a little resistance to the idea of it.
Sophie (reads note then hands it back): Look, Iím sorry. I just, personally, donít believe in the legend of the Snake River Massacre treasure. And I -- I just -- I canít condone the use of historical events to bolster... crazy theories. The Snake River Massacre was a terrible tragedy, and thatís all there is to it.
Barbara: But what if the legend were true? What if this cipher tells the location of a treasure and the Bible that you were referencing is the key to cracking this cipher?
Tommy: Well, that would be historic, professor Altidore. Wouldnít you be interested in finding something like that? (hands her back the paper)
Eliot: Did you take a bite of all these?
Parker: Well, I had to see which one I wanted.
Hardison: Wow. Really?
Eliot: What --
(Sophie uses the bible to decipher the code then sits back looking at the page)
Sophie: Well, I -- I donít know if any of this is true, but it is amazing, and it certainly does back up what Granzen claims.
Barbara: ďDeposited in the tunnels below the city, in walls two feet deep, we have hidden our mining fortunes.Ē
Tommy: The tunnels?
Barbara: The Shanghai tunnels. Old tunnels running below the streets of Portland. They were used to abduct -- ďShanghaiĒ Ė sailors back in the 1800s.
Sophie: Beneath the city of Portland, a completely hidden city existed, connecting saloons and whorehouses, gambling parlors, opium dens even.
Barbara: How do you not know that?
Tommy: Yeah, how do I not?
Sophie: Itís very impressive, Barbara. You could be a professor yourself. Go on.
Barbara: ďTo arrive there, enter through the dockside doors. Follow here through the Southern tunnel, and come upon a left turn.Ē
(Eliot, Parker and Hardison are working on some equipment in the tunnels as Nate approaches)
Nate: Sure the Madsens can find this place? I almost got lost.
Hardison: But you didnít, did you? Because we used video-game art-design techniques to subconsciously lead you.
(Elsewhere in the tunnels, the Madsens look at an arrow spray painted on the wall)
Barbara: That way.
(Parker spray paints another arrow while Eliot hangs a ĎKeep Outí sign, as well as lights and hidden speakers)
Hardison: Using arrows, signage and lighting, sound effects...
(the Madsens continue walking through the tunnels and jump at a loud clang)
Hardison: Weíre giving the gamers what they want. They want to be cold, they want to be scared. They want an adventure. Letís give it to them.
(the Madsens continue to walk as Hardison tracks their progress through the tunnels)
Hardison: All right, Mr. Punchy. The Madsens are almost here. Now, remember, youíre playing Tobias Bowden, Granzenís underestimated, underappreciated underling.
Eliot: Yeah, I donít think Iím gonna play him like that.
Hardison: Hey, thatís okay, guy. Thatís okay, because I encourage initiative. But just remember, you work for Granzen, your cold... insensitive boss. (looks at Nate)
Nate: You got any notes on how I can play cold and insensitive?
Hardison: Oh, Mercury. Youíre a natural.
(Nate walks off down the tunnel)
Parker: Natural. Whatís my characterís name again?
Hardison: Gold. Gold.
Parker: Apple ax.
(eventually the Madsens approach the correct location)
Barbara: It must be behind this door.
(Tommy opens the door. Inside, Nate and Eliot are arguing near one wall)
Nate: Itís the wrong machine, you idiot!
Eliot: No, itís either one or the other.
Nate: No, itís not one or the other. Itís got to be the right one.
Eliot: I canít bring the VLF down and the pulse-induction machine. You canít -- oh. It just doesnít work.
Nate: Oh, wow. Look whoís here. Oh, yeah. I remember you. Yeah, the tough guy.
Barbara: South wall of the east-facing alcove.
Nate: Cipher? Yeah, you know where the cipher is, huh?
Nate: Is that what --
Tommy: Back off.
Barbara: I know exactly where the treasure is.
Eliot: In these walls? These are the sub-foundations for the buildings above. This concreteís at least two feet thick.
Nate: Youíre gonna need us if it is buried in here, which I donít know if it is. But youíre gonna need a Seekson 560 drill to get through the cement and mortar.
Eliot: You need a 560 drill.
Nate: Thatís right, which I know you donít have.
Tommy: A what?
Nate: A Seekson 560 long-hole drill. Very expensive, highly regulated in the state of Oregon, yeah, which is why you need me, Ďcause I have my engineer, Bowden, here. He has access to one of those drills.
Eliot: I can get one.
Nate: Now, Iíd get one. Iím just not liquid right now to get something like that. But, uh, give me the 34 G for the drill, weíll go 50/50 on the treasure.
Barbara: Give us your card. Iíll think about it and give you a call. (Nate hands her the card) Thanks.
(the Madsens walk away)
(the Madsens get in their car and drive away. Nate and Hardison exit onto the street)
Hardison: You blown away yet, Nate?
Hardison: Come on, man. You know, like-like the dude in that famous Maxell stereo commercial, chilliní back in the leather chair, but instead of sound, youíre blown away by the power of my mind. Come on, man.
Nate: Now, listen, man. Donít get ahead of yourself. You know, the Madsens havenít made up their mind yet.
Hardison: Nate, theyíre already hooked. You know it.
Nate: Itís a good plan. Iíll give you that.
Hardison: Thank you. Was that so hard? No.
Nate: Listen, Hardison. The only thing success teaches you in this job is the next time, make it a little tougher. And tougher means more risk, more danger, more pressure on yourself. And that pressure begins to take a toll. You know, you begin to see the absolute worst in people. Their sins, their weaknesses, things you take advantage of. And after a while, you realize that maybe the job has changed you. And not always for the better.
Hardison: Okay, Mercury, Mr. Punchy, Tommy Madsen is inbound with a check for $34,000. Up top. Give me some.
Sophie: Uh, no. I donít high-- high-five. But well done.
Hardison: Thank you. Would you mind putting that on the evaluation form?
Sophie: Oh. Okay.
(Eliot shows Nate something on his cell phone)
Nate: What am I looking at?
Eliot: Just check it out.
Nate: Seriously? Listen. Not now.
Nate: Parker, you good?
Parker: Yeah, Iím good.
Nate: Hardison, weíre ready.
Hardison: You know what? To tell you the truth, I had no idea.
Eliot: About what?
Hardison: Oh, you knowÖ
Hardison: When things come together so smoothly, when it all just clicks according to your beautiful and complicated plan... Just how sorry you feel for them.
Nate: For them? No.
Nate: For us, yes.
Hardison: Oh, youíre just jealous--
Hardison: --of the puppet master. (wriggles hands)
Sophie: What? Thatís not ďpuppet master.Ē (imitates Hardison) Thatís jazz hands. (changes hand signal) Thatís puppet master.
Hardison: Thatís hang loose.
Sophie: No. (changes hand signal) That is hang loose.
Hardison: Oh, you know how to hang loose, but you donít know how to high-five?
Nate: All right, guys, Tommy Madsen is here.
(Tommy hands Nate an envelope. Nate pulls a check from inside)
Nate: Why is it made out to the mining equipment company?
Tommy: Yep. New terms. 70/30 split.
Nate: But thatís not what we agreed to, though.
Tommy: That was -- that was with my sister. And she is not a good negotiator. 70/30 split. We did all the heavy lifting, we found the location. We deserve a bigger cut. 70/30.
Hardison: Okay, these are all very valid points.
Hardison: Nate. Just take the deal. J-j-just take the damn deal.
Nate: Yeah, Iím trying to, Hardison.
Nate: What? 70/30. Good.
Tommy: Call us when youíre ready to hit the tunnels. (walks away)
Nate: This is what I was afraid of.
Nate (approaches with drill): Itís just gonna take a couple of minutes. Iím going three feet into that wall. Why donít you wait outside.
Tommy: Yeah, so you can run away with all the gold. I wasnít born yesterday.
Eliot: Mr. Granzenís right -- you canít be around this piece of equipment when itís working. Itís a very dangerous piece of equipment. Stuff flies off the wall. There are sparks. What Iíve done, though, (hands Tommy a pad computer) is Iíve put three CCTVs up -- one right there and one right there (points to cameras) where you can see what the drillís actually doing into the wall, and then thereís one up there, and if you look at the pad...
Nate: Hey, hey. Get them out. Get them out.
Eliot: All right, you got to go. You canít stay here.
(Nate turns on the drill)
Eliot: Okay, come on. Got to go, got to go.
(Eliot ushers the Madsens through a door and closes it. They watch on the pad as Nate drills into the wall, then pulls the drill free, pulling out what looks like gold dust and showing it to the camera)
Barbara: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Tommy: Thatís gold. I think thatís gold.
Barbara: We found it!
Tommy: We did it.
Barbara: We did it!
(a noise rumbles through the area, Nate looks around. Water pours through the hole and the ceiling collapses on Nate. Water comes out from under the door)
Barbara: Whatís going on?
Eliot: We got to go.
Tommy: Did he -- did he --
Eliot: Yeah. Yeah. Letís go. Go! Itís gonna collapse!
(they begin running down the tunnel)
(Hardison and Sophie watch as the tunnel collapses on Nate)
Sophie: What? How did you do that?
Bellhop: Room service.
(Hardison opens the hotel room door, looks at the tray full of apple juice, and lets the bellhop inside. He pours the juice into a pressure sprayer.)
(Nate picks up some of the gold dust from the hole. On the other side, Parker holds the pressure sprayer, and sprays apple juice through the hole)
(in the hotel room, Hardison initiates a cave-in program on his laptop, which sends the proper sounds to the speakers installed in the tunnels)
(Nate bangs on the door with a large hammer, then pours a bucket of liquid against the base of the door, which splashes through to the other side)
(the Madsens and Eliot climb onto street level)
Eliot: Thatís it, man. Iím out of here. Dealís off!
Tommy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Why? Why?
Eliot: Lenny Granzen is dead down there, man! Itís a crime scene! Thatís why!
Tommy: He knew the risks going in. If we donít go after that gold, itíll be in vain. Thereís got to be another way in, through the floor of the sub-basement.
Eliot: And risk the landlord learning about us, huh? Howís that gonna work out? And guess who gets the gold in that scenario, bright guy. Not you and not me, okay? The only way to get to the gold back is to contain the whole place, the whole situation.
Barbara: How do we do that?
Eliot: Weíve got to own the whole damn building and everything thatís underneath it and all the mineral rights. Thatís it.
Tommy: Help us out. Iíll make it worth your while.
Barbara: Come on. Weíre so close.
Eliot: All right. I know the owner. Okay, and he has been talking about selling this place for a couple of years.
Barbara: Whatís he asking for it?
Eliot: $4.2 million. Million dollars. Million, thatís Ė you have that kind of money? ĎCause I donít have that kind of money. Iím on city salary here.
Barbara: Letís do it.
Eliot: J-just like that?
Tommy: You convince your buddy to close at $4 million ASAP, and we will cut you in for 10% of the treasure. Are you game?
Eliot: All right. (walks away)
Sophie: Let me get this straight. The watch, the chest, the cipher, the Cantonese Bible, t-t-the tunnel cave-in Ė
Hardison: Well, it was a fake cave-in. You see, the rocks were just painted styrofoam.
Sophie: Whatever -- a staged tragic death... All for a land deal?
Hardison: Itís impressive, huh?
Sophie: Hardison, I once pulled off a land deal with a half a glass of champagne and a low-cut dress. Look, a land deal needs an attorney. Whoís gonna close this deal?
Hardison: Iím saving that last piece of this beautiful symphony for myself.
Eliot: Yeah, well, you better hurry up, all right, Ďcause the Madsens just called, and theyíre so excited, they want to push the closing up till tomorrow morning.
Eliot: Howís that fit in your little symphony?
Hardison (stands up): Wait, no. Wait, wait. I -- I mean, Iím not even ready. I donít even have a Swiss bank account to transfer the funds into.
Nate (climbs to street level): Well, you better find one. And you better find a real-estate attorneyís office and clear it out quick.
Eliot: Iím getting sick of this, man. Youíd better have this down, Hardison.
Parker: All our identities were burned on other parts of the con.
Nate: Itís all on you, Hardison.
Hardison: How am I gonna do this?
Nate: Youíre the puppet master. Pull your strings.
Sophie (waves hands): Jazz hands.
Lawyer (on phone): I called IT 20 minutes ago. Where the hell is the kid? This computer virus is about to give me a frigginí aneurysm.
(Hardison knocks on the door)
Lawyer: Can I help you, sir? You here to see an attorney?
Lawyer: Sure as hell the best-dressed IT guy I have ever seen.
Hardison: Age of the geek, baby. Can I get in there?
Lawyer: Please. (sits down in a chair across from the desk)
Hardison: Ouch. Looks like this is gonna take me a while. You should probably take your lunch break.
Lawyer: Canít. Too much work.
Hardison: Listen, in order for me to completely scrub your PC clean, Iím gonna have to go through every website youíve ever been to.
Hardison: Every. And if youíre like most people, thatís not so flattering, hmm-mm?
Lawyer: You know what? Iíll take that lunch.
Hardison: Oh, you do that.
(Lawyer leaves, Hardison sets up the office like his own. A few minutes later, Hardison is sitting with the Madsens)
Hardison: All righty. Mr. Madsen, Miss Madsen, please do the honors of signing the flagged pages where indicated.
Barbara (hesitates): You know, Iíve had this nagging feeling all morning about this deal.
Barbara: Have we made this thing... I donít know. Has it gotten too complicated?
Hardison: No. No.
Tommy: Have I seen you someplace before?
Hardison: Oh, I-I donít think so. Portland is a very small city, so...
Tommy: Yeah, I know the feeling that youíre talking about, B. ĎCause I have been going over in my head... Remember when you once told me that there is never a get-rich scheme Ė
Barbara: That ever pan out.
Hardison: Ah, let me point out to you two that you are getting an excellent bargain on this property. Really, you have no idea what it took to put this deal together -- no idea.
Barbara: You know, itís like, every time we found something, another obstacle just fell in our path. And it got frustrating.
Hardison: I donít think so.
Barbara: And more and more complicated.
Tommy: Super complicated.
Hardison: Uh, uh, I mean, you keep saying ďcomplicated.Ē I donít -- I donít -- itís really not complicated. Just sign right there, right -- it says -- says right there by the tape ďsign,Ē so...
Tommy: We are gold people. Remember what we always say, that gold is a metal that forever increases in value.
Hardison: Can -- can -- can you please just -- uh, stop wasting our time and sign the documents?
Tommy: I donít think I like your tone. (stands) And you do look familiar to me.
Hardison: Do I?
(a secretary knocks on the door, then opens it)
Secretary: Oh. Whereís Mr. Manchester?
Tommy: Manchester? I thought your name was Learl.
Hardison: It is, and this is my space.
Tommy: Oh. He -- Th-- oh, the woman who came in with the gold watch to our store the day, the one day that you... had no work.
Hardison: I donít know --
Barbara: The professor, the antiquities collector -- it all felt funny. Donít you see? Theyíre con men.
Hardison: Con? Who? Conning who?
Barbara: Theyíre trying to rip us off.
Hardison: No, thatís Ė (Tommy lunges for Hardison) Hey! Whoa! Hey! (Hardison breaks for the door) Go. Move. Move.
Tommy: Come back here!
(Hardison dashes to an elevator, where Nate is waiting)
Hardison: Oh, no. (pulls down gate)
Nate: Oh, yes! (closes inner gate)
Hardison: Oh, boy.
Tommy (hitting on gate as the elevator goes down): We will call the cops! We will get you!
Hardison: I donít know what happened. I had them, and I just...
Nate: Didnít anticipate the rage-quit?
Hardison: You know gamer terminology?
Nate: I know the key to a good game is balancing boredom and frustration. You know, the game, the puzzleís too easy, then the mark, the player, gets bored and walks away. The puzzleís too hard, the player gets frustrated and quits in a rage -- rage-quit.
Hardison: How do you know that?
Nate: I know a few things, Hardison. I know that an overcomplicated puzzle eventually begs the question -- is it really worth it? Hey. Keep your chin up. Not all is not lost, you know?
Hardison: Howís that? They didnít sign.
Nate: No, of course not. That was just to distract them from the heist.
Hardison: The heist? What heist?
[Gold to Be Sold Warehouse]
(the Madsens enter the warehouse)
Tommy: Roy! Roy!
Roy: Over here.
Tommy: Roy, call the police. We have a crime to report.
Barbara: And that professor. Donít forget that professor.
Roy: Uh, did something happen?
Tommy: Never mind. Iíll do it myself.
Roy: Good news, Ms. Madsen. Contillix lifted the quality rating. Theyíll be taking the shipments back tomorrow.
Barbara: Great. Great, thatís -- Theyíll be doing what?
Roy: Remember, they sent all the gold back. I told you.
(armored truck backs into warehouse)
Barbara: What the hellís going on, Roy?
Roy: Contillix sent the gold shipment back. Said the purity rating on the last trucks dipped below three nines fine.
Roy: What do you want to do about the, um --
Tommy: Hey, B! Let me show you this. A downtown antique dealer brought that in. You think it might be worth something?
Roy (looks at shipment): All right. I guess weíll just put it in the vault for now.
(Tommy sets a pallet of gold bars into the vault)
[Gold to Be Sold Warehouse]
Barbara: You put the gold in the vault?
Roy: Yeah, three daysí worth.
Tommy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Roy: Thatís how long we were shut down.
Tommy: The vault is useless!
(Tommy runs to the vault and opens it, finding a hole in the floor but no gold. Barbara looks down and realizes the necklace sheís been wearing is missing)
Barbara: Whereíd that go?
Ms Campston: How on earth did you find it?
Nate: Well, we learned that Barbara Madsen had taken a personal liking to it and was wearing it.
Hardison: So we sent one of our best retrieval specialists to go get it.
(the Madsens look over the case in Parkerís Antique warehouse)
Parker: Okay, well, Iíll just be over here if you guys need anything.
(Parker lifts the necklace from Barbaraís neck)
Nate: We also obtained the ďGold to be SoldĒ customer list.
Hardison: Which means that weíll be sending restitution checks to all the other victims from a special fund established in your grandmotherís name.
Ms Campston: You have no idea how much that means to me. I canít thank you enough. Ever since I lost my job a few years ago, nothingís gone my way. This is the first time I -- I feel different.
Hardison: Well, the Madsens should be losing their jobs right about now.
Nate: Yeah, I would say theyíd be getting their, uh, pink slip very soon. Hmm.
[Gold to Be Sold Warehouse]
(police car pulls into the warehouse, sirens blaring)
Barbara: Did you catch the guys who stole our gold?
Investigator: Yeah -- about that, Ms. Madsen, your insurance company contacted us regarding your claim. Yeah, theyíre just not buying this story that they broke in here and that they knew how to use your highly regulated drill that you just bought, and then use it to rob your fake, useless vault. I mean, thatís got to be the worst insurance-scam story I have ever heard. Cuff Ďem.
(officers cuff the Madsens and lead them toward the police car)
Barbara: That is exactly what happened! They were con men! They played us!
Inspector: Yeah, you know what? Tell that to a judge. Insurance fraud is a felony in Oregon.
Tommy: Itís your fault, B.
Barbara: My fault?!
Tommy: ďShanghai tunnels. How could you not know?Ē
Barbara: They went to you first because they knew that you would be dumb enough to buy it.
Tommy: Y-youíre dumb.
(Hardison sits at the table writing)
Eliot: How many restitution checks you writing?
Hardison: Uh, so far, 200. Iíve got 100 to go.
Eliot (tosses an envelope down): You got mail. (to Nate) Iím out, man.
(Hardison opens the envelope to find written on hotel stationary ďA) Choke off the distribution. B) Buy a drill. C) Break into vault.Ē)
Hardison: How? How could you have possibly known this?
Nate: I knew enough. I knew you had a complicated con in the works. And I knew, as long as we had those three things on the list and that Barbara Madsen was distracted from all that gold piling up in that useless vault, that we had a shot at taking over the family business. You never count on the perfect plan. You know, the perfect plan, it has too many moving parts, and itís... you got to expect the perfect plan to fail. I mean, thatís what I do.
Hardison: Then what do you count on?
Nate: I count on the simplest and ugliest plan, not plan ďA,Ē no, but, like, plan ďG,Ē for example. I start with plan ďG.Ē Now, the quick, simple, ugly plan that I know is gonna work if everything goes bad. I just pretty it up a little bit, add this and that. I gave you a backup plan. Thatís all. You know, Hardison, you should be proud.
Hardison: Proud? My first job completely fell apart.
Nate: Hey... It was a good plan. It was a smart plan, clever. Donít sell yourself short.
(Hardison goes back to writing checks. Nate pulls a piece of paper from inside his shirt and fills it out, then lays it on the table in front of Hardison)
Hardison: Whatís this?
Nate: Oh, uh, itís an evaluation form. Good night, Hardison. (heads upstairs)
Hardison: Hey, Nathan. Thanks, man.