Leverage Transcripts derived from the closed captions available online and formated by slaysvamps. Feel free to download and share, but please give credit and a link back to me here.
Leverage Main | When Darkness Falls

5x04 The French Connection Job

[Northern Culinary School]

(Lampard and his minions enter a kitchen)

Man: I'd rather do this in a back alley or somewhere.

Lampard: You watch too many movies. The cash.

(minion shows the cash. Man shows him the truffles)

Lampard: Yeah, your product's great, but I can't afford your prices anymore.

Man: Price is non-negotiable.

Toby: What were you thinking, David - banning my students from the school?

Lampard: This is not the time or place.

Man: $12,000 a kilo, Lampard. Non-negotiable.

Toby: Oh, my God. You two are - you won't get away with this.

(Minion grabs Toby and hits him several times)

Lampard: This school is no longer a school for troubled youth, as you call it, and you no longer work here.

(Lampard walks away and minion continues to beat Toby)

[Brew Pub]

Toby: Look - my body will heal. It's about my students. These kids, they come from foster homes. A lot of them have a-arrest records. They can't afford normal trade school, never mind culinary school. I was giving them a second chance. We're about to open a restaurant at the school, give them job opportunities. Now they have nowhere to go.

Eliot: And all this so Lampard can jack up the tuition costs?

Toby: He says nobody cares about the art, that they all just want to be celebrity chefs, get their own TV show. He's charging 30 grand tuition, promising folks they can become rock-star chefs or something.

Nate: This doesn't explain the beating that you took.

Toby: I'm pretty sure Lampard's dealing drugs.

Nate: How do you know?

Toby: I walked in on him and a couple of guys. They exchanged a briefcase full of cash for a big duffel bag.

Nate: Did - did you see any drugs?

Toby: I did hear someone say the price was $12,000 a kilo.

Eliot: Cocaine.

Toby: Can you help me?

Nate (to Eliot): Can I talk to you? (the two men walk away) It just - it seems like he should go to the police.

Eliot: I know what you're gonna say, Nate, but I want to tell you something about Toby. He taught me how to use a knife.

Nate: Use a knife?

Eliot: No. Not like I use a knife. He taught me how to cook. I was out of the service, and I was working for my second PMC. And the jobs we were taking were way across the line - past extractions and security actions.

Nate: Wetwork.

Eliot: Yeah. Anyway, I met Toby. We were reconning this restaurant in Belgium. And I should have closed him out. I should have been in and out in under 90 seconds. But I ended up talking to him for three hours. He showed me that I could use my knife to create instead of destroy. I stuck around for a couple of months. He taught me everything there was about the art of food, and I... He's one of the guys that kept me from falling all the way down. So now, I'm asking the other guy to understand why I'm gonna help him.

[Leverage Headquarters]

(Parker is flipping through a book)

Hardison: Hey. You seem kind of down lately, girl. What's up? Talk to me.

Eliot (from Brew Pub): Hardison - delivery!

Parker: Well, I feel -

Hardison (moving away): Oh, that's my stuff.

(Parker closes the book and sighs)

[Brew Pub]

Hardison: Yeah. (signs manifest) You know, I usually have to order these from Holland. But they have a store right here in Portland, man. (moves away)

Eliot (stops him): Whoa. (gestures toward delivery man)

Hardison: What?

Eliot: You got to tip the guy.

Hardison: For doing his job?

Eliot: Hardison, he rode all the way over here on a bike to deliver your...

Hardison: That ain't nothing special. He got some exercise.

Eliot:...Dungeons & Dragons crap you ordered.

Hardison: He didn't bring me no cupcakes, no flowers, cards - nothing. You want a tip, little Stanley Tucci-looking... (give man change) Boom, boom, boom. Two quarters, two pennies. Go buy your mama something.

[Leverage Headquarters]

Hardison: Oh, this town rocks. Who would have known that you can get a negative ion capacitor here? Seriously.

Nate: Okay, Sophie is still at the theater, doing whatever she's doing, so let's just do this.

Hardison: All right. (brings information up on monitors) David Lampard. He's a former chef. He wanted to be like an Emeril or Mario Batali, but he couldn't cut it in the big kitchens, so he turned to investing. He takes over cooking schools that need help. He charges ridiculous tuition, but he offers loans at a bargain interest rate of 30%. Now, if people can't pay, he takes their cars, their homes, whatever. I mean, he's basically a loan shark, but the legal kind. I mean, all his accounts are legit. All the money's in the right spots.

Nate: Okay, yeah, but according to Eliot's friend, it's not about money. It's about drugs.

Hardison: Ah. You see, Lampard took three trips to France in the last six months, which, for a guy in the food biz, is not weird except for the fact that, according to his GPS, he never spent any time in the food world.

Eliot: Where was he?

Hardison: Out in the middle of nowhere, under bridges, in back alleys.

Parker: So, what? They're bringing drugs in from France?

Eliot: He's probably buying them wholesale from the French and then shipping them here.

Nate: Yeah, but, I mean, it doesn't surprise me that his accounts are clean. I mean, dealers don't hide their money in accounts.

Parker: So, where are they hiding it?

Nate: Safest place they know - right next to their stash. So what we got to do is we got to steal the stash, forcing Lampard to give the new restaurant and the school back to Toby Heath. Sophie, we need you to come in.


Sophie: Nate, we're in the middle of a Meisner exercise. You're happy.

Zachary: I'm happy.

Sophie: You're happy.

Zachary: I'm happy.

Nate: Glad everyone's happy. Um, your day job needs you.

(Sophie gets up and groans)

Zachary: Oh, God, did I do it wrong?

Sophie: No, no, no, no, no, no. You're fine. I just have these... voices in my head. Take five, everybody. (walks away) 45.

[Northern Culinary School]

Sophie: I know it's short notice, but our celebrity chef just dropped out, and the network think you're a perfect replacement for the U.S. launch. The show is called "From Pole to Plate: Cooking with Strippers." Hmm? - But we haven't sorted the accommodation yet, so you'd have to live with the strippers to start off with.

Chef: Hell, yeah.

Sophie: I hope that's not gonna be a...

(Chef leaves)

Sophie: Ah, Nate, one teaching chef cleared out.

Nate: Great.

[Leverage Headquarters]

Nate: Okay, now, Hardison, remember, the objective here is to blend in. But, ah…


Nate: …we need to find out where Lampard keeps his money and drugs.

Hardison: No worries, Nate. Man, my focus is like a - laser! Oh! Squiggles. Yeah! We got a class-four laser. Oh, liquid nitrogen tubes, cryo gun. It's going down. This is why you're all here, right?

Whitney: Daddy took away my beemer until I get some kind of degree.

Leo: I want to start an organic restaurant that's only open on the vernal equinox.

Hardison: The hell's an equinox?

Hope: I'm just sick of the way my husband looks at Marta, our housekeeper, when she's cooking.

Eliot: All right, everybody, listen up. Come down to table two, line up. (pulls a knife) The chef that was gonna be with you today has booked another gig, so I am your new instructor.

Hope: What's your name?

Eliot: Chef. (starts cutting celery) This is not a class about cooking. Doesn't have anything to do with temperatures. All right, it's not about measurements. It has nothing to do with what ingredients go with what. W- w-what are you doing?

Hope: I'm texting Sydney. We're supposed to go shopping after the -

Eliot (takes phone from Hope and tosses it behind him): Food is life. Food... is life. Food is life. What is food?

Hope: Food is life?

Eliot: Food is life. Learn it. You will take this class seriously. Because if you don't, I'll throw your ass out of here quicker than you -

Hardison: I get to fire a laser. Yeah. Geeking in the kitchen. Uh, make you want to dance.

[Leverage Headquarters]

Eliot: We're here to cook food, not play with lasers.

Parker: Why is Eliot so "Aah!" about food?

Nate: It's his passion. You okay?

Parker: Uh-huh?

Nate: How, um - how do you like being in Portland?

Parker: It's fine. Hardison and I are fine, and everything with the new Leverage is fine.

Nate: Parker, what's going on?

Parker: I just - I don't have a thing.

Nate: What do you mean, "a thing"?

Parker: Eliot has a thing. He loves food. Sophie loves theater. You have a sicko love of controlling people.

Nate: I don't have a sicko love - Let's stay on you. Art. What do you - what do you see when you look at Michelangelo's David?

Parker: Mark two laser grid around it, infrared on the floor, need a harness rated for six tons attached to a chopper to lift it out through a skylight.

Nate: Eliot, Hardison, how are we doing?


Eliot: Nate, I already swept the kitchen twice. There's no drugs. (to Hardison) Did you find anything?

Hardison: I think I did, man. Check it out. (fires gun) What? Wha- what? What?! Hey. Think about it. Levitating food could replace waiters.

Eliot: I will stab you in the neck.

Hardison: Don't hate the barbecue. Hate the sides.

Eliot: I'm gonna make one more sweep. I suggest you do the same. (to class) Everybody, keep doing what you're doing. I'll be right back.

Hardison: Well, I'm-a - I'm gonna hit the head - or the - uh, the bathroom, or what- whatever y'all call it in cooking school.

Eliot: It's a culinary institute.

Hardison: Culinary food and school institute, got it.

Eliot: You're screwing this up!

(Leo picks up the gun and Hardison takes it away from him)

Hardison: My damn gun.

Leo: Sorry.

[Misc Locations]

(Eliot begins looking through a large food storage area. Hardison looks through a number of uniforms. Eliot checks a dining area. Hardison checks a locker room)

[Walk-in Freezer]

Eliot: Nate, I've checked every kitchen and refrigerator in... (sees wheels on a rack) Wait a minute.

(Eliot goes to move the rack when Rampone enters the kitchen

Rampone: What are you doing in here?

Eliot: I was, uh... I was looking for some ice. The, uh, well, ice machine got busted.

Rampone: Well, this freezer's off-limits.

Eliot: Okay.

Rampone: I'll check the ice machine.

Eliot: All right.

Rampone: Mr. Lampard would like to see you in his kitchen.


Rampone: Found him. He was looking for ice.

Lampard: Oh, there you are. Listen, I need an executive chef for the new restaurant, and I want it to be you.

Eliot: You haven't even tasted my food.

Lampard: Well, taste is overrated. Trust me. Food is all about the hype. People pay 100 bucks for a burger because they think it's from a Japanese cow. It's the sizzle that sells, and I like your sizzle. This whole ninja vibe you've got going on. Customers are gonna love it.

Eliot: Listen, my students, they're - they're not ready to put food out.

Lampard: Hey, they're paying 30 G's to go to this school. Any one of them could be the next culinary superstar.


(Leo carefully places food on a plate)

Eliot: Did you glue this to the plate? You don't decorate the plate.

Leo: Don't harsh my mellow.


Eliot: Yeah, I don't know about that.

[Ice Machine]

(Rampone checks the ice machine temperature and sees that it isn’t working. He walks out of the room and Hardison comes around a corner, holding the cooling coils from the ice machine)


Lampard: Just put together a good menu, don't kill me on the food costs, and do your act. Maybe kick a customer or two out of the restaurant. But not on opening night - that has to go perfectly.

Eliot: You're not li-

Rampone: Jean-Luc is here.

Lampard (to Eliot): Go back to the kitchen. (to Rampone)I told him I didn't want to meet here anymore.


(Eliot sees Jean-Luc and his men walking down the hallway toward the kitchen. One of Jean-Luc’s men closes the kitchen door)

Lampard: Jean-Luc, I said not here.

Jean-Luc: When I have product, you take delivery.

Eliot: Nate, it's not drugs Lampard's dealing. It's bigger.

[Leverage Headquarters]

Eliot: It's a lot bigger.

Nate: Oh, yeah? Well, if it's not drugs, what is it?


Eliot: Truffles.

[Brew Pub]

(Eliot places a truffle on a table in front of Nate)

Eliot: It's the French winter truffle. Black market on these things are off the charts. You can't grow 'em, you can't make 'em, they just... appear, like mushrooms. High-end restaurants'll pay 5, up to 6 grand a pound.

Nate: 13 grand a kilo wholesale, cocain's what 12 a key and, heroine's.. 18?

Eliot: Less than that in Mexico, a little more in South-East Asia.

Nate: So, truffles are the cocaine of the food world.

Eliot: When I was walking by those guys, they had a bag. And I smelled it. Nothing smells like a French truffle. Lampard's selling them to restaurants, others chefs. Him and Jean-Luc are splitting the profit. What now?

Nate: Cocaine or truffles, the play's the same. We got to find out where he's hiding them.

Eliot: I was in the refrigerator. That's where Rampone found me. Actually, he called it a freezer. Said it was off-limits.

Nate: Off-limits?

Eliot: Yeah, in a cooking school. That's where they are.

Nate: Sophie, we're gonna run a version of the White Van Speakers. Your acting students - uh...


Nate: Do you think they can handle it?

Sophie: Of course they can. They're my students.

(Zachary gives an Indian call and falls to the stage)

Nate: What was that?

Sophie: It's just Zachary getting to his authentic place.

[Brew Pub]

(Eliot is working in the kitchen, talking to Parker who is sitting at the bar)

Eliot: I'm gonna turn this place from a microbrewery into a gastropub. What do you think about that?

Parker: Teach me to like stuff.

Eliot: Parker, I don't have time for this, all right? I got to get this stuff done. Then I got to get back to the school.


Hardison: So, I filled the ink cartridges with orange juice, and I ran a sheet of potato starch through the printer, and voila... Edible paper. It's delicious. Now... goggles. Place the paper right here, and when I fire the laser at it, it will create a vapor that is going to float and rise into the inverted wine glasses.

Whitney: I don't think chef scary guy is gonna like this. He said we were just supposed to prep till he gets here.

Hardison: Okay. Excuse you, miss thing. I am prepping. I am prepping a citrus wine complement with a laser.

(Nate enters the room and takes a bite of food)

Hope: Hi.

Whitney: If you're looking for chef, he's running late.

(Nate walks away, watched by the students)

Hope: Rawr!

Hardison: Sure are a lot of shifty people around here.

(Rampone enters the room)

Hope: Oh, Mr. Rampone?

Rampone: Yes?

Hope: Looks like you've got competition in the male cougar department.

Hardison: Yeah, man, he was just here, looking all kinds of shifty.

Rampone: What do you mean, "shifty?"

Hardison: What do you mean, what do I mean? Sh-sh-shifty. It's just - like you. Shifty. Like, dressed in black, everything - shifty.

(Rampone walks away)

Hardison: Goggles. (leans over the laser)

[Walk-in Refrigerator]

(Nate places a camera on the wall)


Lampard: Who are you?

Nate: Oh, hello. Gnar Slabdash. The "N" is mostly silent.

Lampard: What are you doing in here?

Rampone: Boss, some of the guys saw a... guy sneaking around.

Lampard: Good work, Rampone. Mister...

Nate: Uh, Slabdash. Um, I'm a food mover.

Lampard: What exactly are you saying?

Nate: I think you know exactly what I'm saying.

Lampard: Spell it out.

Nate: Well, if you want to make a smoothie, you need to make sure that you're gonna blend the right fruit, yes?

Lampard: You're not very good at spelling.

Nate: I deal in certain food products that certain high-end restaurants find extremely valuable.

Lampard: You offering me a deal on some kind of a rare fruit, like a cherimoya?

Nate: Oh, no. I-I actually don't get out of the tub for cherimoya. No. Truffles - looking to move truffles. Black winter - looking to move them fast and quick. Interested?

Lampard: I have plenty.

Nate: Let me ask you something. Are you still getting them from France? Is Napoléon bringing them to you on his horse?

Rampone: Napoléon's dead.

Lampard: Thank you, Rampone. Where else am I supposed to get French truffles from?

Nate: Forget it, Lampard. I thought you were living in the modern world. I'm in the wrong place. (walks out)

Lampard: I'm going out for a while.

[Brew Pub]

(Eliot puts a plate of food in front of Parker)

Parker: It's just food.

Eliot: It's not just food, all right? Some people could look at it and see just food, but not me. I see art. When I'm in the kitchen, I'm - I'm creating something out of nothing. You know what I mean? And sometimes, I crush it. Sometimes, it's crap. But either way, it makes me feel something.

Parker: Feel what?

Eliot: Just... feel.

Parker: Feel. Okay.

Eliot: You know, I didn't feel anything for a long time, and Toby taught me how to cook, and after he did, I started to feel stuff again. That's why I share it through my food. This is my art. This is my art, Parker. It's like letting a stranger in your head just for a second. And you allow them to feel what you're feeling. (pushes plate closer to Parker) Look again.

[Exterior field]

(Nate and Sophie examine the ground and pick up a truffle)

Lampard: The climate, the land... This is France.

Nate: Oh, Lampard.

Lampard: This your land, mister, uh...?

Nate: Gnar Slabdash. The "N" is mostly silent. No, actually, the land here, it belongs to this lovely creature - Rebecca Wambach.

Lampard: David Lampard.

Sophie: Are you a friend of Gnar's?

Lampard: I'm working on it. May I see it? The truffle?

Nate: Oh, this? Sure. (hands him the truffle)

Lampard: Thank you. (tastes the truffle) This is a French truffle.

Nate: Except we're in Oregon.

Lampard: Are there others?

Nate: A few.

Sophie: Thousands of them.

Nate: I thought you said you had plenty.

Lampard: One can never have enough truffles.

Sophie: You see, that's why I'm donating these to the local co-ops.

Nate: She might, uh, you know, take a few and sell them and - and use the proceeds to do something for the locals, like open up another bookstore.

Sophie: No, these truffles belong to the city of Portland. You know, that's what I did back in the U.K., see? Yeah - open-source food. That's what it's all about these days.

Nate: Rebecca, darling, lovely, uh, I - If my new friend and I could just have a word.

Sophie: Oh, right. I'll go and check on my crooknecks, then. (walks away)

Lampard: This is your modern world - ripping off some hippie chick.

Nate: Ah, well. Okay.

Lampard: How much land does she have?

Nate: Uh, 16,000 acres.

Lampard: And how much has truffles growing on it?

Nate: 16,000 acres.

Lampard: Get me 20 pounds by tonight, I'll pay you five grand.

Nate: Hmm. Do you know what my, um - my first squash teacher told me? If you're gonna play with a broken racquet, take care to lob your shots.

Lampard: Does that mean you're in?

Nate: No, actually, it doesn't mean I'm in. It means that you need to pay fair market price if you want my truffles. $2,000 a pound.

Lampard: Well, I can see I can't pull one over on you, mister, uh...

Nate: Slabdash. It's Gnar Slabdash. The "N" is -

Lampard: Mostly silent, yeah. $40,000. Three hours. (moves to walk away)

Nate: Oh, and um, if you...

(Lampard gives him back the truffle)

Nate: Thank you.

[Brew Pub]

Toby: 16 pounds is all I could get. A former student of mine in Seattle gave me all he had. Has to take truffles off his menu for a while.

Sophie: Ahh. He'll get them back with interest.

Nate: Okay, so once Lampard buys these from us, we'll track where he keeps his French truffles and his cash. Everything all set with your students?

Sophie: Yes. It's gonna be Tony-worthy.

Nate: Well, I hope it's grifter-worthy. Hardison, how are we doing back there?

[Leverage Headquarters]

Hardison: We are good. The camera's operational. No matter where he hides those truffles, we'll see it.

[Brew Pub]

Nate: Okay. Wish me luck.

Eliot: Listen, I don't trust Lampard or Rampone, so be careful.

Nate: I'm always careful.

[Parking Garage]

(Nate is waiting while Rampone and Lampard pull up and get out of their vehigle)

Lampard (to Rampone): If I keep this idiot on a leash - selling truffles at half their value - I can cut out Jean-Luc and the frogs for good.

(Lampard and Rampone meet Nate halfway between their vehicles)

Lampard: Let's see the merch.

(Nate shows him the truffles)

Lampard: Doesn't look like 20 pounds.

Nate: Let me see the cash.

(Rampone opens a briefcase)

Nate: Doesn't look like $40,000.

Lampard: Well, you can count it after I weigh your bag. Now, my guess is as good as any scale. And you're light. Almost an eighth of a pound.

Nate: That's, uh... that's remarkable.

Lampard: Thank you. I'll take it anyway.

Nate: Can I have the cash, please?

(Rampone gives him the briefcase and Nate turns away)

Lampard: Hey, drop by the restaurant tomorrow night. I'll give you the friends-and-family discount.

Nate: Yeah, I'm taking Ms. Wambach to dinner, so...

Lampard: Bring her along. You can try one of our new signature black truffle dishes.

[Leverage Headquarters]

Nate: Okay, what do we got?

Hardison: Well, they're just coming in now.

Lampard: Okay, open it up, Rampone.

(on the monitors, Rampone opens a panel in the wall to reveal a safe. Lampard opens it and puts the truffles inside)

Nate: Okay, we're gonna do this when Lampard's distracted - tomorrow night, opening night of the restaurant.

Hardison: To- how are we gonna do that? He's gonna be all over that kitchen.

Nate: Well, not if a food critic is there.

Hardison: I'm on it. But you know Sophie burned her I.D. with the truffle hippie.


Eliot: Parker can do it.

[Leverage Headquarters]

Parker: No, I can't. I don't even like food.


Parker: Except for chocolate and doughnuts.

Eliot: Listen to me, Parker, you can do it, all right? Remember everything that we talked about.

[Leverage Headquarters]

Eliot: Nate, she can do it.

Nate: Yeah, okay. So, Parker, you're the food critic.

Hardison: I give you the foodie queen.

Parker: I can make or break a restaurant with just one review?

Hardison: Mm-hmm. Now, no one knows what the foodie queen looks like, except for this weird birthmark on her wrist, and this.

Nate: Ah. Nice.

Hardison: Wait - wait a minute. If Parker's on the floor, Eliot's in the kitchen...

Nate: Yeah.

Hardison:... Who's on the safe?

(Nate clears his throat)

Hardison: No. Mnh-mnh. No, no. You are not tearing me away from my molecular gastronomy genius. I think not.

Nate: It's what we were counting on.

Hardison: You can count on something else. Everyone, you know, has to have a role, yeah. I got a laser.

Nate: Do you hear that? What is that?

(angry voices come in from the Brew Pub)

[Brew Pub]

Zachary: I- I can't believe you think that I would do something like that! I mean, we have been together for three years now.

Woman: Three years.

Zachary: And apparently, that has meant absolutely nothing to you. I thought that we had a bond of trust, and apparently -

Nate: What's going on here?

Sophie: Huh? Oh, oh, oh! It's very exciting. She's accusing him of cheating on her with her sister-in-law. Yes, but the truth is, he's in love with her brother who works as a longshoreman on the same docks where Kitty Dukakis once slapped a drag queen in a fit of –

Nate: Oh, I'm sor- I get it. They're acting students of yours. I see.

Sophie: Yes! Yes. Nate, we're working on character and their backgrounds and their motivation, everyone. Good job. Oh, Nate, you know that the core of good acting comes from the persistence of tectonics.

Nate: No idea what that means. Very concerned that you do.

Sophie: Ignore him. He's not here. Now, remember the time we did it in sign language? This time, you're blind.

Zachary: Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?!

[Restaurant Kitchen]

Eliot: All right, people, listen up. You have made varsity. You're no longer on the J.V. team. Leo, you're on seafood all night. Right there. Don't move. Hope, you're on vegetables. Garnish, all right? Remember the pairing work that we went over. Whitney, come with me. You are gonna be on the grill, sweetheart, right here all night - my sidekick, okay? You - you're on supplies. Supply. You go... no. Go. Stop eating my food.


(Parker enters)

Hostess: Right this way, ma'am.

Lampard (gives Rampone a sketch): Keep an eye out for this one. Word is she's gonna be here tonight.

Rampone: I'm on it.

Nate (entering with Sophie): Ah, Lampard. You remember Rebecca.

Lampard: Yes, welcome. Welcome. We have an outstanding array of vegan choices.

Sophie: Oh, is it organically grown, ethically sourced, organically local?

Lampard (showing them to a table): Of course. Ahh. I use nothing but the finest Portland farmers for everything. (walking away to meet Rampone)

Rampone: The critic - she's here.

Lampard: Foodie queen?

Rampone: Mm-hmm.

Lampard: How do you know?

(Rampone shows him the scetch)

Lampard: Well, it looks like her. You know, I read one thing about her having a Crescent-shaped birthmark on one of her – (sees birthmark) oh. It's her.

(Rampone walks away. Lampard grabs a passing waiter)

Waiter: What?

Lampard: You're not serving table six. I am. No one serves table six but me, got it?

Waiter: Si, Senor.

Lampard (approaching table with wáter pitcher): Hello.

Parker: B-b-bup! (gestures him away)

Lampard: Jolly good. (moves away)

Nate: Okay, barring any unforeseen circumstances, we are good to go.

[Interior SUV]

Jean-Luc: Lampard thinks he can cut me out, huh? He wants to take my truffle business. Then I will take his most precious commodity. Patrice, go in there and bring me his chef.

(Patrice gets out of the car)


Lampard (sets food down in front of Parker): Here we go. Enjoy.

Sophie: Parker, let's give them some micro-expressions. When you take your first bite, just give a hint of a smile. Remember, the key is micro.

(Parker takes a bite and doesn’t enjoy it)

Sophie: Well that didn't work.

Nate: Okay, so, what's wrong?

Sophie: When someone really smiles, then their eyes wrinkle up. You know, you just can't help it. But if a smile's fake, then the muscles - they don't contract.

Nate: There isn't anything she likes or can connect with.

Sophie: Parker, this time, when you take a bite, think of the first time you stole something.

(Parker smiles and Lampard relaxes)

Nate: Yeah, listen - Lampard needs to see some anxiety in her, you know, just to have him stick around.

Sophie: Parker, take a bite, then blink, then think of... jazz.

(Parker takes a bit, then starts gagging, spitting out the food. Lampard scrambles to her table)

Lampard: Everything okay? Can I get you something?

Parker: Mm, ah, spring rolls.

Lampard: Spring rolls.

Nate: Nicely done.

[Restaurant Kitchen]

Eliot: All right, listen up. I need a wedge salad, two Delmonicos. I need another black tag.

Students: Yes, chef.

Hope: Oh, and I'm out of these purple tomatoes.

Eliot: Hope, those are red onions. Hardison!

Hardison: What?

Eliot: I need some more red onions in here. How long on those prawns, Leo?

Leo: 30 seconds, chef.

Eliot: I need them in 20, buddy. All right, let's go. Runners!

Students: Yes, chef.

Eliot: We need some runners in here!

(Patrice approaches Eliot)

Eliot: If you're not cooking, stay out of my kitchen.

Patrice: Chef, you come with me.

(Eliot punches Patrice in the throat as Leo watches. Eliot turns back to the food, but Patrice recovers and swings. Eliot blocks and punches Patrice. Leo moves closer to see)

Eliot: What?

(Behind Eliot, Patrice falls to the ground. Eliot gestures at the pan Leo is holding)

Eliot: Plate 'em!

(Patrice gets back up. Eliot picks up a pan and hits him in the face, knocking him down again)

Eliot: Runners!

Hardison (approaches Eliot): Is this how it's gonna be now, hmm? I'm the supplies guy?

Eliot: Take those down to Hope.

Hardison: To Hope?

Eliot: And stop eating my food.


Nate: Okay. Lampard's locked on. Go, Hardison.

[Interior SUV]

Jean-Luc: Where is Patrice? Samir, go get me the chef.

(Samir exits the SUV)


(Hardison exits kitchen and sees Rampone waiting in the hallway)

Hardison: Nate, it is time for plan "B."


Nate: Yeah, actually, that was plan "B." Okay, Parker, you need to get Hardison inside without tipping off Lampard.

Parker (into recorder): The spring rolls sneak up on you. The flavors come from somewhere else…


(Hardison listening to Parker on comm.)

Parker: …like a secret passage…


Parker: …in the back of my - what's it called? - Palate.

Hardison: Air duct.

[Restaurant Kitchen]

Hardison: Got it.

Eliot: How's it taste, Parker? You feeling anything?


Parker: The salsa verde is a nice marriage with the spring rolls, but while totally yummy, I just feel like... I should be feeling more.

[Restaurant Kitchen]

(Samir falls to the ground next to Patrice as Eliot walks toward the stove)

Eliot: Why didn't I think of that? All right, listen, I want to put bone marrow in the salsa verde.

Hope: So gross.

Eliot: No, it's not. It gives it the consistency that it's lacking. Go, right now. Bone marrow. No salsa verde flies out of this kitchen without bone marrow. "Yes, chef"?

Students: Yes, chef.

Eliot: Yes, chef.

[Walk-in Freezer]

(Hardison climbs in through an air duct)

Nate: How we doing, Hardison?

Hardison: Oh, we're good. Just swimming through an ocean of food. Side note - don't order the spinach.


Parker: I can taste garlic and mushrooms. And something else that makes me feel different.

[Walk-in Freezer]

Hardison: Wait - was that for me? 'Cause I-I don't get it.


Parker: No. It's the food. I get it. I feel something.

[Interior SUV]

Jean-Luc: What is going on in there, huh? Thierry, go bring them all back - Patrice, Samir, and that stupid chef.

(Thierry seems reluctant)

Jean-Luc: What's your problem, huh? He's just a chef. He's not a man. He cooks little food with little pots and pans. Come on. (speaking in French)

(Thierry gets out of the SUV)

[Walk-in Freezer]

(Hardison moves the panel aside and hooks up tubes to the safe door)

Hardison: You gonna put me on supplies. This is cooking with liquid nitrogen.


Parker: These black noodles are amazing!

Eliot: Parker, it's tagliolini nero con gamberi.

Parker: These are really good.

[Walk-in Freezer]

(Hardison injects a blue liquid into the hoses)

Hardison: I can make blue spaghetti, or I can blow a safe.

(Hardison flips a switch and steps back. After a moment, the doors fall off and Hardison pulls out two bags)

[Restaurant Kitchen]

(Eliot is stirring something in a small bowl when Thierry approaches)

Eliot: Taste this.

(Thierry takes a bite)

Eliot: Not too much ginger?

Thierry: Mnh-mnh.

(Theirry swings, Eliot blocks and knocks him down)

Whitney: Uh, chef? Chef?

Eliot: What?

Whitney: Should I plate the Delmonico?

Eliot: Perfect temperature. Good job, Whitney.

Whitney: Oh, my God! Thank you, thank you!

Eliot: Get it on the plate. Got to put it on the plate.

Whitney: Sorry. Sorry. I know. I know.

Eliot: Runners!

[Walk-in Freezer]

Hardison (pulling money from safe): Aw, yeah, baby. Money, money, money.

(As Hardison turns, Rampone grabs Hardison and begins choking him)

Hardison: I'll bite you. I'll bite you!

(Hardison bites Rampone's hand and pushes the man back before running for the door)

Hardison: Nate, coming in hot.


Nate: Okay, Sophie, you're on.

Sophie (stands and says loudly): Ladies and gentlemen, I think we should all stand up - stand up and give a big thank-you to David Lampard for this lovely food that we're enjoying.

Lampard: You don't have to -

Sophie: I know you all know what tree hugging is, but I think - why don't we try hugging a chef? (actors begin hugging Lampard) Hug a chef, why don't you?

Sophie: All right. Lovely. Oh, that's a lovely hug.

Lampard: Okay, you can let go. Please.

(Hardison pushes his way through, followed by Rampone)

Lampard: My goodness.

(Rampone tries to run through but Zachary grabs him in a big hug. After a moment Rampone pulls away and runs after Hardison)

Sophie: Oh, look. There's a group hug.

(Lampard sees Nate standing to one side, watching with a smirk. Lampard looks worried and makes his way through the still hugging diners)

[Interior SUV]

(Jean-Luc watches the movement inside of the restaurant with concern, then starts the vehicle and drives away)


Sophie: Isn't he just gonna grab the truffles and run?

Nate: I hope so.

[Restaurant Kitchen]

Hardison (running through): Move, move, move, move!

Rampone (looking at Eliot): Spencer, right? I thought I recognized you.

Eliot: Everybody out - now! (to Hope) Good job tonight.

Hope: Thanks.

(Eliot grabs a small bottle and sprinkles the contents onto a plate of food)

Rampone: See, the whole hippie thing threw me off.

(Eliot puts a plate of food on the edge of the counter)

Eliot: I'm gonna eat that when I'm done with you.

Rampone: Yeah, you were a good operator, if I remember correctly.

Eliot: It's a different guy.

Rampone: Bad attitude.

Eliot: Same bad attitude, though. You hurt my friend, Rampone.

Rampone: I should have killed him.

(Rampone reaches behind his back as he sprinkles spices on the plate of food. Eliot moves aside the tail of his shirt to reveal a knife)

Rampone: Like I'm gonna do to you.

(They both pull knives and begin trading slashes, hitting each other's blade. Rampone picks up a plate cover to use as a sheild. Rampone slashes Eliot on the arm and kicks him back. Eliot looks at the wound, then gestures Rampone forward)

Eliot: Come on.

(Eliot kicks Rampone, knocking him onto a counter. Rampone knocks him back, they continue to trade blows, knocking each other back and forth)


(Lampard walks through with the bags of truffles and money)

[Restaurant Kitchen]

(Eliot kicks Rampone in the stomach, then blocks a blow and elbows him in the face several times. Rampone falls back against some shelves, and Eliot holds him there, putting his knife to Rampones chest)

Eliot: Not only did you and Lampard ruin my friend Toby's life, but you ruined the lives of the kids he was trying to help.

Nate (walking up): Eliot - Not worth it. Give him to the cops.

Rampone: Call off your dog. He's crazy.

Eliot: Crazy? I'm gonna cut your freaking head off and serve it on a platter.

Rampone: Call him off.

Nate (slowly walks closer, says softly): That's enough, Eliot.

(Eliot slowly releases Rampone and steps back)

Rampone: Thanks.

(Rampone swings at Eliot, who catches his fist. Nate punches Rampone, knocking him out)

Nate: Serve his - his head on a platter, huh?

(They begin to walk away)

Eliot: Was it too much?

Nate: No, actually, I liked it.

Eliot: I felt like it was a lot. Like, right when I said it, I felt like I may have gone too far.


Agent Palmer: David Lampard? I'm Agent Palmer and this is Agent Snead - like the golfers, only we're not golfers. We're government agents. We need to look in your bags.

Lampard: What are you - D.E.A., eh? Looking for drugs? Sure, look all you want. No drugs.

Agent Palmer (pulls truffle from bag): What's this?

Lampard: Charcoal briquettes. I'm a bit of a grill master.

Agent Palmer: Smells like tuber melanosporum.

Lampard: What's that?

Agent Palmer: Truffles.

Lampard: Oh, well, you see, I'm a restaurant owner and a chef. Yeah, these are actually French truffles. They're not mine. I'm just taking them back to France. There's a lot of shady people in the truffle business and, you know... Hold on a second. What does the D.E.A. care about truffles?

Agent Palmer: We're with U.S. Fish and Wildlife.

Lampard: Oh, well, then you're not real police. Leave me alone.

Agent Palmer: But you are in violation of sections four and nine of the endangered species act.

Lampard: That's for animals.

Agent Palmer: Fish, wildlife, and plants.

Lampard: This is outrageous. They're just truffles.

Agent Palmer: It is illegal to possess or ship any fish, wildlife, or plant that has been taken illegally. Cuff him.

Lampard: No, I am not - no, I'm not going.

Agent Palmer: Tase him, Snead!

(Snead tases Lampard, who falls to his knees)

Agent Sneed: Hands behind your back. Come on.

(Lampard sees the Leverage team standing at the end of the hallway before they turn and walk away)

[Brew Pub]

(Eliot arranges money in a briefcase)

Toby (takes briefcase): I can't thank you enough. I have my students back, my reputation back. And now I'll be able to keep the doors open for a while.

Eliot: The doors aren't gonna close - not while we're nearby. (walks with Toby toward the door when a messenger enters) What is that? What - what are you - don't -

Messenger: Package for... Alec Hardison.

Hardison: Oh, yeah. Got myself a laser.

Eliot (returns): Absolutely not. Don't give - don't sign for that.

Hardison: Don't sign for...? Hey, do you know what we're gonna be able to put on the pub's menu? On the pub's edible menu?

Eliot: Nate, you know...

Nate: Yeah, I know. You want to stab him in the...

Hardison: Stab what? Oh, hold on. (to Messenger) Let me ask you something, man. Wouldn't you like to be able to slurp a block of foam that tastes just like a succulent New-York steak, or have a shot of liquid that tastes like a three-course Italian meal?

Eliot: No, he would rather have the three-course meal.

Hardison: You don't know that man's life, okay? He's delivering packages all around Portland. He's too busy to sit down and have a three-course meal, okay? He's a mover, a shaker, a doer.

Nate: He'd rather have a tip. Hardison?

Hardison: For what? For...?

Messenger: For your laser.

Hardison: How about this, man? How about this? How about I give you a picture of ice cream that look like a-a-a chocolate taste just like rocky road?

Messenger: How about a dollar that tastes like a dollar?

Hardison: Uh-huh. You got brave. Okay, I see what this is. (pulls out change) Got a little - That's one, two. And there you go. Put that in the piggy bank. There you go. Be happy. (walks away) I don't care no more. I'm done. (to Eliot and Nate) You know what? If Parker was here, she would have my back, okay? She's a forward thinker. She ain't stuck in a time warp like y'all.

Eliot: Where is Parker?

Nate: Oh, uh, she's, um, on a little trip.


(Parker lowers herself on a rope into a darkened room to look at a small sculpture. She smiles)

The End

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