Leverage Transcripts derived from the closed captions available online and formated by slaysvamps. Feel free to download and share, but please give credit and a link back to me here.Leverage Main | When Darkness Falls |
5x14 The Toy Job |
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[ZDR Risk Management, Office] (Eldon turns on a desk light and tries to log into a computer but does not have the correct password. After three tries, Security Breach shows on screen and an alarm blares. Eldon opens a safe beneath the desk and removes a briefcase) [ZDR Risk Management, Hallway] (guard is walking through hallway when his radio comes to life) Radio: All units, please respond to a possible intruder in the research department. (guard hurries down hallway in opposite direction, not seeing a man standing around the corner, sweating profusely. Eldon checks the hallway then hurries away) [Brew Pub] (room is decorated for Christmas. Nate and Sophie sit at a table with Man) Eldon (puts briefcase on table): This product is the result of years of research and development. Everyone at the company is convinced the stock price is going to soar. (opens briefcase and puts a teddy bear on the case) Nate: A toy? Eldon: Chubby Snubby. I-I was the exec overseeing its safety report, which came back with a level three choking hazard rating. But I refused to cook the books, so Hazlit fired me. Nate: Hazlit? Eldon: Trent Hazlit, CEO of Poggio Toys. Nate: And he's not worried about lawsuits? Eldon: Hazlit does cost benefits for everything. And the deaths of a few kids is an acceptable risk in the name of profit. Sophie: Well, he is awfully cute. Eldon: Not so cute when a kid swallows its nose and it swells up to the size of a pomegranate. Hazlit buried the Chubby Snubby report so he could launch before Christmas. All the toys are at retail warehouses waiting for the announcement at the Pacific Toy Expo. Sophie: We're looking at a ticking bomb. Eldon: Don't let this thing hit the market, Mr. Ford, please. [Leverage Headquarters] Hardison (showing photos on monitor): Trent Hazlit, CEO of global toy giant Poggio Toys. And the days of the colorful family toy exec are long gone. Nowadays, companies bring in these Wall Street Wolverines who couldn't care less about kids or toys. All they care about is branding and stock growth. Sophie: Well, where'd Hazlit come from? Hardison: One guess. Parker: Santa's workshop. Hardison: No. Parker: Doughnuts. Hardison: Hey, no. That's two guesses. Stop playing. He comes from defense contracting. 20 years ago, he was selling RPGs and anti-aircraft weaponry to both Latin-American dictators and the rebel groups that opposed them. Eliot: I hate arms dealers. Hardison: Yeah, now, nine years ago, he takes over Poggio Toys, moves the manufacturing overseas, he lowered safety standards, and he buried class-action suits. Nate: Okay, ah, what's security like? Hardison: He's using the same MO as he did when he sold weapons. He's using double-walled rooms, locking away toy designs at the end of every shift, he’s changing codes daily. Nate: Ah, safety report? Hardison: It's digital. It's kept in a special server, which is locked in a special safe, which is held in a special server room. Nate: Parker? Parker: A Boylan-Kim 53-11. Just have to drill it. No problem. Nate: Okay, so, we'll steal the safety report, release it to the public, then Hazlit is gonna have to spike the Chubby Snubby dog launch. Let's do it. [ZDR Risk Management, Hallway] (Parker drops from ceiling and approaches safe with tools to open it) [Leverage Headquarters, Office] Nate: I'm saying that we, ah, we went overboard on Christmas gifts last year. [ZDR Risk Management, Hallway] Parker (places tool on wall of safe): Nate, I love my Ecosse motorcycle from last Christmas. Compliments of my Santa-baby. (begins drilling) [Leverage Headquarters] Eliot: You spent $100,000 on a motorcycle? Hardison (soldering equipment): Don't hate the gift. Hate the elf. Eliot: I do hate the elf. [ZDR Risk Management, Hallway] Parker: So, are you saying no Christmas presents at all? Not even something small? [Leverage Headquarters, Office] Nate: No gifts. Parker (on comm): But... [ZDR Risk Management, Hallway] Parker: How are we supposed to do Christmas without any presents? (runs wire into hole in safe) Sophie (on comm): Let's just put a limit on spending. [Leverage Headquarters, Office] Sophie: Say $1,000 a... (Nate clears throat) Sophie (looks at Nate): $100 a... (Nate clears throat) Sophie: 50 bucks a person. [Workroom] (Eliot looks at Hardison) [Poggio Toys Headquarters, Hallway] Parker: Fine, whatever. (turns dial using camera to see what number to dial. The door opens) I'm in. (Parker enters safe and opens server rack. She attaches several leads and uses a phone to connect) Parker: Downloading now. (watches display) And I got it. Three minutes to seal up, and he'll never know we were here. (disconnects the leads and walks away) [Brew Pub] Man (looking through files): Yeah, he-he doctored the data. The American Safety Association of Pediatricians is giving it five stars! Eliot: I thought that was weird. Eldon: They're retired doctors based out of Guam with no standing in the business. Nate: I'm sure they're on Hazlit's payroll. Eliot: Shouldn't somebody be regulating this stuff? Eldon: Want to know who regulates toy safety? The toy companies. Eliot: What about government? Eldon (pulls another file from the stack): Consumer Product Safety Commission. They try. They're a solid government agency, but safety studies are voluntary, so certain companies just won't take that risk because if a toy is found hazardous, they have to make it public. Eliot: Yeah, unless you buy some doctors in Guam. Eldon (gathers files): I appreciate you trying. Nate: Wait, Mr. Marris, listen, this isn't over. It isn't. Now, we are not gonna let that toy get released. Eldon: I don't think you know who you're up against. Trent Hazlit is a corporate hitman. He's capable of anything. (leaves) Eliot: You realize that without that safety study, we got nothing. Nate: Yeah. Eliot: So, why'd you promise him that? Nate: Because we are not gonna let that toy get released. We're gonna steal Christmas. [Leverage Headquarters] Sophie: No, the Trojan Horse won't work. We'd have to sell Hazlit a toy company so filled with financial liability that it bankrupts him before the launch of Chubby Snubby. Nate: Exactly. We just bait him with a new hit toy. Sophie: But the launch is in three days. We don't have time to create a whole new toy. Nate: That's why Hardison is finding us some failed toys that already exist. Hardison (showing toys on monitor): Yeah, this is second run of fun. It's a third-party toy distributor that sells failed toys to Bolivia and the Sudan in bulk. They also sell those Super Bowl "loser" t-shirts. Nate: Hmm. Hardison: Now, check this out: they got TSA security screener, Whirlie-Glee-Glee, homeless mother and daughter doll set. These are toys. And this is my favorite: Sir Boat-A-Lot. You pull his arm, and he gives you a sailing tip. Nate: Go back to the turny thing. Just... Hardison: The Whirlie-Glee-Glee? Nate: Yeah. Hardison: This thing was supposed to do figure eights. It barely did a figure one. Sold 1,100 units. I actually think I had one as a kid. Nate: Well, it's bland enough to slip through the cracks but quirky enough to seem novel. Sophie: We just have to get the kids to go crazy for a toy that was once considered junk. Nate: Hmm. Well, a toy craze is like a con. You just gotta convince them they want something that they didn't know they wanted. In this case, it's preschoolers. So, when is this thing shipped to Africa? Hardison: In 39 hours. Okay, well, we got to get our hands on the, ah…. Hardison: Whirlie-Glee-Glee? Nate: Whirlie-Glee-Glee before it's gone-gone. Hardison: Right. [Second Run of Fun Warehouse] (Parker rappels into warehouse, turns on flashlight and starts looking around. She finds the Whilrie-Glee-Glee in boxes next to Baby Joy Rage and smiles) [Van, Interior] (Hardison is holding a doll and turning the head around to show a happy face, then an angry face as Parker watches) Hardison: Who in the hell would give this thing to a child? Parker: It's not a thing, (grabs doll by head and shakes it) it is a doll. Kids love dolls. Hardison: It ain't no doll. That's some old, voodoo witchcraft, and I don't want it up in Lucille. Parker: You know what? What if I said that about the flashy kicks you've been giving me lately? Hardison: Hey, they are awesome. They make you shiny and fast, okay? This thing, no kid should ever be subjected to... ever. (takes photo of doll showing two faces) [Leverage Headquarters, Office] Hardison (on comm): Nate, you see this? Nate (looking at photo on monitor): It doesn't matter what toy Parker picks. Eliot: Anything can be sold. Sophie: Eliot's right. It's just a mass-marketing con game, and it's about creating wildfire buzz like the modern-art world or the movie business. Any… [Van, Interior] Sophie (on comm): …crappy product... Parker (outraged): Baby Joy Rage is not crappy. Hardison: It's crappy. Sophie (on comm): Any misunderstood product can make… [Leverage Headquarters] Sophie: …billions as long as it has the right buzz. Nate: We just got to get that thing on Hazlit's radar. [Toy Expo, Lobby] Hazlit: JIC says the kids will clock the mutt in at 88.6% satisfied. Pantani: The what, sir? Hazlit: The JIC... Jubilation Index Calculator. New app I developed. Just take a pic of the item and boom. The thing registers the toy's gross market and franchise potential vis-à-vis the kid's hand size, age, and ethnicity. 88.6 is 4 points higher than trampy... What's-her-face? Pantani: Damsel Judy. Hazlit: Still don't know how dads let their girls near that thing. But, hey, the little tramp earned us $24 million last year, right? (Pantani laughs. Nate and Hardison follow Hazlit and Aid across lobby) Hardison: Now, Hazlit has a vise-grip on retail giant Joylandia's premium shelf space. Companies fight to the death each year for the best shelf space in stores. And that kind of contract gets re-upped here at this expo. Nate: All right, Sophie, you're the new competition. Get that contract. [Toy Expo, Floor] (people are looking at various booths of toys. Cosplayers and toy company employees are dressed as products. People are taking pictures. Sophie is talking to Joylandia rep, Gil) Sophie (handing card to Gil): End caps, action alleys, interactive kiosks, I want it all because this toy is gonna be massive. Gil (laughs): You don't know how many reps tell me that, Ms. Ronder. Sophie: Unlike them, I'm not guessing. I never guess. I have a 95% sell-through rate. Listen, I'm telling you, this toy is a hit. I'm staying at the Lamy. (as Sophie walks away, she runs into Hazlit) Sophie: Oh! Pardon me. Hazlit: Excuse me. (looks after Sophie as he and Pantani approach Gil) Gil: Hey, Trent, how the hell are you? Hazlit: Good, Gil. (shakes hands) Who was that? Gil: Oh. (looks at card) Mimi Ronder. New toy rep with a ton of charm, and a great pair of legs. Hazlit: She's bidding on Joylandia's premium shelf space? Gil (laughs): You don't have a thing to worry about, Trent, old boy. You always come up with the highest bid. [Toy Expo, Lobby] Hardison: Hazlit's just gonna outbid us for that shelf-space package. Nate: That's fine. That bid was just to get on his radar. Now comes the hard part. Getting the kids of America to love a toy they never wanted. [Leverage Headquarters] Nate: Now, we just got to find the right place to start a viral toy craze. Hardison: Now, I ran algorithms on all the Portland zip codes to find the most likely nexus for a social buzz epidemic. These hub agents are the most influential family areas. Nate: Families who start fads. Good. Hardison: Right. Now, they're all connected to different groups, but they have one thing in common. (pulls up photo on screen) Nate: A weekly farmer's market. Hardison: So, I figure we go set up a booth, start a grassroots-type craze. I get a vendor's license to sell the toy. We can... Nate: Ah, I don't think so. Hardison: So, no to the farmer's market? Nate: No, yes, to the farmer's market. No to selling the toy there. Hardison: We're not? Nate: Nah, we're gonna do something much more effective than selling. [Farmer’s Market] (vendors are selling a variety of products and people are milling everywhere) Woman (to giftwrapper): These look great. Woman (selling honey): That's fine. (Eliot is standing in front of a booth with a sign for Baby Joy Rage, showing the doll to a little girl) Eliot: Look, it's happy. It's not so happy, but then it's happy again. It changes moods. It's pretty cool, right? (girl looks up at him, then walks away) Eliot: No? Hey, here, take it. It's free. Girl: Thank you. Eliot: Tell your friends! Girl: Free toys! (children swarm the booth and Eliot begins handing out dolls) Eliot: Hey, there you are. All right. Huh? There you go, buddy. Good? (on comm) Nate, it seems to be working. [Leverage Headquarters] Hardison: The drug-dealer approach... you for real? Nate: First taste is free, word spreads, keeps them coming back for more. Now, we got to get that toy in the hands of a tastemaker. The people that tell other what to buy. And you know who the most influential tastemakers are? Hardison: Celebrities. (Nate nods and Hardison laughs) Hardison: I got one. (pulls up pic on monitor) This is pre-teen Sandy Matteo. She's from that show Sandy's School Times. She's got a major fan base. An endorsement from this girl's gonna give us a Tsunami of hype. [Trailer, Exterior] Sandy (exiting trailer, talking on phone) Look, no, there is no way! It is three points on the gross-- Okay, or I fire your ass! The Harold Shuckersan Agency shrivels up and dies! (Sandy slams tote on crate and looks inside, putting phone down) Sandy: Where are my clothes? Sophie (approaching): It's impossible to find anything in these giant totes, isn't it? (sets tote down on crate) You know, I almost lost my Shih Tzu in mine. (Assistant approaches holding two shirts on hangers) Sandy: No, no, that's disgusting. (while Sandy is distracted, Sophie puts the doll into Sandy’s purse, making sure it is visible. When Sandy turns back, Sophie hands her the tote) Sophie: What's yours? A Gucci? Sandy: It's an original Erin Walter. Not on the market yet. (walks away) Sophie: You're Sandy Matteo, right? (Sandy stops and turns) Sophie: You're marvelous, darling. (walks away) (Sandy looks back and smiles while Hardison takes photos, the doll clearly visible in her tote) [Leverage Headquarters] (photo of Sandy with doll on monitor) Hardison: Sandy Matteo now loves and endorses Baby Joy Rage. You know what, man? I could actually make a second career as a paparazzo. Nate: All right, yeah, let's get that endorsement out there. Hardison: Got you. I am currently embedding Matteo's photos on 23 different sites. Teen blog pages, game portals, toy blogs, you name it. I even got celebrities tweeting about it. If there is a kid who does not know what this toy is by next week, they're probably being homeschooled somewhere under a rock. Nate: All right, next step is scarcity. We got to make it feel like every mom and dad in the country can't get their hands on this toy. Hardison: Got it. [Brew Pub] (Sophie’s students are at the bar, all on phones, Sophie walking behind them) Zachary: I was just wondering if you might, by any chance, have one of those Baby Joy Rage. Ah, no, "Joy Rage". I-it's a doll. Okay, well, yeah— (Sophie hangs up and Zachary puts his head in his hands) Sophie: Zachary, I need more conviction. What's the most important thing for an actor to remember in character? Zachary: Your lines. Sophie: No, desire. What do you want, Zachary? What does the character want? Zachary: The toy. Sophie: Why do you want it, Zachary? Zachary: To make my child happy? Sophie: No, you want that toy so that your child will sit still and give you some peace and quiet so you can finally open that delicious bottle of Merlot that you've been dreaming about since 10:00 AM this morning. Zachary (in awe): God. You get me. When I win my first Oscar... I'm gonna name it after you, Ms. Devereaux. I'm gonna thank everyone, and then I'm gonna say: "This is not an Oscar, it's a Devereaux." Sophie: Okay, Zachary. (taps phone) Zachary: Right. (clears throat and dials phone) Hello, yes. I need this Baby Joy Rage doll. "Baby Joy Rage". Yeah, my kid has been going crazy for this thing. All of his friends have one, and my wife has made me drive to the store three times just to see if it's in yet. (Sophie walks away) [ZDR Risk Management, Office] (Hazlit is looking at posts about the doll on his computer) Hazlit: Pantani! Pantani (enters): You wanted to see me, sir? Hazlit: What the hell is this? (turns monitor) Sandy Matteo is plugging this doll? I thought she had an exclusive with us on the mini-skirt dancer hoop. Pantani: Well, I'll look into it. Hazlit: And customer service is saying we’re getting calls asking if we own the doll, wanting to know when it's gonna be released. (pulls up another page on computer showing Sophie as a toy rep) Look at this. That toy rep I saw. She is a naughty, naughty girl. Okay, I want a sit-down with Gil Barton at Joylandia A.S.A.-Freaking-P. And I want the media saturation numbers on this demon doll before the end of business today. Come on! Chop-chop! Let's move! [Leverage Headquarters] Hardison: Baby Joy Rage's media saturation number's hovering around 62%. Sophie (sighs): It's not enough. We need it to be at least 89%. Eliot: Santa's little helper here is right. The doll's a bust. Parker: Whirlie stupid thing would have done worse. Eliot: And you're an expert on this because? Nate: Guys. Parker: Because I was there. It spoke to me. Eliot: It spoke to you? Parker: It reminded me of a toy my social worker used to make me do exercises with. Eliot: You kidding me with that? Sophie: Oh, like you always do what you're supposed to? Sophie: Guys, just settle down. Nate: E-exercises... What kind of exercises? Parker: Identifying emotions or something like that. [Flashback, Social Worker’s office] Social Worker (holds up doll): And what do you feel here? Young Parker: Anger. Social Worker (holds up drawing): And this girl with an ice cream cone? Young Parker: More anger. Social Worker (holds up another drawing): And these happy folks at the beach? Young Parker: Actually, this one may be... Definitely anger. [Leverage Headquarters] Nate: That’s it. That's it. It's obvious. We can't con a 6-year-old. You know who we can con? Their parents. Okay, so, Hardison you get on that lecture thing, Eliot you get on the mommies. Hardison: And he doesn't mean that literally. Eliot: That joke is never funny. (gets up to leave, angry) Hardison: It's always funny. Eliot: No, it's not. Comedy's about timing, and you don't have it! (leaves) Parker: Do we think parents are gonna bite on this? Nate: Yeah, yeah. What do you think parents are most afraid of? Parker: Clowns? Nate: No. Parker: Evil clowns? Nate: No. Parker: Crazy clowns called GeeGee who whisper your name from under your bed? Nate: No. No, parents are most afraid that their kids aren't gonna be successful. They're not gonna be able to compete with other kids and be left behind. That's what they're afraid of. Sophie: So, we pitch the doll as a developmental tool, and the child uses it to access their emotions and become more socially aware. Nate: Absolutely, this is gonna work. And if they don't buy it, they run the risk of the kid being a misfit and living in the basement until he’s forty. We need a name for the new toy, and a good name, ah…. Parker: Not crazy GeeGee. Nate: Ah, no. Um…. Sophie: Baby Feels-A-Lot. Nate: Wait, wait, what? Sophie (stands up): "Baby Feels-A-Lot." I feel a lot. You feel a lot. We all feel a lot. And it's okay to feel a lot, as long as you use your words, right? (leaves) Nate: Sophie Devereaux. Parker: Isn't this, I don't know, wrong? Messing with Christmas presents, playing with parents' fears? Don't you feel just a little bit guilty given the holiday? Parker: I do. Nate: Why? Parker: Because. Nate: Why is that people give each other Christmas presents? Parker: To be nice. Nate: Because they're being programmed by these giant corporations that do all this research to figure out how to push these psychological buttons in people to make them get these presents, right? Make no mistake, what we're doing is we're manipulating fears and making these toys, all of it. This, this... is Christmas. Yeah. Let's get to work. (leaves) [Leverage Headquarters] (Hardison standing in front of screen while Eliot is behind a camera, filming) Hardison: Children are unable to communicate the way they once did. We have taken away their need for cognitive thought process, their yearning for communique, if you will. But I'm here to tell you that that is all about to change because we are bringing you a new toy to the marketplace. Please allow me to present (holds up doll) Baby Feels-A-Lot. Now children will be able to once again communicate on a humane level. They will be able to learn how to be emotionally articulate. Are they happy? Are they sad? Are they mad? It is because we, as adults, know that fun is the work of childhood, and toys are the tools that we use to accomplish that work. Thank you. Eliot: All right, cut. (Hardison puts the doll down) Eliot: Dude, how do you come up with this crap? Hardison: I studied early-childhood development. Look, man. Video's done. I make it seem like I'm talking to hundreds, upload it to the blogger mom sites, we're good to go. Eliot: Dude, the blogger moms? Hardison: Yes, blogger moms. They talk about parenthood, schools, life at home. You get one of these sites to endorse you, your toy's gonna go viral. Trust me. (pulls up blogger page with attractive mom) Eliot: That's a blogger mom? Hardison: Ah, Chardonnay Mom? Yeah, that's Allie Stanbrook. She runs one of the top blogger sites in the nation. She's local, too. PDX, baby. Eliot: All right, look, listen to me, if I'm gonna do this, all right, I want to be tough dad. You know what I mean? Cool dad. Just enough to turn her head. Don't go overboard on this. Keep it simple. You know, someone who's not afraid to make a PB&J, but still wants to go out in the yard, get dirty, kick the soccer ball around. Strict... but fair. [Park] Eliot: After my wife passed, it was, um, it was very tough for me and my son, Dashiel, to communicate. (puts hand to mouth) But, that's when Baby Feels-A-Lot (holds up doll and turns head) came into our lives. And, yeah, listen, don't get me wrong. I’m-I'm one of those dads, I had a problem with my son playing with a doll. But… I'll tell you something. It worked. We were talking again. You know, we were father and son. And I felt the duty. I had to get this out there. I had to let the other dads know what this product did for us. So, I started a blog. (laughs) Allie: Well, I know what it's like to be left alone. I mean, after my divorce, I was utterly gutted, went through all the stages of grief. It's what led me to start blogging. (puts hand on Eliot’s arm) Hang in there, okay? Eliot: I will. Honestly, I think with you here, Allie, I might just be able to hang on forever. Allie (hugs Eliot): Oh, Carl. Not only do you have my support, but you have the support of every blogger mom in the state. Eliot: Oh, thank you. (crowd agrees) Allie: Am I right, ladies? (women clap, Eliot laughs) [Toy Expo, Floor] (Hazlit approaches where Sophie is sitting) Hazlit: I don't know who you are, lady, but your latest move with that doll, playing the smart baby card? Nicely done... If this was 2004. Smart babies are so eight years ago. Sophie (stands): Well-adjusted children are so today. In Dallas last week, firemen used a Baby Feels-A-Lot to coax a runaway child down from a radio tower. Do your toys save lives, Mr. Hazlit? Hazlit: That is one smart ba-- Gil (approaching): Trent, let's talk shelves. Hazlit: Let's. Sophie: Mr. Barton, I'm so sorry. I just have a few minutes before my 3:15 at Mattel. So, if you could possibly... (sits down) Gill (laughs): Well, I don't suppose old Trent would mind, would you, son? (chuckles) I mean, ladies first. (Hazlit looks at Sophie, who waves) Hazlit: Ladies... Of course. [Leverage Headquarters] (blog page shows on monitor with Eliot prominent on page) Hardison: Okay, I've written 3 months' worth of blogs for our sensitive dad over here. I got prices for the braces, Dashiel's chess club... Eliot: You put in there we went to the Super Bowl? Hardison: Oh, yeah, man, yeah. You even met some of the players. Now, what I was thinking... Tell me what you feel. Ah, you guys go on like a-a road trip cross-country, you do a tour, something like that. Eliot: Yeah, I like that. I like that. Or... And I'm just gonna put this out there... What if I took him on a tour of all the-all the ball parks in America? Hardison, huh? Or maybe took him to the opera or the moon, huh? Hardison: A little sarcasm? Believable father-and-son stuff! Nate: A little focus. Focus your mind. Eliot: Look at the picture he used, man! Hardison: Hey, hey. Excuse me, man. I'm sorry if this kind of writing opens me up creatively. I'm stuck looking at codes all day. Maybe I was writing the father that I wanted one day. (stutters) What's the problem with getting emotionally butt naked? Nate: Oh, please, don't. Please, we-we don't want to see that. Hardison: I'm trying to share my feelings on paper. Nate: Please, please don't. Now listen, Hardison, I'm very happy with your creativity and everything, but what I want to know is, what do you have on the blogger moms about Eliot? Hardison: Oh, what did the mamas say? Oh, what are they saying about the sensitive dad? I got something for you. I got something for your ass. (pulls up another blog) Boom. Chardonnay Mama. She cute, though, ain't she fine? Look what she says. "Oh, this week, I was introduced to an amazing new toy called Baby Feels-A-Lot, thanks to a gentleman who couldn't be more kind, more handsome, or more sensitive single dad." (Eliot preens) Hardison: You don't deserve none of that. Nate: Now how are we doing with the toy's popularity? Hardison: Saturation indexes are ticking up 'cause I did my job. Nate: All right. Sophie, what's Hazlit up to? [Toy Expo, Floor] (sophie and Gil are laughing and enjoying themselves) Gil: If you're really serious, I mean, our next retreat's gonna be in Tahoe. Sophie: Oh, Tahoe. Count me in. Don't tease me, Gil. I am so flattered that you asked me. Woman (approaching with clipboard): Excuse me, sir? Gil: Excuse me, Mimi. (standing) If I had a nickel for every deal memo I had to sign. (Hazlit checks watch impatiently) Sophie: No problem, Gil. (stands) It's been such a pleasure talking to you. Next year, you and me, kite surfing, Tahoe. (Sophie begins to walk away and sees Hazlit) Hazlit: Tahoe? Great. (Sophie walks away, Hazlit joins Gili) Hazlit: What the hell's going on here? Gil: What are you talking about? Hazlit: It's all over the expo. Little Miss High Heels there is bidding on the premium shelf space days before my Chubby Snubby launch. Gil: I don't think I like your tone, Trent. I'll call you later. Hazlit: You have my number. (holds up files) I got yours. (walks away) Dinosaur: Merry Christmas! Merry... (almost runs into Hazlit) You're grumpy. (walks away) Merry Christmas! Sophie: A little worried, Mr. Hazlit? Hazlit (laughs): 1989. Sophie: "1989"? Hazlit: 25 macheted contras wanting to gut me navel-to-chin in the Honduran rain forest. Then, I was worried. This? This is nothing. But I earned the contras' respect, and they taught me one thing. Sophie: I'm all ears. Hazlit: "Plata o plomo." Sophie: "Silver or lead." Hazlit: Exactly. Take a bribe, the silver, or you get a bullet, the lead. Those are gonna be Barton's options in the next few minutes. Behind door number one, $80,000 in cash. Take a peek inside for the lead. (Sophie takes file, looks inside) Hazlit: Pictures of Barton's last trip to Cabo, pictures the missus doesn't want to see. Which do you think he's gonna choose? Sophie (hands back file): You play dirty, Hazlit. Hazlit: You have no idea. And without Joylandia, your Baby Feel-Me-Up with all her little feelings that make the kiddies so emotionally articulate. You know what happens to it? Poof. Bye-bye. [Leverage Headquarters] Sophie: Hazlit is blackmailing Barton to try and nix my shelf space, and he thinks it's turning me on. The guy is a menace. Nate: He's a menace. So, we become more of a menace. Hardison, how are we on sales? Hardison: Um, well, the blogs in Sophie's theater group pimp the demand, but the parents are buying 52% of their holiday gifts on the Internet. Nate: Okay, so, we have to up Baby Feels-A-Lot's online appeal. Sophie: Yeah, presales. Nate: Yes, and then when the sales go through the roof, Hazlit is gonna want to buy in. So, we set up a meeting with him and the owner of... (adjusts shirt) Lucky Beans Toys. Yes, me. Hardison: All right. Nate: What? Hardison: Nothing. Nate: Okay? Hardison: Ah, it’s just, I was talking to Parker, and, I mean, we're a little down about Christmas. We think we're kind of ruining the holiday or something. Nate: Hardison, Christmas was pre-ruined. You know how it began? Sophie: Ah! No. Shh. Hardison: Yeah, it was a fat guy in a chimney. Nate: Christmas began as a pagan pre-Roman feast involving the sacrifice of children. Ho, ho, ho. (walks away) Hardison: Is he serious? (Sophie shrugs) Hardison: I mean, dang, I feel like I just got sucker-punched by an elf-hating, scrooge-loving, no-gift-giving anti-claus. I mean, am I bleeding? (checks his nose for blood) Sophie: Little bit. [ZDR Risk Management, Office] Pantani: Sir, this Baby Feels-A-Lot craze isn't going away. Hazlit: What do you mean? We killed it. Pantani: Well, the toy's generating so much buzz that it's already ranked 5th on the NPD charts for web presales. Hazlit: Ahead of Chubby Snubby? Pantani: Two days max before it hits the top spot. People are pre-ordering it like crazy and it hasn't even hit a single store shelf yet. It's just gone viral, boss. Hazlit (looks at report): I want a sit-down with this Baby Feels-So-Hot woman. And I want it now. Go. [Restaurant] (Sophie and Hazlit are sitting at the bar, Hazlit is drinking) Sophie: So, you take away Baby Feels-A-Lot's shelf space and then take me out for drinks. (tsks) Hazlit: Maybe I was wrong... Underestimating Baby Feels-A-Lot. Sophie: Oh? Hazlit: I'm a sensible businessman. Let me meet the owner. You be my back channel. Maybe you and I can do business. Sophie: What's in it for me? You make a move on Baby Feels-A-Lot, I'm out of a job. Hazlit: Quarter-point of the gross on the deal. Compensates you well. Sophie: Enticing, but, I have to warn you about Earl Greipal, the owner of Lucky Beans. He's... well, let's say he's somewhat eccentric, and he's very hostile to selling his company. Hazlit: Most of these guys are frigging nuts... That is, until they see the number of zeroes I put on a check. Sophie: Half a point of the gross, 21k as a finder's fee, and a VP position at Poggio Toys. That's what I want. Hazlit: God, you're good. Deal. (shakes hand) By the way, you available? Sophie (pulls hand away): No, I'm married. (stands) Hazlit: You see, I didn't ask you that. Sophie: Let's stick to business, for now, Trent. (leaves) Hazlit: "For now." (stands and puts money on bar) [Van, Interior] Hardison: Hazlit's on the hook for Baby Feels-A-Lot. Damn, girl, you were right all along. That toy does have legs. Parker (laughs): And you doubted me like the rest of them. Hardison: Me? No. I wouldn't-wouldn’t do that. Parker: Mm-hmm (makes call) Hello. Lucky Bean Toys? This is Charlotte Gerrard, fire chief. Our machines detected a severe gas leak in one of your company buildings. Yes, that's the one. The one you have. That company building. You need to evacuate everyone immediately. (yelling) I said "everyone"! (hangs up) Think that'll do it? Hardison: Yeah, it should. Parker: Hmm. I think I scared her a little bit. Did you jump? Hardison: You scared me. Parker: Jump. [Lucky Beans Toys Corporate HQ] Nate (holding doll): Wh-while I'm baffled, delighted by the sudden interest in my toy, ah, money is not why I designed Baby Feels-A-Lot, no. I did it for my son, Nestor, yes. Who is now in federal prison. Hazlit: Oh? Nate: Yes, it was a nasty episode involving horses and men from Tacoma. Doctors attribute it to Nestor's difficulty growing up, having emotions, frustration, anger issues. Hazlit: I see. Sophie: Mr. Greipal has often said that he wished that there had been a toy like Baby Feels-A-Lot during Nestor's developmental years. Nate: I wish there had been a toy like Baby Feels-A-Lot during Nestor's developmental years. Ah, different times. So, Mr. Hazlit, you know, experts, they can look at data or color schematics about what children supposedly like or don't like, ah, but really what they should do is they should do is, they should look inside at the child inside themselves. Pantani: That's what we intend to do with Baby Feels-A-Lot, ah, Mr. Greipal. We have an excellent track record— Nate: O-okay, b-but the child within me is saying that what you intend to do is ship Nestor's toy off to China and turn it into some sort of emotional abomination. Hazlit: You haven't heard my offer. Nate: Well, I'm afraid that no matter how generous your offer is, (turns doll so angry side is looking at Hazlit) the answer is no. Hazlit: Okay, fine. (stands) [Lucky Beans Toys Corporate HQ, Hallway] Hazlit: You ask me, Geppetto in there wants to navel-gaze for the next 10 years, not sell his company. Sophie: You make a very fast, very large offer before this craze goes nuts, and I promise you he'll bite. He's odd, yes, but he's not stupid. I know that you corporate guys like to move slowly, you know, while lawyers poke around for months, but if Greipal gets hinky, this thing is all over. Hazlit: Give me the sample of the toy. I want to run a safety study. Sophie: Why don't we just fudge the safety numbers down the road if we have to? Hazlit: Ah, we could be so great together. I'll overnight an expedited study, my company's license. Whatever the results, call me tomorrow with Greipal's price. (Sophie starts to hand the doll to Hazlit, then hesitates) Hazlit: I'll be as gentle as if I was holding your... Sophie (hands doll over): Don't say it. I'll see you tomorrow. (walks away) [ZDR Risk Management, Office] Hazlit: I need this expedited ASAP. Tell Wiggins it's for Trent Hazlit, and I want the 12-hour turnaround for Poggio. (signing paperwork) Man: Manufacturing license and medallion? Hazlit: It's all... right in there. [Restaurant] (Sophie entering and walking toward Hazlit who sits at the bar) Sophie: Hazlit? Hazlit: Mmm. Sophie: Good news. I have a figure for you. He was hesitant at first, but I— Hazlit: Let me stop you. I have no interest in buying the doll or Mr. Greipal's company. Sophie: Why not? Hazlit: Only reason I did the safety study was to get the toy's specs. Sophie: What for? Hazlit: To release a knock-off that'll undercut the Baby Feels-A-Lot's price point by 40%. In fact, I plan to mention Baby Happy Mad... (Sophie blinks in surprise) Hazlit: Nice, huh? This afternoon at my press conference for Chubby Snubby dog. So, thanks for the free buzz. Sophie: Your knock-off will never replace the real Baby Feels-A-Lot. Hazlit: Listen, darling. I got three floors of highly paid fungineers who are already amping up the happiness factor on that doll like you would not believe. Mr. Greipal might make toys with love on the inside, but mine are made with petroleum-based plastics and the blood, sweat, and tears of third-world 11-year-olds. You can't beat it. So, come on, help me celebrate. Sophie: You are a— Hazlit: The male version of you. Come on, who doesn't dream of dating themselves, right? (Sophie sighs in disgust and walks away) [Toy Expo, Floor] Hazlit (practicing): "Chubby Snubby is the future of our company." "Chubby Snubby is the future of our company." Pantani: Can you feel the energy out there, sir? This is gonna be big. Hazlit: "The energy out there." It's not about the energy out there. It's about the energy in here. This is about Trent Hazlit. Pantani: Right. So, go out there and give them a big, old bag of Trent. Hazlit: Shut up. (walks onto floor) Reporter: There he is. Mr. Hazlit! Hazlit: I'll take questions after the launch celebration. Reporter: So, you're treating this Chubby Snubby toy dog recall as a celebration? Hazlit: What are you talking about? Reporter: Surely there will be a recall after the government released the failed safety study this morning. Hazlit: Government? (covers microphone, turns to Pantani) I never submitted any study to the government. [Flashback, ZDR Risk Management Office] Hazlit: I need this expedited ASAP. Tell Wiggins it's for Trent Hazlit, and I want the 12-hour turnaround for Poggio. (signing paperwork) Man: Manufacturing license and medallion? Hazlit: It's all... right in there. (Man leans forward to take doll, revealing Man is Hardison) [Flashback, Brew Pub] Eldon: Want to know who regulates toy safety? The toy companies. Eliot: What about government? Eldon (pulls another file from the stack): Consumer Product Safety Commission. They try. They're a solid government agency, but safety studies are voluntary, so certain companies just won't take that risk because if a toy is found hazardous, they have to make it public. [Flashback, The US Consumer Product Safety Commission] Receptionist: Can I he you? Hardison: Ah, yeah. I need an expedited, overnight government safety inspection of this. Receptionist: Mmm-hmm Hardison (taps briefcase): Relevant forms, my signature. And make sure to run it through your strictest, most rigorous tests. Receptionist: Okay. (Hardison winks and leaves. Receptionist opens briefcase to find Chubby Snubby toy) [Flashback, Park] Allie: Everything okay, Carl? Your call sounded like something was wrong. Eliot: Well, no, actually, ah, a fan of mine sent me this safety study, and I find it very alarming. We should get this out there, and let the parents know about it. Is there any way that you could maybe help me? Allie (takes report and reads it): Oh, my God. (closes file) We are so all over this. Eliot: Thank you so much. (walks away) [Toy Expo, Floor] Hazlit (to Pantani): What's going on here? Reporter: Do you care to comment on the recall? Hazlit: No, I don't care to comment. I have no idea what happened here. Gil (clears throat) I am gonna sue your ass, Hazlit! (walks away) Hazlit (to Pantani): Who did this to me? (Hazlit sees Nate and Sophie in lobby. Sophie gestures at her left hand, then at Nate. Together they turn and leave the building) [Brew Pub] Eldon: I can't believe you did it. I wish there were more people like you out there. Eliot: You did it, Mr. Marris. Hardison: Yeah. Without you, Hazlit would still be around. Eldon: I was just doing my job. Sophie: Well, speaking of jobs, (hands Eldon a card) the chief examiner's looking for a new analyst. Eldon: Chief examiner? Hardison: For the Consumer Product Safety Commission. Nate: When he found out that he could hire the guy that took down Hazlit, he jumped at it Eldon: I-I don't know what to say. I can't thank you enough. Well, Merry Christmas. Sophie: Merry Christmas. (Eldon leaves) Eliot (looking at doll): Promise me those things will never hit store shelves. Parker: Ah, I'm keeping them all to myself. I've got them lined up in my warehouse like an army of joy and rage. Hardison: You don't ever want to be in that warehouse alone. Ever. Sophie: I think it's really sad that we're so cynical about gifts. I used to, ah, I loved Christmas as a child. Eliot: Yeah, well, nothing's genuine anymore. Sophie: That's not true, no. I've been thinking about this, and yo-you know what is genuine? Trust. Parker: Trust? Sophie: Yes, trust. I think, no, seriously. I think we should give each other some trust for Christmas. Parker: What, like that Willow exercise where you fall back and someone catches you? Sophie: No, not like that. Parker: Good, because I did that once, and I dropped the person, and they had to get stitches. Hardison: Still hurts. Parker: I know. Sophie: I just think that, well, we've been through so much together, all of us, and we should give each other something personal this year, like, um, I don't know, a story or a secret. (Eliot looks uncomfortable and looks at his wrist like checking a watch) Sophie: No, come on. Bear with me, please. Please. Who's gonna go first? Parker: Eliot. Nate: All right. When I was a kid, I wanted a trumpet one Christmas. My father played Sinatra all the time, and, ah, Sinatra had this trumpet player named "Sweets" Edison, Harry "Sweets" Edison. Great sound, amazing. I wanted to sound just like him, you know? Christmas rolled around, and, ah, there was no trumpet, just a pack of baseball cards. My father said that Santa must have had a-a rough year at the track. So, there's... Anyway, a couple of days later, I wake up in my bed, and at the foot of the bed is, ah, is a trumpet. It's all tarnished and dinged up, my dad probably rolled somebody for it, but-but there it is. And I, ah, I played that trumpet every day for 10 years. You know, I never, I never ah, ended up sounding like ah, "Sweets" Edison, but... (Hardison looks down) Nate: So, I gave it to, um, I gave it to Sam on his 8th birthday. (Parker looks down, upset) Nate: And that was, um, his, um, first trumpet lesson was scheduled for the day, as it turns out, that he went into the hospital. And I, so, he... (Eliot watches Nate) Nate: I don't have anything left from my childhood, but I did keep the trumpet. I keep it on the boat. (Sophie looks at him, then looks down) Nate: Okay, who's next? The End |
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